The Somewhat Daily Rant

Comment modification

2006-07-21T10:13:00.000-04:00

As it appears, my blog comments were "auto-spammed" sometime last night with a friendly person wanting to sell you all Viagra. I'm sure your collective genitalia are all pleased. I, however, was not. So I enabled it that if you want to type in a comment, you have to type in one of those little word-image code things. This, supposedly, prevents those auto-spammers. We'll see.

Anyhoo, so I apologize for the annoyance. But now I'll know that when you comment, you really, really mean it.

Wish you were here

2006-07-19T00:01:00.000-04:00

I'll have to preface this blog by saying that, in all honesty, I do hope for the safety and well-being of ALL civilians in Lebanon, and that any Americans who are currently within the country find their ways home in one piece.

With that said, what the fuck are you doing in Lebanon? I mean, did you even check a map before traveling to that country? Do you see where it is?

Before this little war erupted, I knew of little about the hostilities between Israel and the Hezbollah. This is because I am American and therefore ignorant of foreign affairs and too arrogant to care. However, had I been planning to travel to a country, I might, uh, read up on some of the, uh, safety issues involved with traveling there. Things like "a major militant political party, sympathetic to the Syrians and Iranians, rules much of Lebanon," might have been a good thing to know about in advance.

Even if you have family in Lebanon, you don't go visiting those people! You do your best to get those people the fuck out of Lebanon and to the U.S. to come visit you! Because here we have things like modern electronics and indoor plumbing. We also do not have Hezbollah, nor do we border highly volatile Middle Eastern countries. Nor are we having "border wars." And if those family members won't leave Lebanon, you start sending them postcards about how great America is. How we all live in mansions and eat like kings and ride to work on unicorns. YOU DON'T GO VISIT THEM.

But let's say you DO go visit them. First step is TOTALLY to take your daughters and baby with you. Because nothing says "kidnap my kid and put her into sex trafficking" like parading your blonde-haired 9-year-old American girl child through an impoverished, semi-desperate chauvanist country.

Look, I understand it was a real shocker to your vacation when Israel began bombing the airports, but what exactly do you expect the embassy to do in seven days? HELLO!?!? YOU ARE IN LEBANON! THIS is why people don't travel to these countries. This exact reason. Because things like bombings happen in these countries and then, guess what? Things go to shit.

America (thankfully) does not run the world. Sure we are rich. Sure we are powerful. Sure we make the finest hamburger. But that doesn't mean we can just barge on into Lebanon and say, "Excuse me, I've come for my people" and pluck out all the Americans and fly them home on golden dragons! THEY BOMBED THE MOTHER FUCKING AIRPORTS! Where the fuck is America going to fly you out of??? Their assholes? There are no American buses, there are no American cars, there are no American planes. Because it's Lebanon, not America. Just because we're a relatively good country and modern and stuff doesn't mean we can just do anything for stupidly stranded citizens. These things will take time.

So -- you know what? You can just calm the fuck down and have some patience. Stop making fantastical media stories about your 'plight.' You chose this fate. You've learned your lesson. Next time, take the kids to the fucking Grand Canyon.

The world's referee

2006-07-17T14:08:00.000-04:00

Britain’s Prime Minister, Tony Blair, along with U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan have announced that an international “stabilization” force should be sent to the Israel/Lebanon border to put an end to the fighting.

"The only way we are going to get a cessation of hostilities is the deployment of an international force to stop the bombardment of Israel and get Israel to stop its attacks on Hezbollah," Blair said at a news conference in St. Petersburg at the end of the G-8 summit.

Sooo…the only way to stop the fighting is to…stop the fighting. Got it.

But seriously, this situation is quickly getting out of hand. In an “accidental” leak over an open microphone, reporters heard President Bush say he was sending Condi Rice to the Mid East, evidently believing The Woman That Fun Forgot could help balm the situation.

WHY ARE WE GETTING INVOLVED?

Why can’t we stay out of a single world fight!? We didn’t start this battle, we didn’t initiate the retaliation that continued this battle! I mean, I guess it might be bad if Hezbollah got a lot of power from this struggle, so the issue can’t be ignored completely, but can’t we wait first — just a bit — to see if Israel can shoulder this one on its own?

What I also don’t understand is, why the fuck doesn’t the Lebanese government do something about Hezbollah? Look, I understand they are a powerful political group and even hold a few seats in that country’s government. But it doesn’t take Sherlock Holmes to deduce that this is a quasi-terrorist organization. Any group that thinks sneak-attacking and kidnapping military from a neighboring, far more powerful nation is a good tactic for … whatever it is they are seeking to gain from such a maneuver … is clearly a group in need of a few diplomacy and human decency lessons. Even if the Lebanese government doesn’t think it has the might and power to oust or control Hezbollah, all it has to do is ASK for some help. Somehow I think Israel would be willing to lend a hand to control said organization. And I think it would be mildly beneficial to the people of Lebanon to A.) rid themselves of a terrorist organization and B.) Stop getting bombed by Israel. Just a thought.

I don’t know. I’m no expert on foreign politics, and if anyone can point out the major flaw in my thoughts here, I’d be glad to hear it. But the solution always seems so simple, yet people never seem willing to take the easy way out when it comes to war.

Play nice in the sandbox, children!

2006-07-13T13:56:00.000-04:00

Someone commented to me once that anyone who thinks blowing up the entire Middle East is a good solution to the conflicts there is “ignorant.” According to this person, anyone who would say such a thing is “stupid” and “a brain-washed, xenophobic, egotistical, imperialistic American.” “Most of the people who live in the Middle East are just ordinary people like you and me,” this person stated. “How would you like it if someone suggested the greatest solution to the problem of America was bombing it and all its people?” This person went on to add, “Not to mention that other, non-Middle Eastern countries have ties to the Middle East. So you couldn’t bomb that portion of the world without pissing off, say, China or Russia. They would bomb whoever bombed the Mid-East, and then you’d have a huge World War. Instead of solving the world’s problems, you’ve just created an even bigger one with fewer people in it.”

Ok, I guess that person had a point. But I don’t really care. Because being irrational and angry is what this blog is all about.

You know who else is irrational and angry? Those Hezbollah guerrillas. Hey! I know a good idea! Let’s kill a whole bunch of Israeli soldiers! So what does Israel do? Bombs the fucking Lebanese airport. Then Hezbollah is like “Oh — you want to play? You want to get down motherfuckers?” so they bomb some shitacular northern Israeli province. It’s like a practical joke war, only, of course for that pesky side effect of human casualties.

Both groups, of course, are accusing the other of performing “acts of war.” I’d point out that Hezbollah clearly started this one first, but it somehow ceases to matter.

Seriously, I really want to know why the fuck these people are all so violent? The Mid East is a pretty horrendous section of the world to live in, what with its sand and hot and sand and hot and sand. There’s probably not much to do there, or much to take joy in. But Jesus Christ. Why can’t you all just go to work everyday, come home, feed your families, play with your kids, watch bad TV and get fat like the rest of the world? Why can’t they stop attacking everyone around them? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE??

You know, that person who said we shouldn’t bomb the Middle East was probably right. Clearly they are continuing steadfast in their efforts to do that themselves, anyway, so why bother?

Updates sans anger

2006-07-12T19:36:00.000-04:00

In the past few days I've been hired for a new job, quit my old job and become a second-time aunt to a baby boy, 7 lbs. 2 ozs. Needless to say, it has been quite a week. In lieu of that, my blog has been neglected.

Never fear, my friends, for my anger is still with me, and hopefully a new rant is near on the horizon.

Things I Don’t Give a Fuck About

2006-07-07T15:59:00.000-04:00

It's Friday, so let’s just get right down into it.

No 1: The diary of the kids who “masterminded” the shootings at Columbine High School. Why the fuck do I want to read the ravings of lunatic children who clearly played too many violent video games while listening to Marilyn Manson? I really don’t care what these fucknuts have to say about anything. If I were, say, a child psychologist writing my thesis on why white trash teens go bonkers and shoot other white trash teens, I might care. But I’m not. And how about this page with “Hell on Earth” written on it? Son, if you think shooting up one, lone high school amongst the 40 bajillion high schools in this country is going to create “Hell on Earth” then you need to get the fuck out of Dodge. Because obviously your worldview has gotten a little small.

No 2: Colin Powell getting a touch of the Pukeys after a dinner with the Clintons. Cool! Was he poisoned by some rogue white-black-people haters? No? Oh…it was just “altitude sickness”? Whatever the fuck that is. Why is it news that some former politician has indigestion? Should we get an update on his next bowel movement? Next!

No 3: The recently aired lost episodes of the Dave Chappelle Show causing a new influx of articles about Dave Chappelle. Look, his show was funny, and for that I was glad. But the dude left the show TWO YEARS AGO. Stop asking him why! Why do you think he’s going to tell you now? And if you still care why, you really need to find a new hobby. Try stamp-collecting, I hear it’s riveting. Also, stop printing stories speculating on whether he’ll come back, or whether he’ll make the show on another network, or whether he’s making a movie. There was life before the Dave Chappelle Show. There will be life after it. Anyway, he’s doing stand-up again if you want to see him make jokes about black people.

No 4: Merriam-Webster has added new words to their dictionary. Woop-de-do! Let’s throw a party to celebrate! Now you can find the definitions of intelligence-elevating words like “himbo” and “unibrow.” Sorry, M-W, but your chance to be cool ended with your initial decision to be the creators of a “dictionary.”

No 5: There was also some article about Bush wanting the world to condemn North Korea for testing its BigFatPenis missiles, or whatever they’re called. I couldn’t even bring myself to read it. BAD KOREA! BAD! NO MORE MISSILES! There, I’ve done my part.

Should I call an orange “Orange”?

2006-07-06T11:56:00.000-04:00

Currently, if your kid is fat, you don’t have to tell him he’s “fat.” According to the Center for Disease Control, the correct term for doctors and parents to use with overweight children is “at risk for overweight” if their BMI is in the 85 to 94 percentile, and “overweight” if they are 95 and above. The same percentiles for adults make you “overweight” then “obese.”

The CDC felt that telling a kid he or she was “obese” would have a negative effect, and that a more diplomatic approach would be more effective.

Seems to be working really well. Now that 17 percent of kids have BMIs in the 95th or higher percentile, and 34 percent in the 85 to 94 bracket, perhaps it’s time to stop being “politically correct” and start telling mini-whales that they are, in fact, mini-whales.

Now groups of doctors are seeking to change the terms used to categorize children with weight issues. Of course, parents and fat kids are appalled. Here are some gem quotes from the latter group:

“ ‘Obese sounds mean. It doesn't sound good,’ said Trisha Leu, 17, who thinks the proposed change is a bad idea.

The Wheeling, Illinois, teen has lost 60 pounds since March as part of an adolescent obesity surgery study at the University of Illinois at Chicago.

‘When you're young, you don't understand what obese means,’ Leu said. ‘I still don't understand it.’”

Ok, first of all, you’re fucking SEVENTEEN and have had gastric bypass???

Look, if you’re seventeen and so fat that doctors consider you a viable candidate to get your stomach stapled, you better fucking know “what obese means.” The best part is she says, “I still don’t understand it.”

HOW FUCKING CLEAR DOES IT NEED TO BE? Obese = fat. If you are obese, you are fat. FAT FAT FAT. Look in the MOTHERFUCKING mirror. Do you see how you have no neck, yet three separate chins? Do you see those rolls under your breasts that stick out farther than your breasts? Do you see how rolls of extra oozage are covering your elbows and ankles? THOSE ARE YOU BEING FAT. If you have a LOT of fat, you are obese. If that’s not clear enough, we can weigh you and provide you with a number that you can check against a chart that will tell you whether or not you are OBESE. There is not much to understand here.

Also, how does a child get to the point where she needs gastric bypass? What kind of piece-of-shit lets their child blow up to the point where she could die of heart disease before she is twenty five? There is no possible way she is eating enough food to sustain that weight without you enabling her. Don’t give me that shit that she “eats what every other normal person eats.” It takes nearly 4,000 calories a day to sustain 400 lbs, unless you have a REAL metabolic disorder. Normal people don’t eat 4,000 calories a day! How is this not child abuse?

Here’s another gem quote:

“Maria Bailey of Pompano Beach, Fla., whose 12-year-old daughter, Madison, is self-consciously overweight, opposes the proposed change. She said their pediatrician has told her daughter to exercise more and see a nutritionist, but ‘hasn't told her that she's in a (weight) category.’

‘We're already raising a generation of teenagers who have eating disorders,’ Bailey said. ‘I think it would just perpetuate that.’"

Hey, guess what Maria? Your kid already HAS a fucking eating disorder if she is TWELVE and obese! Believe it or not, eating waaay too much and not exercising is equally as good a way to kill yourself as starving yourself or binging and purging. Being fat or skinny is not just about appearances, though let’s not pretend that being grossly overweight is not going to be a setback socially. It also could cost you a job, or, like, your life.

Chicago pediatrician Rebecca Unger she likes using the term “at risk for overweight” because it gives patients hope that “we can do something about it.”

You know what the term “obese” would give patients? A fucking WAKE UP CALL. Instead of “we can do something about it” how about, “DO something about it, before it starts having consequences.”

Why does everyone in this country want to sugar coat everything? Telling kids they are fat — if they are fat — is not going to “perpetuate the myth that everyone needs to fit into the ‘Hollywood ideal’.” It’s really not difficult to teach your kids what a “healthy” body weight is. Even if you think BMI is a bunch of bilge, you can look at your kid and know if he or she is healthy or too heavy or too skinny. If your kid is technically obese, can you honestly say he or she eats a healthy, moderate calorie, nutritiously balanced diet? How much soda does he or she drink at 200 calories a pop and 10 tablespoons of sugar? How many nights do you eat fast food for dinner, which has an average calorie count of 3,500 PER PERSON. Does he or she get exercise, for at least 30 minutes every day? How many HOURS does he or she spend on the TV, computer or playing video games? Yeah…that’s what I thought.

It’s time to wake up and smell the bacon grease. If it’s hard for your kid to hear she is obese from a doctor, imagine how much harder it is for her to hear, every day at school, the taunts and mockery of her classmates? Because you can sure as hell bet they aren’t worried about being “politically correct” when they address her “weight issue.” Reality isn’t going to go away because you found a nicer term to refer to it by. So just deal with it.

Breaking point

2006-07-05T12:50:00.000-04:00

There are things in this world that I may never understand. Included in this (very short) list are calculus, organic chemistry, William S. Burroughs novels and “budget crises.”

Luckily for me, a lack of knowledge in the first three should never impact my life, unless I want to deliver a speech on the non-linearity of the universe, create a new carbon-based lifeform or review 200 pages of modernist bilge.

However, “budget crises” have ways of leaking into my day-to-day, kind of like a slow drip from a sewage pipe that creates a big, brown stain down the side of the basement wall. “Budget crises” tend to cause things like “teacher union strikes” or “transit authority strikes” or “higher taxes.”

I don’t understand how budgets turn into crises. It’s really a simple thing: a list of needs plus a list of the costs of those needs. You then have a set amount to spend. Divide that amount amongst those costs and voila! You have a balanced budget. Genius.

Ok, so I realize it’s not that simple. Usually a budget list asks for far more money than can be spent. This is when those who determine the final allotment of money for the budget need to “get crackin’” and figure out what can be cut back and what is essential.

But see, here’s the thing. If you know a budget will be “tricky,” perhaps you should start working out the kinks in the budget, ummm…EARLY. Like BEFORE the motherfucking deadline, so that these fun little “crises” don’t need to take place.

The current crises?

Well, since NJ lawmakers couldn’t decide on this year’s budget by the “deadline,” all “non-essential” government offices were closed. Included are all the motor vehicle offices (sucks for you if you need your license renewed), all state parks (sucks for you, Smokey the Bear) and, best of all, each and every casino in the state (sucks for you, everyone). I don’t gamble, nor have I been to Atlantic City, ever, to gamble, so the personal loss to me if the casino closes seems nil. Umm, except the $1.2 million the casinos raise in revenue everyday that gets pumped right back into the state, which, it appears, is a wee bit scrapped for cash right now (try a multi-billion dollar deficit).

Why the inability to decide on a budget? Because all our lawmakers are total assholes. Well, most of them anyway.

Corzine’s plan to raise revenue is to increase the sales tax by one cent — 6 to 7. This alone is causing issues because some state reps think the revenue should come from higher “disability” taxes on those households making $200,000 or more (i.e., steal from the rich, give to the poor. A real original idea that’s worked really well in the past. Or hasn’t.)

Couple this with the fact that no one can fucking decide what to even do with the increased revenue, which begs the question: “If we don’t even know what to do with it, then why the fuck do we need it?”

Assembly Speaker Joseph Roberts, leading the block of\n Corzine’s budget, will accept the new budget with the sales tax increase IF all the revenue it raises goes directly toward property tax “reform.” Not a bad plan, considering owning a house in New Jersey these days is about as affordable as financing Paris Hilton’s daily shopping sprees. So Corzine says, “Ok, we’ll devote half the revenue to that.” Of course, that’s not “good enough.” Corzine’s desire to fund frivolous other things the government controls (like schools or those pesky hospitals) is standing in the way of the budget being accepted.

Corzine has “made speeches” to the legislature all weekend, when the state reps all had to work because they’d previously failed to do so when it was time to decide on a budget. He keeps telling our reps not to “play political games that will get them re-elected” but to vote in a way that will realistically help the funding needed in the state. To prove how dedicated he is to caring about the financial well-being of the citizens of New Jersey, it was Corzine himself who ordered all the “non-essential” government offices closed, which, by the way, means all the employees in those offices won’t be getting paychecks.

It’s not just the guy at the black jack table who will be hurt, either. All the workers at casino hotels will be affected. With casinos closed, fewer people will even bother staying at Atlantic City hotels, which means less money made by the restaurants, fewer tips for waitresses, waiters, bellhops, maids, etc. It means less money made by stores in and around Atlantic City. Because the NJ lottery is also shut down, owners of convenience stores will be hurt because they won’t get any revenues from the sales of tickets. All the forest rangers and workers at historic sites and the “MVC” are cut off.

Here’s the thing: for years, NJ legislators have enacted short-term solutions to the long-term problem of insufficient state funds. Wall Street guru Corzine was supposed to fix this, and his solution is permanently raising the sales tax, which will provide increased revenue this year, next year and in years to come. Total, it will raise the daily living cost for the average resident a mere couple dollars a year. The effect will be more money to devote to better schools, better roads, better hospitals, better law enforcement, etc. It also, if the “compromise plan” is accepted, will help lower property taxes. I’m not sure how paying a few more dollars a year in sales tax will save me hundreds in property taxes, but I’m willing to give it a shot.

While I shake my head at the logic of closing government offices to get his point across, I can’t help but agree with one piece of Corzine’s logic: New Jersey has been in a deficit for years. As of yet, no “short-term” solutions, like raising the taxes on the rich for a few months, has fixed that deficit. Perhaps we should, uh, give this plan a try. And perhaps we should do it, uh, soon. Before it costs the state more millions simply to support the thousands of workers it has single-handedly put out of employment. And maybe in the future our voted reps could attempt to give a fuck about the regular joes working in this state and figure out a budget before it reaches the “crisis” point. THIS IS YOUR JOB. Now fucking do it.

In a perfect world...

2006-06-30T11:24:00.000-04:00

You know what makes me really happy? The fact that there is nothing wrong in this country. We have no poverty, there are no homeless. Everyone can afford healthcare, the elderly all understand and can use Medicaid. There are no housing shortages and there is no unemployment. No kids are stuck in backward foster systems that place them in abusive homes. All of our youth are fully educated and can afford college and want to go to college and when they graduate college they immediately get jobs that are satisfying and pay well. All kids come from happy families with parents who have been educated on how to be effective, involved parents.

We found a solution that pleases everyone for issues like abortion, the death penalty and gay marriage. We’re not involved in any controversial wars, because the international community loves us and we’ve spread fair and open democracies to every country in the world and every country in the world now runs smoothly and there are no religious wars or crimes against humanity and people come together at 3 p.m. EST every day to hold hands and sing “koom-by-ya” and reflect on how great everyone is.

There is also no more terrorism, because we’ve eradicated hate and extremism. Sections of the country destroyed by recent natural disasters are all up and functioning at 100% again after FEMA fixed everything. They’ve also made sure we’re fully prepared for future disasters.

Illegal aliens no longer invade the country and compromise the economics system because they are all so shiny and happy in their home countries that they don’t need to come here. And people who do want to come here are all readily accepted and can quickly gain legal citizenship thanks to our full-functioning Immigrations Department.

No one needs to fear how he or she will afford retirement, because social security is a perfect system that functions properly and can afford all. Criminals are no longer clogging up our prison systems because our populace is too well-educated and wealthy to want to commit crimes, and even those who do are quickly shuffled through our consistently fair legal system and turned out by our magical rehabilitation centers into perfect citizens. Our gas emissions are not destroying the environment, we’re no longer too dependent on independent (vs. mass) transportation, and our highway system runs free and clear and without a single pothole. We also don’t have oversized SUVs sucking up all our gas resources. In fact, we no longer need to depend on foreign oil, because we’ve found a way to power all our vehicles and heating systems via gases produced from our collective, awe-inspiring general state of bliss, which apparently produces mass quantities of rose-scented farts.

I mean, all this must be true, because otherwise it fails to explain why our House of Representatives spent time and money debating — then voting on — a measure to “condemn” the American media for publishing articles about our government’s inspections into terrorist financing. I mean, clearly they don’t have any other problems to debate or worry over, so this is the best one they can choose.

A few days ago The New York Times published an article about C.I.A. officials tracking banking transactions that might have ties to terrorist organizations. I would link you to this article, but you have to “sign up” to read old NYT articles online, anyway, and I refuse to link to elitist newspapers whose readers think they are smarter than everyone else on the planet. Except that link I provided to said newspaper in the column to the right, but I provided that link with a “biting remark,” so it’s ok.

Anyway, there is also no point to reading this article because I see no point to the article. How is it news to anyone that U.S. officials would be trying to track financing for terrorist organizations? As the editor to the NYT blithely remarked, it’s not like U.S. officials have been keeping that concept on the down-low. If terrorists are so goddamn stupid that they haven’t yet imagined the possibility that we might use their funding records to track them down, then we don’t really need to worry about them succeeding at being terrorists.

But, of course, the “audacity” of the “out-of-control” American media to “leak vital information and compromise national security” led the House to vote on this very important measure that, umm…does not nothing.

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

It was simply a few hours and bucks spent to say to everyone, “We officially disagree with your decision to print that article.”

Umm, couldn’t you just have said, “We officially disagree with your decision to print that article” without wasting taxpayer dollars and time to “officially condemn” the media? Oh wait, most of you “Representatives” already did that anyway. And how is it fair that you condemn all media for an article printed by a handful? That’s like me kicking both my dogs because one shit on the floor.

We all already know that the government and the media don’t like each other. That’s, uhh, sort of the point to the whole “free press” concept. Sorry if that’s tough for you Reps to accept, but that’s the way it is. Now, if you could try for 30 seconds to stop playing motherfucking political games and actually tackle an issue that effects peoples’ lives, that would be great.

Fun with oxymorons! Or, just 'morons'

2006-06-28T13:56:00.000-04:00

Ok, you ready? Here’s a list of classic oxymorons you’ve been presented with every time someone has tried to illustrate what an oxymoron is:

Jumbo shrimp
Silent scream
Government organization
Tax return
Pretty ugly
Healthy tan
Microsoft works
Talented actress

You know what else is oxymoronic? Burning the American flag.

Look, I’m not some rabid, lunatic pro-America Rah! Rah! cheerleader Republican. In general, I think I maintain a fairly level-headed view on my country: Overall it’s a great place, but not everything it does or believes in is terrific simply because it comes with a healthy dose of THIS IS DEMOCRACY/FREEDOM AND YOU’LL FUCKING LIKE IT OR I’LL SHOOT A MISSILE INTO YOUR NEAREST ELEMENTARY SCHOOL AND CALL IT A ‘REGRETABLE ACCIDENT.’

There are aspects to what America does, and how we do it, that I oppose. Like how Christian rules, morals and values seem to sneak in to my Federal and local laws and rule my life, despite the fact that I don’t believe in Christianity. Or like how we think that democracy is the natural and only course to freedom and that we should force it on every country we conquer *ahem* liberate.

I choose to express my displeasure with these American acts and ideals by writing about my displeasure, telling my friends, family and neighbors about my displeasure, and trying to vote based on who I think will lessen my displeasure. I’ve written editorials in newspapers and given money to causes I believe in. This is the American way, and I fully recognize (and appreciate) that it is because of American ideals, beliefs and freedoms that I am even allowed to do this.

Now, we all know how I stand on people who hate all things American: GET THE FUCK OUT. I simply cannot fathom why anyone who hates everything about the place he or she lives in would … uhh…live there. You’ll be not surprised to know that there are actually other places in the world to live. Many of these places are even cheaper to live in than America, and many of them contain people who speak English, so you don’t even have to learn a new language to move out. Perhaps there’s the challenge of mastering the metric system, but is that so much to ask for the “freedom” of no longer living under the “tyranny” of the “imperialistic” hate-monger known as the U.S. of A? America certainly does not force you to stay here (unless you’re a criminal), so there’s nothing stopping you.

But instead of moving out, hordes of Americans who hate America choose to express their displeasure by burning the American flag. Read: I hate this country so much, I want everything it stands for to burn.

STUPID.

The reason this is an oxymoron? If it weren’t for the freedoms that America provides TO express yourself, you wouldn’t be ABLE to express your hatred for America by burning the flag. The same ideals and freedoms you purport to despise are the same ideals and freedoms that provided you the means to burn the motherfucking flag! How can you exploit the freedoms you hate to express your hatred? Not only does that not make sense, it also makes you a big, fat hypocrite on TOP of being a gigantic fucking asshole.

This blog was inspired because Senate voted (again) to maintain that flag burning is NOT illegal. Now, I could go on about how this is a snow tactic to rally support for the Republican right (much like how they tried to do by making "gay marriage" an issue again) so they can garner votes for the upcoming election they all fear and despise because Bush has been such a royal fuck-up lately that they've begun to think people might do something crazy and vote Democractic. They want to make this issue come to light and then show how all those America-hating liberal Dems voted to keep flag-burning legal because all Democrats hate America and want to see it destroyed, which is why they ran for office on America-hating platforms like "helping the schools" and "making Medicaid easier."

But I won't touch that issue because that's not what this blog is about. This blog is about oxymorons (see title), not "stupid political games that always manage to fool and manipulate the red states."

The measure to make flag-burning illegal only failed by one vote, but I’m glad that the measure didn’t pass. After all, one thing that makes this country great is that it is willing to hear the opinions of all: even Super Assholes like flag burners, the KKK and the lovely folks at the Westboro Baptist Church. And although I maintain that vast amounts of people in this country are dismally stupid, so far none of these “fringe” groups have inspired much in the way of mass support. Mostly they just anger people and re-inspire them to love America, black people and gays, if only to separate them from the morons who dedicate their lives to hating them.

The thing that annoys me is that it is even an issue to begin with. Can’t you fuckers leave the American-flag-burning to those brainwashed animals in the Middle East (who, by the way, would be shot in the streets if they ever burned the flag of their own country)? Instead of just declaring yourself full-out anti-American, why not seek to change the things you dislike for the better? Or is that too much work for you? What change do you truly hope to inspire by burning the American flag? If it’s something like “the war in Iraq” or “Bush’s policies on health coverage” or “no soda in the schools,” I can think of 47.6 million better ways to express your displease. This country does provide avenues to inspire change for the better. And if those avenues don’t work out, there’s always the charming, tree-lined, one-way street that leads to the GET THE FUCK OUT I’ve always loved so much.

It’s not you that’s making you fat, it’s the air conditioning

2006-06-27T14:21:00.000-04:00

I love excuses, especially when I’m giving them. Like, “Oh, I missed your call because my phone was off” or “I’m late because of traffic” or “I’m sorry, officer, I didn’t see that kid on his bike because I was taking a swig of my 40.” So what can be better than excuses? How about making REALLY BIG excuses for REALLY BIG problems? And when I say REALLY BIG, I mean oozing, rubbery, overflowing, muffin-top big. Like obesity.

The first question to ask yourself is, “Why am I fat?” Because the chances are that if you’re American, you’re fat. Maybe your excuse is that you’re “not fat.” You’re “big boned.” You’re “genetically predisposed.” You’re “cursed with a slow metabolism.”

Uh-huh.

Well, it seems Americans were incapable of dreaming up sufficient excuses for their own excessive, corpulent flesh and so scientists had to devise a list of excuses for them.

Wanna know why these “doctors” at the International “Journal” of Obesity believe that Americans are fat?

1. Inadequate sleep.

Yes, all you Rosie O-Donnell lookalikes out there. Don’t worry about those six Krisy Kremes you ate this morning. Just go take a fucking nap and you’ll wake up a size 4.

2. Endocrine disruptors, which are substances in some foods that may alter fats in the body.

As soon as I figure out what an “endocrine disruptor” is, I’m going to get around to making fun of it. Promise.

3. Nice temperatures. (Air conditioning and heating limit calories burned from sweating and shivering.)

Seriously, are they fucking kidding? AIR CONDITIONING MAKES YOU FAT!? First of all, assholes, sweating doesn’t make you thin. It makes you fucking dehydrated. Sure, less water in your body means fewer pounds on the scale, but guess what – you’ll still have the same 175 lbs. of excess cellulite dripping off your ass despite whether you’re sweating out all your water or not. And shivering? I mean, I guess shivering would burn calories, but you’d basically have to be making snow angels while naked for 8 hours to really shiver off an adequate amount of calories to make any difference. And heat, by-the-by, is not exactly a new fucking invention. I think even the cavemen had heat. It’s called fire. People did not spend hours shivering. So unless this obesity epidemic began after the year 30,000 BC, that excuse might be a little off.

4. Fewer people smoking. (Less appetite suppression.)

Yes, take a deep puff and smoke away those pounds!

5. Medicines that cause weight gain.

SIDE EFFECTS INCLUDE: Headache, mild nausea and diarrhea, heart arrhythmia and three-trunk sized thunder thighs. Guess what? Modern medicine? Yeah, that was around 20 years ago, too. Things like “steroids” and “birth control” and all those other wonderful drugs that everyone ALREADY knows cause weight gain. Guess what wasn’t around 20 years ago? THE OBESITY EPIDEMIC. Try again.

6. Population changes. (More middle-agers and Hispanics, who have higher obesity rates.)

Hispanics have higher obesity rates? I thought those were the people who still worked in “the fields.” Shouldn’t that keep those fuckers thin?

7. Older birth moms. (That correlates with heavier children).

Can someone explain this one to me? Why would your kid be more fat because you popped him out at 32 instead of 25? Do you feel more inclined to shovel mac & cheese into his mouth because you’re teetering dangerously close to middle age and are depressed and want to binge but you can’t so you’ll binge vicariously through your child? Caring about what your kid eats should maintain a pretty even level through the years.

8. Genetic influences during pregnancy.

Hmm…”Genetic influences.” Like, uh, what? Like you “genetically” shoveled 6 pints of Haagen Daaz into your maw every night for the past nine months saying, “I’m eating for two” and now your baby is born addicted to butter pecan?

9. Darwinian natural selection. (Fat people outsurvive skinny ones).

Ok, here’s a plan. Drop me and a 300-lber off on a deserted island. On the other side of the island is a getaway plane, but to get to it you have to cross a semi-active volcano, insect-infested jungle, quicksand and some communities of “colorful” natives. I’d like to place the bets now on who is going to survive.

Fat people do NOT outsurvive skinny people, unless by “skinny” you mean “Nicole Ritchie,” in which case you really mean “skeletal.” Last time I checked, “fat” had lots of wonderful health issues associated with it, like type-2 diabetes, heart disease and hypertension. These things KILL YOU. Being a healthy body weight is not associated with ANY diseases. Not having ANY diseases does NOT kill you.

Have you ever seen a really, really old fat person? No. All those geezers who live to be like 105 look like rails.

10. Assortative mating, or "like mating with like.” Translation: fat people procreating with others of the same body type, gradually skewing the population toward the heavy end.

There is nothing more gross than the visual image of two whales fucking. It’s nice that fat people can have each other, because the rest of us sure as hell don’t want them, but can they please stop mating? No one wants to see their fatass progeny. Well, maybe we do. Because without them, who would we make fun of on the playground?

Anyway, so…nice list. How about No. 11: Americans are fat because they eat CRAP all day, consume twice or more the daily calories they need to survive, and think wiping themselves when they shit constitutes “exercise.” How about THAT?

What the roly-poly masses of America don’t need are more excuses for why they are fat. What they DO need are round-about kicks in the face, Chuck-Norris-style. Who paid for this study? Because if it was my tax dollars I seriously might kill someone.

Celebrities are stupid

2006-06-27T11:33:00.000-04:00

You don’t have to look much farther than Britney Spears to realize that fame does not make you brilliant. Nor does it necessarily make you glamorous, attractive or a good person.

Today’s news seemed chock full of asshole celebrities doing the dumbest things imaginable, so if the news is going to thrust a theme in my face, I’m going to thrust right back and then when you watch that happen it’ll look like two people doing this weird thrusting thing that might be a dance or might be kind of sexual but definitely looks pretty fucking retarded. Enjoy.

One thing I love hearing is that self-righteous religious pricks are impotent. And not only are they impotent, but they are so ashamed of being impotent that they have to get medication to make them not impotent in a sneaky, covert, illegal way. It seems my friend and yours, Rush Limbaugh, was caught with Viagra in a bottle that did not have his name on it. Officials searched his bag at an airport, and under the Bible and furry handcuffs, found the bottle containing the pills, but on the label was the name of two doctors, not the virulent Mr. Limbaugh. Of course, as you all know, Limbaugh has been in trouble recently for abusing painkillers. Glad to see he has learned from his mistakes. I wonder what his best friend, Jesus, would have to say about his penchant for illegal drugs and four-hour erections? I’m sure there’s a relevant passage in the Book of John about that somewhere…

Another thing I love hearing is that really, really beautiful people are heinous bitches. People like Naomi Campbell, who has been sued like 19 times now for beating the shit out of her assistants when they forget she takes TWO Equals with her coffee, not ONE you ugly, vapid fucktard! Her former maid sued Campbell when the she-devil supermodel went into a rage and hit the maid over the head with her cell phone. Smart. What is it with celebrities and phones and beating people? I’ve used phones all my life and they’ve never inspired me to violence. Nor do I ever look at a phone and think, “Golly gee, this would make a fantastic blunt weapon.” Once again, glad to see she’s learned from her mistakes. You know, you’re Naomi Fucking Campbell. If you don’t like your assistants you could just, like, fire them. There are approximately 30,000 other low-self-esteem, anorexic girls out there who would be dying to serve your every need and whim.

But throwing a phone at someone is nowhere near as cool as biting them in the leg. Anyway, that must have been what Axl Rose thought because he did just that to a security guard outside his hotel in Stockholm. Apparently Axl had started an “altercation” with some strange woman in the hotel lobby. When the security guard tried to intervene, the heavily intoxicated Axl Rose BIT him in the leg. He was quickly hauled off to jail. I know this blog is supposed to be funny, but this is a very sad story. Everyone knows what happens when your animal bites a person in the leg. That’s right — The Big Needle. But it’s ok, we can get you another animal from the pound for Christmas. You’ll be over it by then. This time, give him a better name, though, and keep that fucker on a leash! Also, tell your new animal that “dreadlocks” with little colored pieces weaved through them look really cute on 6-year-old girls on the beach on Jamaican vacations, but really fucking gay on aging, petulant former rock stars.

Here’s a story I had to go fishing for. You may have heard of Warren Buffett — one of the world’s richest men thanks to some wise investments throughout his life. Yeah, well, he’s decided to give away 85% of his fortune (he’s worth around $42 billion) to a really needy person. Bill Gates. Ok, well actually he’s giving all the money to Gates’ charity, which helps, like, poor people, or something. I’m not sure. All I’m really sure about is that if I were Warren Buffett’s kid, I would have started feeding my dad arsenic-laced soup about five years ago. Buffett has always been rather, say, “frugal.” He still lives in a $30,000 house and only takes in $100,000 a year salary from his company, Berkshire Hathaway. He feels it’s “un-American” to inherit a huge fortune, and believes his kids should have to earn their own billions. Hence, he’s always pledged to give away a vast majority of his money before he died, and now he has. Explain to me the point in even making billions if you’re not going to A.) Enjoy the money or B.) Provide for your kids with them? Seriously. Of course, he’s from Omaha, so what the fuck do I expect? Nothing good ever comes out of Omaha, except steaks, and those will fucking kill you.

If the shoe fits...

2006-06-23T15:12:00.000-04:00

There are things that I hate. In past blogs, I’ve provided long, detailed lists of the People I Hate. I also hate scallops, because I think their consistency reminds me of snot. I’ve never eaten hunks of snot, but if I did, I imagine it’d be a lot like eating a scallop.

A lot of restaurants serve scallops. So you know what I do? I don’t order them. Instead, I order something else that I enjoy. “Leave the scallops be” I say. If someone else orders the scallops, I may remark, “Ew, scallops are fucking gross” or something else equally elegant, but I don’t try to force anyone to not eat scallops. To each his own, and if you enjoy eating hunks of snot, far be it for me to tell you otherwise.

So see, that’s why it’s so difficult for me to understand the intentions of these seven men. Ok, so you were born and raised here and you decide you hate America and all the people who live in it.

SO FUCKING MOVE.

Why is it that your hatred of America spurs you to violence? You know, lots of people like America, so maybe you could leave it around for those of us who want to partake, and you can take your ignant asses somewhere else. Somewhere that agrees with your moral sensibilities, like Saudia Arabia, where you can still stone your wife if she burns the roast.

The details on these seven are still sketchy, but it seems they all decided to form a group of “home-grown terrorists” or an “insider’s al qaeda.” Then they wanted to “recreate 9/11” only this time by taking down the Sears Tower in Chicago and some FBI buildings.

See, this just goes to show how stupid these guys are. Who the fuck cares about the Sears Tower anymore? If you want to cause emotional devastation, why not set your sights on an iconic image we actually give a fuck about? The Statue of Liberty, the Golden Gate Bridge, the Empire State Building. You know, an image that when shown to you says, “America,” not “What the fuck is this big, rectangular building you’re showing me?”

Of course the family members of this group are all out saying the men are “innocent” and “not terrorists.” Uh-huh. The American government just randomly chose six dudes from Miami and one dude from Alabama (apparently he moved) as the victims of this mass-conspiracy. Likely. Not to mention the unlikelihood that they would put the tag of “terrorist” on anyone they weren’t pretty sure about, because they’ve just made these guys the next biggest targets of vigilante snipers. Of course, who knows what the government is capable of when it comes to distracting the American people and making them believe it is capable of protecting us.

The best part is they were caught because one member of the group tried to contact a man he believed to be connected with al qaeda. A man who, it turns out, actually works for the FBI. The would-be-terrorist wanted, amongst other items, “guns, trucks, boots and $50,000.” I didn’t know al qaeda was a bank/Walmart. And what the fuck do they need boots for? If these morons can’t afford their own shoes, how the fuck are they going to take down a skyscraper? To show just how true his intentions were (to get boots), he provided a list of his group members’ shoe sizes, which also had the group members’ names on it, which is partly what led to the arrest of the other men. I don’t have that list of sizes, but I envision them as “small.”

Anyway, so the lesson here is:

1) If you hate America, just move out instead of planning to kill people who never did anything to you. We’re not forcing you to stay here.
2) If you want to destroy America, don’t try contacting an al qaeda member through an ad in the newspaper. This is most likely not al qaeda.
3) Buy your own boots in the future instead of making a list of shoe sizes that details the names of everyone in your make-shift terrorist organization.

Would you like fries with that?

2006-06-21T12:32:00.000-04:00

When I was in high school, I worked for minimum wage as a cashier in a drug store. I’d work about 30 to 35 hours a week over the summers — never full time, because the company didn’t want to pay for some bubble-gum chomping teenager’s health benefits or retirement funds, which 40 hours a week would have gotten me.

I didn’t mind, though, and I’ll tell you why. I WAS A TEENAGER. I lived with mom and dad, and my $150-after-taxes was mine, pure and simple, for spending on the items important to a teenage girl. Items like tight t-shirts and 35 pairs of jeans and $25 bottles of shampoo.

It’s only now that I’m in the “real world” and pulling in a similarly measely paycheck that I can relate to the schleps of the world trying to support a family on minimum wage. On my salary, which is significantly higher, if figured on an hourly basis, than minimum wage, I could not afford to live on my own in my home state. Not if I expected the other luxuries of life, like “eating” or “heating oil.” And I only have me to support.

Do you know what the minimum wage in America is? $5.15 an hour. It has not been raised since 1997. However, in the past nine years, members of Congress have voted themselves a pay raise every single year, increasing their net worth by about 23% in that time.

On the current minimum wage, an “average” family will not earn enough to make it above the poverty line. The wage would have to be increased 46% just to hit that mark, which sounds like a lot, but consider that gas has gone up 140% since 1997, and heating oil 120% and suddenly it doesn’t seem so ridiculous.

More or less, it’s “big business” and their love affair with the Republican party that has kept the minimum wage down. Of course gigantic companies have a vested interest in keeping the wages low, because that means more money for the boss and less shelled out to the people actually working at his or her company. Nothing spells “America” like fucked-over cheap labor!

When are we going to realize that gigantic businesses have far too much fucking power in this country?

On average, members of Congress make $165,000 a year. Not exactly the salary of your average baseball player, but certainly not a paycheck to sniff at. Why do people making more money than the average middle-class worker (and don’t forget that members of Congress tend to be rich to begin with) need a raise each year, yet the people making less than the poverty line do not?

More importantly, why the FUCK is it set up that members of Congress get to vote for their own raises?????

“Gee, Rep. Bob. We have the opportunity to make more money again this year. How do you think we should vote?”

“Gee, I dunno Rep. Bill. I’ve been looking at this new yacht all summer, we’d better vote yes.”

What other job on the planet, other than “CEO,” allows you to determine your own pay check? Do I think I deserve a hefty raise each year? Fuck yes! If given the opportunity to do so, would I? Fuck yes!

People are fucking greedy. Do you think those Congress members are considering all the starving single-moms out there who need the minimum wage raised as they sign off on their new BMW 6-series? No. Which is why it should NOT be left up to Congress if Congress gets a raise. We have committees for every goddamn fucking problem or sector in this country, couldn’t we form some small objective group to determine the pay checks of Congress? And maybe – just a thought here – the fucking minimum wage could be set to, oh, I don’t know, INCREASE along with the natural flow of INFLATION? I’m not Alan Greenspan, but that seems to make a tiny bit of sense to me. And fuck what “big business” has to say about it.

We ain't nothin' but mammals..

2006-06-20T16:32:00.000-04:00

"U.S. soldiers' bodies mutilated, booby-trapped"

Can someone explain to me again why we're in Iraq? Do we go into the jungles with guns to liberate monkeys? Do we break up bands of rogue lions to liberate antelope? SO WHY THE FUCK ARE WE LIBERATING THESE FUCKING ANIMALS?

Blogettes Return!

2006-06-13T16:33:00.000-04:00

Ok, you know an even better reason why you shouldn’t picnic on the beach in the Gaza Strip? Apparently, there are so many missile shells and bullets and land mines and abandoned nuclear weapons littering the beach that no one can conclusively say what caused the explosion that killed all those people a few days ago. I won’t go to beaches along the Jersey shore because too many jelly fish and soda bottles wash up on the sand; can’t say how much I’d avoid them if they were also littered with missiles. And, in true Israel/Palestine form, the two groups are now battling to blame each other for the deaths. The Palestinians immediately blamed the Israel Defense Force, while Israel is saying it was explosives planted there by the Palestinians. My estimation? It was the motherfucking tooth faerie, in a grand conspiracy to off Santa Claus, who is known to vacation in the West Bank.

***

Here’s a lovely story about our wonderful black-and-blue in the fine state of California. You keep serving and protecting, you ex-high school bullies and brain-dead former jocks! Some of us like to look where we’re going when we drive, but you’re the one with the badge, so who am I to tell you what to do?

***

Heather Mills, soon to be ex-wife of former Beatle Paul McCartney, is planning on sueing the newspaper that alleged she was a prostitute for a time when she was in her 20s. I’m not sure what the problem is. I mean, wasn’t she sleeping with Paul for his money? Doesn’t that make her a prostitute? So then everyone already knows she’s a one-legged whore, so it’s not really news anyway.

***

Rep. Pat Kennedy has plead guilty to charges he was “driving under the influence” when he crashed his car into a barrier outside the Capitol building a few weeks ago. He claims that he was on sleeping medication at the time, which is what caused his “drunken state,” though it is curious that the high-profile senator wasn’t given a sobriety test on the scene, but rather was escorted home by police. He will undergo “treatment” for an apparent addiction to painkillers/prescription drugs. The only thing I’m questioning here is not whether he was drinking when he had his accident, nor whether law enforcement treated him special because he’s famous, nor whether getting sentenced to ‘seek treatment’ is too lenient a sentence for his crime. No, what I’m questioning is whether or not this man is truly a Kennedy because surely if he’d been a Kennedy he would have either A.) Died horribly in the accident, B.) Killed someone else in the accident, then lied about it and gotten away with it or C.) Been about to have an accident, only to be saved at the last minute when Chuck Norris jumps in front of his car to save it from hitting the barrier. Since none of these things happened, it leaves doubt in my mind to the authenticity of this man’s birth.

***

The latest person to hate the stripper who accused Duke lacrosse players of raping her? J.J. Redick, one of Duke’s basketball stars who incurred a DWI over the weekend. When I was in college, our football players collected DWI tickets like they were baseball cards. News of this often made our college paper, and the po-dunk newspaper that covered the local towns. It did not, however, make national news. But if you’re J.J. Redick, you can thank one black stripper for your personal indiscretion being slapped all over newspapers country-wide. See, the news media have now made a connection. “Things that are bad that happen at Duke are issues everyone cares about.” Too bad I don’t give a fuck.

Brilliant!

2006-06-12T14:50:00.000-04:00

I admit — I don’t have very many “good ideas.” I mean, if I did, I would have thought of something cool by now, like EBay or Buy.com or The Pet Rock and I’d be sitting on piles of money.

Not that I’ve had many bad ideas. You don’t see me making any “Jump to Conclusion Mats.” I just don’t have very many ideas at all. And that’s ok, there’s always the lottery, right?

Despite my lack of good or bad ideas, I have developed something of a knack for identifying others’ good and bad ideas as such. For example, O.J. Simpson’s decision to get publicity via a sex tape? Bad idea. Sorry, Juice, but you’re no Paris Hilton. And thank god for that. However, Samuel L. Jackson’s decision to star in a movie titled Snakes on a Plane? Fucking genius idea. See, it’s fairly easy. Let’s play the same game with today’s news.

Ok, let’s say you’re 16 (and a girl) and you meet some totally awesome dude on MySpace. Good idea? No. See this is already an idea turning sour. Rule #1 for MySpace usage is: Don’t meet people via MySpace. Look, it’s a fun place to stroke your own ego, post bad music and stalk the people you used to (or currently) go to high school with, but otherwise it’s just a cesspool/breeding ground for pedophiles and freaks. I know, I have a profile there, and I’m a goddamn disaster (but, let the record state, NOT a pedophile.)

Ok, but let’s give this 16-year-old chick a break and say this dude is “really cool” and has lots of fun things to say. I imagine he would have a lot of fun things to say since he lives in JERICHO, which for you non-geography-bee-winners out there, is a section of the Middle East, also known as the “area between the testicles and the asshole” or “taint” of the world.

Ok, so he’s young and exciting. What’s that? Oh, he’s 25? Ok, so he’s a pedophile and exciting. So what’s the worst mistake you could possibly make? Oh, I dunno. Maybe LIE TO YOUR PARENTS SO THEY GET YOU A PASSPORT SO YOU CAN FLY TO THE MIDDLE EAST TO MEET HIM.

That might possibly be the worst — scratch that — goddamn stupidest idea you, or anyone else that has ever lived, has ever had.

Look, I know that at 16 you can be rather self-involved and oblivious. I think when I was 16 I thought Palestine was a country. It’s ok. But you have to of been living in a cave, inside a bunker, inside a cave that had no television access, or internet, or phone, and very little air, which left you slightly dizzy and unable to form concrete thoughts to have been unaware that the Middle East is a big, volatile shit hole where your chances of getting blown up are 1 in 1, especially if you’re a goddamn 16-year-old white girl from Rural Town, America. Aren’t there any hot, 25-year-old pedophiles living in their parents’ basements in AMERICA that you could have been manipulated by?

You know, I once bought a box of toothpicks and noticed on the side of the box that the toothpicks came with instructions on how to use them. Not just word instructions, like “Put piece of wood between teeth” but actual drawn-out instructions with pictures. At the time, I asked myself, “Who the fuck needs instructions on how to use a toothpick?” Now I know.

Luckily, U.S. officials in Jordan’s airport were able to “send the girl home” before she made it to the West Bank. Well, aren’t I breathing a sigh of relief. U.S. officials managed to get THE STUPIDEST PERSON ALIVE to come safely back to America. At least she’ll be there to bring up the Red States’ collective I.Q.s again. That is until she kills herself, running with scissors through three feet of water with the hairdryer on.

Movin' on up

2006-06-09T15:38:00.000-04:00

I have a question, and I think it’s a valid one. Actually, it’s two questions.

1.) How are there any more buildings left to bomb in Israel?
2.) How are there any Israeli or Palestinian civilians left alive?

I’ve been reading the newspaper, on a conscious level, for quite a few years now, and it has seemed like for the past decade (at least) I’ve read one article a day about some Israelies bombing some Palestinians or vice versa or both in the same freakin’ day.

I mean, how does anyone in his or her right mind step onto a bus in that area anymore? What is the likelihood your bus will be bombed? One in four? Ninety-eight percent? You have about the same chance of surviving a trip on public transport there as a Hershey bar has of surviving a day in Rosie O’Donnell’s dressing room. And same goes for eating in a restaurant, loitering in a public courtyard or simply being in the vicinity of that portion of the Middle East.

The Israel Defense Force is apologizing today, because it accidentally bombed a beach where a Palestinian family was out picnicking. This leads me to more questions. Questions like, “Who authorized the IDF to shell a beach with families picnicking on it?” and “Why did they do this?” and, most importantly, “Why are you picnicking on a beach in the Gaza Strip?”

See, this last question is most important because it leads to a good point. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU LIVE THERE?

If I had a family, the last place on earth I’d want to raise it is anywhere near Israel or the Gaza Strip or any other place on Earth that has a big, omnipresent target over it. If God is going to be pissed at you for moving your kids out, than he’s a pretty goddamn stupid god. I mean, that’s like believing that Newark is “the chosen land” and deciding to live there, when you’d be perfectly capable of raising your kids in The Hamptons. If God had picked Newark to be his particular “chosen land,” he’s obviously one shit-ass prospector.

Look, here is what I’m saying. I, like many people, am tired of hearing about the 3 bajillion people who get killed in Israel every day. So … figure it out. MOVE THE FUCK AWAY. Get out! Leave the bomb capital of the world and settle somewhere else! And I’m not directing this at either group. Frankly, I don’t give a fuck who “belongs” on the land. I don’t think anyone “belongs” on a particular pile of dirt. I think you can “belong” wherever you decide to rest your head at night. I think, if there were a God, he didn’t create the Earth and then parcel it out and say, “Ok, these people belong here and these people belong here and they shouldn’t mix.”

I mean, it’s not even that nice of a place. It’s kind of hot and desert-like and brown. Why not consider the south of France, or an island off of Italy?

Anyway, if you have a family and aren’t some extremist moron, take a hint from the past dozen or so years and make an educated decision to save your own ass and the asses of your family members. And when you do move, try not to piss off the locals. Because that’s where the problem started in the first place.

Apologies

2006-06-02T16:27:00.000-04:00

I do apologize for taking the past two weeks off. Unfortunately, all my work at my job piled up at once, and while I may have been able to spare a few minutes to blog here and there, I was kind of mentally wiped, which prevents me from developing the fundamental anger required to rant. I promise to try and get back on the ball by next week.

--Oedipa

The litigation bug is spreading ...

2006-05-17T16:13:00.000-04:00

The thing is, I had planned a rant yesterday. I wanted to write one about the President’s speech, because I had planned for it to make me angry. But in one of the most unforeseen events this year, I found myself thinking Bush’s speech on immigration wasn’t so bad, and in some ways seemed reasonable.

Ten minutes after that, a pig was spotted flying through the snow clouds developing over hell.

Most people seemed to be in my boat about his speech, though the extremists on either side were categorically unhappy — the amnesty-ists want to see all 11 million illegals in this country granted instant citizenship, while the militants still want all 11 shipped out tomorrow and the borders sealed shut behind them.

I also read a CNN article that asked why Bush is proposing we send just 6,000 National Guard troops to the borders instead of 20,000 military to really make sure the line is secure.

I dunno, this is a good question. I guess Bush doesn’t want to look too “militant.”

*Begin fit of laughter now.*

Or maybe it has to do with the fact that the residents living in the towns near the border would prefer not to live in military encampments. That probably has something to do with it.

Oh yeah, and like, lots of our troops are off stomping around in some other desert. That might have something to do with it, too.

Anyway, another group apparently unhappy with Bush’s speech?

The Mexicans.

Should this come as a surprise? No. Mexicans are like, “My country is a fucking shit hole, and I don’t want it to become more difficult to get into America.” But get this — the Mexican government is actually threatening to sue (through its American consulates) if National Guardsmen start detaining illegal aliens.

First of all, who the fuck is Mexico? I mean, really. What fucking power do they hold? Do they even export anything? Taco shells maybe? Or those big hats? How is it even possible that they can sue us in our own country? How do they even know how to sue? I thought all they knew how to do was pick fruit and play those cute, little guitars while I eat fajitas.

Second of all, it’s YOUR fucking people causing this problem. We wouldn’t need to send anyone to our goddamn border if thousands of your countrymen weren’t trying to escape here every day. So maybe you could try doing something about the problem at your end, instead of threatening to sue OUR country for putting OUR guardsmen at OUR side of the border to catch YOUR people who are coming here ILLEGALLY. Why don’t we sue the fuck out of you for creating this mess? Or for increasing the number of illegal drugs in this country, muled in by your desperate countrymen? Oh that’s right, you don’t have any fucking money to sue you out of. You’re Mexico.

Do you know what the average worker makes in Mexico everyday? Neither do I. But I know it’s just dollars a day. The poverty over there is staggering, and since so few residents have any hope for education, a solid job or, like, indoor plumbing, they will do anything to come to America. And by anything I mean stuff themselves into unopenable freight trailers, or try crossing the desert with little food and water.

It’s desperation that drives them, so a great way to stop this from happening would be for the Mexican government to stop smoking jeebes all day and start figuring out a way to fix its own economy. Start creating jobs! Start educating your people! Stop worrying about what the U.S. is doing on the border! We have no interest in invading your rat hole of a country!

Members of the Mexican government are actually saying that adding National Guardsmen to the borders would increase the number of Mexicans who die trying to cross illegally, because they would be forced to cross at even more remote areas, or in even more trailer-like trailers.

Again, HOW IS THIS OUR FAULT? Should we just not guard the fucking border at all, so illegals can saunter safely in, and we don’t have to worry about anyone croaking in the back of an abandoned 18-wheeler? These people are choosing that fate when they decide they’d rather risk their lives than try to slum it in their home country any longer.

I say, if Mexico sues, we just withdraw the billions of dollars in aid and food exports and water and everything else we provide to that country, and see how they fare. Sue us, my ass.

For my dad...

2006-05-17T15:32:00.000-04:00

Two additional people WE hate:

People who have wardrobe malfunctions at the table next to us at Mother's Day dinner and allow their fat, hairy ass cracks to distrupt our enjoyment of steak.

People who are old and look like piles of fat who sit near you at nice restaurants.

Can you hear me now?

2006-05-11T13:43:00.000-04:00

I want to know what poor National Security Agency unpaid intern had to sift his way through my phone records last week.

“Okay, and here we have the records of potential terrorist, Oedipa Maas. Let’s see who she’s been calling.

Ok… umm, looks like this one is her bank.
And here we have her bank.
Tuesday, called the bank again.
Wednesday made a five-minute ring to her credit card company, plus a call to the bank.
Thursday looks like, ooooooh, computer trouble. Fifty-seven-minute call to Dell, Corp. in India. That must have been fun.
Friday she called the bank again. Dude, does this chick have any friends?”

It seems like every day some government agency is “discovered” peering into some personal record of mine, whether it’s my library books, my phone transcripts, or now the list of the numbers I’ve called. When did the NSA stop being a homeland security department and start becoming the Secret Police?

You know, a part of me wants to say, “Who cares.” Because, really, anyone listening in on my phone convos, looking at what books I’ve read or discovering what numbers I’ve called isn’t going to see or hear anything very interesting. I’m not doing anything illegal in my day-to-day life, so I don’t really have anything to hide or be afraid about people discovering.

But, see, here’s the problem. If you just roll over and say, “Ah well, good people shouldn’t be worried because they aren’t doing anything wrong” than you’ve said to the government, “It’s ok to secretly wiretap our phones” and “It’s ok to get access to my phone records without going through the proper legal channels.” If Bush can just order someone to listen to my phone whenever he wants, and not feel obligated to present to some judge any evidence that supports the idea that I’m doing something wrong and need to have my phone tapped, then what stops him from doing it whenever he wants, for whatever reason he wants?

And maybe Bush wouldn’t use this power for ill, but if the precedent is set, then some future American president who may use it for ill already has the pathway cleared before him. Once we start saying, “Hey, the executive branch of the government can impinge upon our privacy anytime it wants without checking with the other two branches” then we’ve created an imbalance that can lead to an abuse of power. But what am I saying? The abuse of power has already taken place, and Bush is trying to spread ill.

For one, the “database” of calls tracks who called who and involves numbers dialed by tens of thousands of Americans. The records were supplied by your happy telephone companies: AT&T, Verizon and Bell South. If the government can force those companies to supply information about you and I, what’s to stop them from contacting your bank or your hospital? What’s to stop them from making a database of who has AIDS, or who is in debt? It seems silly, but so would the idea that some government agency is compiling your phone records if I’d suggested it a year ago.

For two, lest us not forget that the NSA is the same “spy” department that Bushie had tapping our phones illegally. Basically, he’s been using this same department to spy on ordinary American citizens in more than one way. And the NSA has VERY effectively prevented our own government from discovering just how illegal those wiretaps were. So Bushie abuses his power, illegally tells the NSA to wiretap our phones, and then when the Justice Department comes to investigate, the NSA pulls the “security” card and says the info is “too classified” for the JD to investigate. So our phone convos are “too classified” for the Justice Department, but not for the NSA to listen to? Got it.

Bushie will be leaving office in less than two years, but he’s not going out without maintaining power wherever he can. Like, oh, promoting the director of his NSA Secret Police to become the head of another sector of the Secret Police, the CIA. Just spread the wealth, Bushie. Spread the wealth.

Whenever these spying discoveries are made, Bushie is always out there telling the people not to worry, and that their privacy is safe. As though saying it would make it true. Like Rosie O’Donnell can announce “I’m thin” or O.J. can say “I’m innocent” or Richard Simmons can say “I’m straight” and suddenly reality will shift itself to make those statements fact.

This is America. In America we don’t have secret police, our government doesn’t spy on its people, and we don’t sacrifice all our rights in order to protect ourselves from evil outsiders.

Is terrorism a threat? Sure it is, and I, like everyone else in this country, would like to think our government is doing something to protect us from it. How does a database of who thousands of Americans called help us stop terrorism? Are tens of thousands of Americans actually terrorists? Because if they are, we’re really fucked. Why isn’t the NSA working on making our airports safer, on fixing our border patrol problems, on finding a way to check more ships and imports at our nation’s docks for chemical weapons, on preparing our nation’s local law enforcements to deal with emergencies, etc.? There is clearly plenty of shit for them to improve upon for NATIONAL SECURITY, so as the NATIONAL SECURITY Agency, maybe they could spend less time calculating how often I call my bank, and more time protecting our goddamn country.

This Blog is Based on Actual Events

2006-05-09T12:50:00.000-04:00

I have something to confess, and I know it may be difficult for some of you to understand, but it needs to be said.

I have not read The DaVinci Code. I realize this makes me automatically out-of-touch, unAmerican and eligible for eviction from an East Coast, New York City suburb community, but it’s true.

I didn’t purposely avoid or boycott the book. It’s just not the type of work that would usually interest me. I don’t usually like “crime thrillers” or “mystery dramas” or whatever the fuck people are calling it. Once it gained mass popularity, there was a chance I might read it, so I could keep up my end of the convo at the many cocktail parties I attend, but I soon realized something. Everyone and his or her mother was talking about this book. I would hear about it from friends, family members, on the news, on comedy shows, on blogs, even my dogs started to ask me if I ever considered if Jesus had had a kid.

See, at that point I realized I didn’t need to read the damn book, because I’d already had its entire plotline dictated to me from the mass amount of media bombarding me about it on a daily basis.

Due to this, I feel no need to see the movie either, but I wouldn’t resist it kicking and screaming. As anyone who regularly reads this blog could tell you, anything that disputes the teachings of modern-day organized religion is fine by me.

Anyhoo, so although I haven’t read the book, I’ve been able to sit back and smile while religion once again shoots itself in the foot. Why is it that every time some sort of religion-questioning show, book or movie is made, the Christians, etc. come out en masse to protest or try to boycott that work? They do it every time, and they’ve been doing it for centuries, and the result has been the same every time, for centuries: the thing they demand people boycott only increases in popularity.

Think of all the books the church has at some point attempted to ban. Even in places where the religious leaders and the political leaders are the same (*cough* everywhere *cough*), an attempt to ban a book usually leads to a direct spike in its popularity, even if it needs to be distributed via the black market. And in America, where censorship tends to be looked down upon, mass protests by Catholic/Christian organizations usually only succeed in bringing press and popularity to whatever they are trying to sweep under the rug. Mass-book-bannings are rarely successful, so everyone has easy access to the item they’ve just been told they should not have, and so they go out and buy it in droves so they can read it and find out why it’s so bad. Don’t believe me?

• In 1986, a 16-year-old student from Kentucky, who reportedly had a 12-inch stick stuck up his ass, read William Faulkner’s As I Lay Dying and was “offended” by some of the language in the book. He wrote a letter to his school board, who banned it from the school district, despite the fact that NOT A SINGLE MEMBER of the board had actually READ the book. A copy of that book, which had been collecting dust on the county’s library shelf for years, suddenly accrued a waiting list, as did copies of the book in nearby county libraries. Book stores in the area sold out. The book was published in the 1930s, but it was selling out in 1986 because some stuck-up Christian wanted it banned.

• One of the most commonly banned or challenged books today, The Chocolate War, is about a boy who “challenges the universe” by refusing to sell chocolates at his school’s sale. It was banned for sexual content, offensive language, religious viewpoint, being unsuited to age group and violence. So far it has sold more than 100,000 copies, making it one of the 200 most popular paperbacks sold today.

Other books that have been “banned” either nationally or in certain areas of the United States:

Tom Sawyer – Mark Twain (racism)
Huckleberry Finn – Mark Twain (racism)
Macbeth – Shakespeare (adult language)
Hamlet – Shakespeare (adult language)
King Lear – Shakespeare (adult language)
Ulysses – James Joyce (obscenity)
Candide – Voltaire (obscenity)
Canterbury Tales – Chaucer (lewdness)
Leaves of Grass – Walt Whitman (explicit language)
Origin of Species – Darwin (radical thoughts)
Little Red Riding Hood – Grimms brothers (use of alcohol, because Red is bringing “wine and bread” to her grandmother)
The Merchant of Venice – Shakespeare (anti-semitism)

Now, take a gander at that list of books and tell me you haven’t heard of 90% of them, and probably read 50% of them. Guess those protests didn’t go so well, did they?

So you’d think the Christians/Catholics would learn, maybe the 100th time, from their own mistakes, but they never do. You can bet that the next time some sort of anti-religious or explicit book is published, the usual suspects will be out there with their letters to congressmen and appearances on Hannity & Colmes to protest, just like they’ve done with The DaVinci Code.

I see in today’s news that Opus Dei, the sect accused in Dan Brown’s work of FICTION of hiding the conspiracy about the Holy Grail, is angry because Ron Howard refuses to put a disclaimer on his movie saying it is a work of fiction.

I’ve seen quite a few movies in my lifetime, and most of them were fictional. I’d say the vast majority were fictional, actually, since I’m not a documentary frequenter because I’m a normal person. And, I think I can say with great confidence that not a single fictional movie I’ve ever seen has had to tell me it was fictional before I watched it. I’ll admit, there were times while I was watching Lion King that I really believed that talking, animated lions fought skirmish wars with hyenas, but I was soon righted in that belief by the singing wild boar, which I knew to be a fake.

In fact, the only time I’ve seen a disclaimer in a movie is when it was partially or entirely based on real events (i.e. “This film is based on actual events”). So why does Opus Dei feel it needs some sort of special disclaimer that, so far, no other movie has needed to provide? Everyone knows Brown’s book and the movie are fictional, even if they do ask questions about a real-life religion. Does this group think Americans are as stupid as they are?

"A disclaimer could have been a way for Sony to show that the company wants to be fair and respectful in its treatment of Christians and the Catholic Church," Opus Dei's U.S. spokesman Brian Finnerty said on Monday. That’s a polite way of saying, “Sony should treat us differently than every other group in America, because we’re religion and we’re more important than everyone else.” Should Sony put a disclaimer at the beginning of Basic Instinct II: This piece is a work of fiction, and is not in any way supposed to represent what actually happens to women as they age and begin to feel they can no longer score roles in movies as sex symbols. Or, perhaps at the beginning of Spider Man 3: What you are about to see is not real. A man dressed up in blue-and-red spandex will not use webbing that shoots out from his wrists to climb a skyscraper you are dangling from, nor will he use his “spidey-sense” to detect you are being mugged in a dark alleyway somewhere.

And once again, the irony is that Opus Dei’s objection has just garnered the movie more free press. Another news story, another potential person whose interest is now spiked to see the movie and financially support Brown and all the others whose work has brought the book’s ideas to the general population. When will these Christians learn that the best way to “protect” their children from horrors like Shakespeare or Walt Whitman or Dan Brown is to simply not allow their own children to read or see their works? That instead of starting mass protests, perhaps they should sit down with their kids and explain to them why they think the books or movies are wrong or inappropriate. And if a kid has to read or watch something for class, perhaps you could work out something one-on-one with a teacher (an alternate assignment for your kid, perhaps) or even just let your kid read the material, and then talk to them about why you don’t like it or believe in it. You know, educate your kids.

Anyway, I’d like to end this blog with one thought-provoking question for all you out there, that I know many of you have been holding inside, waiting to ask:

“What is up with Tom Hanks’ hair in that movie? Is that a mullet, or what?”

Thanks. Enjoy your Tuesdays.

Just rewards ...

2006-05-05T11:55:00.000-04:00

As I’m sure you all heard, the jury on the Zacarias Moussaoui trial delivered its sentencing recommendation: life in prison. They had been debating whether he should get the death penalty for his role in the 9-11 Al Qaeda attacks, or rot in jail for the rest of his life.

The trial was notorious at face, simply because Moussaoui has been the only one so far to face a trial for his role in the 9-11 attacks. But the proceedings incurred even more press due to the terrorist’s antics. He’d frequently berate his own defense (primarily because they are not Muslim), or go off on tangents about how he’d love to still be free and killing infidel Americans. In other words, he was doing everything possible to incite the anger of the jury and “those watching at home.”

There are two reasons for this I can devise. One, he wanted to make the jury so angry that they would decide to give him the death penalty, and thereby make him a “martyr” for Islam and he could go to heaven and get 65.7 virgins (or whatever number that is) and chill with Allah.

Two, he would want the jury to think he was trying to incite them to give him the death penalty, and make them think he wanted the death penalty, so they purposely would not give him the death penalty, and instead give him life in prison.

If you’ve ever listened to the transcripts of the preceding (no cameras are allowed in the courtroom, so you can’t watch the actual trial), the dude sounds like a total fucking loon. Not that this should be a shocker to anyone, since he’s a freakin Muslim extremist/terrorist, and all those people are fucking loons. Because he’s a loon, I don’t think it’s possible to tell what the dude is thinking or what he wants, but I’m glad the jury gave him the sentence that they did.

To start, I have to lay out there that I don’t believe in the death penalty at all. I think it’s far too costly, and since we don’t know what happens in death, we can’t even be sure we’re punishing these people. Maybe we’re sending them to the greatest party of all time.

Second, in this case I really disagreed with the death penalty, simply because it was possible that Moussaoui wanted to die, and the last thing we want to do is give this man what he desires.

Third, based on a lot of the evidence, it does seem as though Moussaoui did not have much to do with planning 9-11. He was a lowly, brain-washed foot soldier, and we as a country could do ourselves a far greater good by keeping him alive and studying him and how he formed his beliefs (think: guinea pig for psychologists), rather than sticking him with a needle.

Plus, the verdict the jury finally came up with (although three out of nine people did want him to be put to death) also shows the world that America’s justice system does work sometimes. I don’t think there has been a criminal that Americans have hated more than Moussaoui, yet we were able to put our hate aside and judge him fairly. That’s why America rules, and Muslim countries do not. We’re far, far, far from perfect, but we’re miles closer to it than governments run by extremists.

The jurors who did not feel he should be put to death all say it is not because they were afraid of making him a “martyr” or completing his “jihad.” They all said it was because they thought he played “too small a part” in the 9-11 planning to be killed for it. They also cited the fact that he had grown up in a horribly abusive household in France, where his family was also treated “unfairly” because they were Muslim. All this, they feel, bred his ability to be brainwashed and hate. Why he would hate Americans because French people treated him poorly was not explained.

Do I buy this? Not totally. I mean, I’m sure the fact that he may not have been directly related to planning the attacks mitigated the jurors’ decisions not to kill him, but I think their sentencing was largely motivated by not wanting to give the bastard what they thought he wanted: death. Saying this, though, does not sound as “balanced” or “legal,” which is why I think they’re pretending it had to do with the facts of the case. Or maybe I’m just telling myself this, because I refuse to believe that they would deny this guy the death penalty because daddy hit him when he was little.

Anyway, for those of you who think that Moussaoui has been handed a gift on a silver platter, think again. Most likely he is going to ADX Federal Prison in Florence, Colorado, also home to the Unabomber and other lovely folk (it’s basically the worst prison in America). This prison requires that all inmates are in solitary confinement at all times, which means that Moussaoui will not have contact with anyone but prison guards for the rest of his life. He will spend every single day, with the exception of 90 minutes a day, five days a week, confined in a concrete block that only has one very thin window. For those 90 minutes he will be able to walk around in a caged exercise square, by himself. He’ll sleep on a thin mattress on a concrete bed, with a concrete desk and a concrete chair and he can only flush his toilet a few times an hour, and his shower only operates a few minutes a day. He will eat alone, and I can tell you that his meals will not be culinary delights. If he behaves, he’s allowed a television after a few years. It’s black and white, only operates a few hours a day, and only shows religious programming or psychological help tapes. He has a long life ahead of him, and it is a life of extreme boredom and long hours and absolutely no purpose or point or joy or relief. Maybe I’m strange, but I can’t imagine a worse fate.

Kids these days ...

2006-05-03T12:54:00.000-04:00

The funny thing about some people having kids is that they expect that everyone else is going to raise those kids. But, unless you were raped, having that kid was your choice. You chose to bring that person into the world, and so you chose to be responsible for raising that kid.

But, as with many aspects of our society today, parents want to blame their kids behavior or misdeeds on everything but themselves or their kids. It’s TV that’s bad, not my kid. It’s video games that are bad, not my kid. It’s violence in the school that’s bad, not my kid. It’s soda making my kid fat, not my kid. To listen to them, you’d think we were all slaves to the environment around us, and that no counseling from our parents, or internal common sense or morality, could save us.

For one, an article on www.cnn.com today discusses how the state of Massachusetts wants MySpace to increase the age you need to be to join from 14 to 18. Note that the article says this demand comes after a 13-year-old was molested by a 27-year-old man. This, of course, is a terrible thing to have happened. But 13-years-old was not a viable age to have a profile on MySpace. You’re supposed to be 14, minimum.

So where the fuck were the parents? I’m going to guess that this enterprising 13-year-old girl didn’t sneak off to some internet café every day, or create a profile she only accessed at school or her friends’ houses. No, I’m sure she was using MySpace right on her home computer. So why are you letting your 13-year-old girl use the computer without supervision? Why don’t you know she has a MySpace account? Why haven’t you asked to see this account and seen that she was being solicited by pedophiles? Why the fuck haven’t you had a frank, open discussion with her about the danger of pedophiles on the web? You just sent this girl — a child — into the world of the internet unarmed and naïve and when she came out abused, you immediately blamed the creators of the website, as though they invited the 27-year-old pervert to come rape your daughter.

Look, there’s been a lot of bad press for MySpace lately, for exactly this reason. But perhaps parents should be looking at the real issue. The reality is, MySpace exists. It’s popular, it’s successful and it’s here to stay. Even if you stop it, copycats are already crouched and waiting to take its place. It’s a multi-billion dollar industry — they even have their own record label! You can’t stop progress and you can’t stop the internet, and if you can’t stop the internet, you can’t stop some 40-year-old dirt bag from trying to solicit your virginal daughter. The floodgates have opened folks, now grab your raft and start teaching your kids to swim. Instead of trying to make sure MySpace makes your kids safe, how about you make your kids safe. I know you can’t be looking over their shoulders every 5 seconds, but that’s why you talk to your kids and educate them about “bad people” and “sex” and “40-year-olds who live in their mom’s basements.” It’s not foolproof, but neither is the real world, and at some point your kids need to learn to take care of themselves — and you can provide them with the tools to do so.

I’ve also read an article about how soda companies are pulling their non-diet sodas out of the schools. I can’t say this is a bad move, soda is like the Fat Demon ruining America, and the fewer places it shows up, the fewer places fat, disgusting Americans can guzzle it down. But why is it that the soda has to be physically removed from the schools before kids stop drinking it?

As we all know, kids are becoming fatter by the day in this country. They are developing Type-2 diabetes like it’s a clothing trend, and this is the first generation that health officials predict will have a shorter life span than their parents did. And it’s not like this is some crazy, new story. It’s been plastered all over the news everywhere you look. As a parent, there is just no way you’re not aware of the issue of childhood obesity.

So here is what you do. It’s really simple. Stay with me.

• You cook nutritional foods at home.
• You talk to your kids about the importance of good nutrition, and what that means.
• You pack your kids nutritious lunches.
• You let your family be a part of cooking, and explain to your kids while cooking what makes the foods you are making good for you (i.e. This tomato has lycopene, which might prevent cancer, or This spinach is really high in Vitamin C, which helps prevent colds…)

See, you arm your kids with the information they need to make healthy choices, and lo-and-behold they might get to school and say, “I don’t want soda, I want juice.” Instead of just making the soda companies be responsible and just depriving your kids of the opportunity to buy soda, why not teach them to not want to buy soda. Then you don’t have to worry about every time they go somewhere where soda is still being sold. By being a fucking parent, you’ve educated your kids to function in a healthy lifestyle in the REAL world. If your kid is fat and drinking tons of soda, that’s not the fault of Pepsi and that problem will not go away if Pepsi doesn’t sell its products in your kid’s school. The problem is YOU and your kid! If you work on that, the soda issue will take care of itself.

Look, my parents didn’t come with a manual on how to raise me, nor did they do a perfect job. NO ONE DOES. But they were armed with three tools that set me up for success:

1.) They had common sense.
2.) They took an interest in raising me.
3.) They had a sense of personal responsibility.

Why are these things lacking in such a vast majority of parents in this country? I know — it’s those fucking TV sitcoms that are doing it! Let’s go get them banned!

What a gas!

2006-05-02T15:05:00.000-04:00

I hadn’t been touching this issue, mostly because it’s grown so large that it can hardly be contained in a single blog anymore. And by issue I mean gas, and by gas I mean the increasingly unaffordable product we use to power our vehicles.

The gas stations in my area are now at $3 for regular, even at the cheap stations. I drive a mid-sized sedan, and it’s costing me more than $30 a pop to fill my tank. Those dumb saps with their SUVs must be cheering every time the pump reads $75 for filling their tanks.

The first question is, why has gas increased so much in such a short amount of time? Did some hurricane sneak down and rip up our oil pipes? Did we accidentally blow up Iraq? Did Iran accidentally blow itself up when it was testing the nuclear weapons it’s not making? Did some dude from Exxon Mobile suddenly decide his multi-billion dollar profits weren’t enough, and started fishing for more?

The second question is, what is really being done about it? We’ve heard Bush make a few speeches, and the House and Senate are buzzing like disturbed hives, but is anyone out there really devising a solution that will help us — the poor American schmoes — from having to take out a second mortgage to afford our daily commutes? Is there really someone out there to blame for all this mess?

The average cost of gas is 9.2 cents a mile for a commuter, whereas it was 8.2 just a year ago. I commute about 10,000 miles a year (the average is 8,000-12,000 miles), so say GOODBYE to $920, and that is just to get to work and back. Tack on all the other driving we do, and the average consumer can expect to pay more than $1,000 for gas in a year.

The steadily increasing gas prices are the result of many issues coming to head at the same time. For one, our hard-nosed stance on Iran and Hugo Chávez, president of Venezuela, has not made either country very happy with us, and both are major providers of our oil. Although neither has withdrawn any oil resources from us yet (Chávez even gave us extra after Katrina), both have threatened to do so. Because of that, some companies rush to buy contracts that will guarantee them oil supplies, and will out-bid each other. Rising bids = more cost for oil per barrel = more cost for us at the pump.

Combine this with the fact that China and India, which are developing at exceedingly rapid rates, are both demanding more and more oil everyday, and you have the formula needed to see the soaring gas prices the past few weeks.

So far, no one has provided any sort of reasonable solution. At first Republicans wanted to place an extra tax on Big Oil, but the political powerhouse companies effectively shot that down before it even started, and it wasn’t very promising to begin with. It’s called a “windfall” tax and they are very unconstitutional in that “government controlling business” sort of way. Plus, even if they had taken more taxes from Big Oil, there was little guarantee that the average consumer would see that money.

Republicans are now offering the solution of a “gas refund” of $100 to all consumers who make $145,000 or less ($218,000 for a combined family income), but that idea has not played out well with constituents. For one, $100 doesn’t buy much, and for two, it will only help for maybe a month or two, and doesn’t really do anything to solve the issue of the rising costs over the long term.

Dems want to make a “tax holiday” for 60 days. Basically they would lift the tax on gas for two months, so refiners don’t have to pay as much to the government, and therefore can make the pump prices lower. This, of course, is a farce because the lack of funds coming from the taxes would have to come from somewhere else. Where do the Dems propose the lost tax revenue come from? Oh, Big Oil. Sooo…what will probably happen is, Big Oil will charge the refineries more for the gas to make up for the loss they are taking due to the increase in taxes, so the refineries will charge pumping stations the same they always did, only this time because they are paying more for the gas as opposed to paying a lot for the taxes.

Bush has actually had some decent ideas. He wants to raise fuel-efficiency standards for cars, give benefits to people using hybrids, pour more money into finding alternative sources of energy, and lower EPA standards for companies. The first three solutions are great, though they won’t do anything to help consumers in the near future and so politicians keep shooting them down as “ineffective.” The last suggestion about lowering EPA standards is the best one I’ve heard yet: Lower EPA standards, raise pollution and give everyone cancer and lung disease, and then when lots of people die the demand for gas will go down, and the prices will drop!

No one has a real quick-fix solution, but don’t think that the politicians aren’t using every minute of this “crisis” as an opportunity to advance their own careers. Listen to a Dem and you’ll hear how those “Republicans in office don’t give a damn about you.” You’ll hear about how they’re all connected to Big Oil and are lining their pockets with your hard-earned gas money and are doing absolutely nothing of worth in office to help ease your costs. You’ll hear about how Bush has ignored the problem and continues to offer no solutions, and how he and his admin are going easy on Big Oil because he wants to keep getting lots o’ $$$ from them. If you listen to Dems you’ll feel ignored and uncared about by the people you elected to look out for your best interests, and come November, you’ll vote Democrat.

Of course, listen to the Republicans and you’ll hear how the Dems are making this a “political” issue and also aren’t doing anything real to help find a solution.

Listen to them both and your head might explode.

See, here’s the thing, and here’s why neither party can find a quick solution. Because there IS no quick solution.

Here’s the problem with oil: We’re too dependent on it. We make up 4% of the human population in America, yet we use 25% of its oil supply. For many years that hasn’t been an issue, because while we had all our fancy flying cars, the rest of the world was still living in the Dark Ages and using a bidet. But all of a sudden other huge countries are waking up to the joys of modernity, and there’s not enough oil to go around. Earth to America: We can’t stop the progress of the world. At some point, even those backward Easterners were bound to catch up (I mean, Jesus Christ, they’d spent most of human civilization way ahead of the race), but no plan had been in place, or was even being developed, for when China or India or even Africa started making oil demands that rivaled our own.

Couple that with America’s OBSESSION with supersize. How many SUVs are on our roads? Millions. Millions and millions of gas-guzzling 6- and 8-cylinder road monsters grace our streets everyday, and most of them are driven by middle-class mommies who never use them for anything more than going to the supermarket. They buy them because they are “cool” and because they are “safer” (safer for you maybe, but for me down here in my mid-sized, you’re a death machine) and because they are “convenient” and they forget that 50 years ago we all lived perfectly mobile lives without needing 6.8 square feet of cargo space in the trunk. If no one bought them, they’d stop being cool, and if everyone drove a smaller car, an SUV would no longer make you safer, because everyone would already be more safe. Europe has gotten along just fine without giant gas-guzzling cars, I don’t understand why Americans can’t. Maybe the sky rocketing gas prices will finally make these assholes realize that smaller is better.

This is also just the catalyst I guess we needed to really start investing in alternative sources of energy. None of this hippie solar-energy bullshit. Like real resources for real energy that real people can use. We all know that burning oil is polluting the fuck out of our planet, but because it wasn’t immediately killing all of us, we ignored it. We all knew that gas prices were always increasing at far faster rates than inflation, but until they began to skyrocket we ignored it. There’s no more time for ignoring it. So if the politicians could take a day or two off from playing their blame game and wooing us into different voting patterns, maybe they could concentrate their time and efforts and speeches into channeling reality. Come out and say, “There is no quick fix, but we’re now putting real money and real manpower behind a long-term solution” and then DO it. Actually INFORM the American people about how and why this happened, instead of blaming your political opponent, and then offer a TRUE solution. It may be difficult for some Americans to hear that their own gross excesses caused this problem, and that might not bode well for you come voting time, but put the greater good of the goddamn country above your approval ratings for once, and actually do your jobs. It’s what we pay you to do, even if most of us forget that half the time.

Ooo-woah, say can yooooouuuu SPEAK FUCKING ENGLISH?

2006-04-28T13:32:00.000-04:00

Here is a “fact” that crazy liberals will always try to use in the argument about immigration:

“America was built by immigrants.”

This is a stupid statement.

The original settlers were not immigrants. They were fucking settlers. There was nothing fucking here before they came, other than some wild folk and a lot of trees. Oh, and a couple hundred thousand bison, but we took care of those hairy motherfuckers real fast.

I mean, I guess if you’re going to have a big semantics debate, and you’re going to look at the “true” definition of “immigration,” the settlers were “immigrants” because they emigrated from one place and settled in another. But they are not immigrants in the commonsense definition of an immigrant, which is someone coming from one settled country to another settled country. I mean, if you want to get into a big semantics debate, the American fucking Indians were immigrants, because they came over from Asia. Actually, everyone who was not born in northern Africa is descended from an immigrant, because that’s where we believe the original “humans” came from, and this is the starting point for human civilization (I realize this is not a proven theory, and that there is possibly evidence to the contrary, but just go with it). So, if you want to be a moron liberal, than just accept the fact that your definition defines every single person on this planet, other than maybe a few hundred thousand, as an “immigrant” which makes your definition useless, which makes you useless and you should kill yourself.

*Breathes*

But was America “built by immigrants”? I guess that is partially true. A lot of Asian immigrants built our railways in the Mid-West, and we have the Italians to thank for lots of our pretty architecture and bridges on the East Coast. The Irish probably built something, although I’m not sure about that one. And the blacks did more to develop this country than many other races combined, though they were less “immigrants” than they were “slaves,” but let’s not get caught up in definitions again.

But there was something that all these immigrants had in common.

THEY WERE FUCKING LEGAL.

Whether they came in on the West Coast, like most of our Asian friends, or they came in through Ellis Island, like most of our European friends, they all were REGISTERED and took EXAMS and tried to learn the LANGUAGE to become LEGAL U.S. CITIZENS.

I’m not stupid, I know a lot of immigrants snuck in here, even back then, but you didn’t have 11 fucking million Russians “sneaking into” America via boat. You didn’t have 11 million Spanish dudes trying to “cross the border.” And this country really wouldn’t care if a few thousand refugees a year were sneaking in. But 11 million sort of makes an impact, and something needs to be done about them, and the thousands more pouring in everyday.

Now, someone argued to me that we should just leave those illegals alone, that we couldn’t be what we are today without those 11 million being in the workforce. That our economy would collapse if we suddenly rid ourselves of them.

Those poor immigrants slave through terrible jobs for little money to make products that we eat and consume and wear everyday. This may be true, but it’s NOT an argument that makes those 11 million immigrants ok to be here.

I mean, for one, that’s like arguing that slavery was essential to the economy and that our country would fall apart without it and that I’m a hypocrite because I’m wearing a cotton shirt that was made using cotton picked from some slave.

Gee, that’s funny, because that was actually the exact argument the South used to justify slavery! Not only is that STILL unethical, but it was untrue — our country had some rocky times when slavery was abolished, but we not only survived, we excelled. And I think even the most bitter black person would agree that his or her people are a fuckload better off being considered “people” and having “rights” as opposed to being considered “property” and not having “rights.” I feel like “illegal immigrants” might benefit from the same sort of shift. Step 1: Stop being illegal, Step 2: Get rights, Step 3: Stop being shit on. See, it works out for everyone!

So how do we go about this process? Well, for one, is Juan San Illegal has been working in this country for 5 to 20 years, just give him his fucking citizenship. I mean, let’s not be assholes. If he’s behaved like a decent human being, and, better yet, actually showed some work ethic (a thing many Americans could use), why the fuck would we not want him in our country? I understand this has implications for things like Social Security (since the illegals would suddenly become eligible), and lots of farms where these workers labor for next-to-nothing. But the farms will survive (they did when the slaves left) and maybe the extra burden on Social Security will be just the kick in the ass Republicans needs to find a REAL solution to the problem, instead of just complaining about it.

Next, if Juan San Illegal has been here fewer than 5 years, why not make him have to pass the Citizenship test? If he wants to stay here, he has to learn the language and the history and then he can stay. If he doesn’t pass, he doesn’t give a shit and he can go the fuck back home to his cactus.

If Juan San Illegal committed any felonies while here, send him the fuck home.

IT’S NOT THAT HARD! I don’t see what the big fucking debate is!

And while we’re doing all this, maybe we’d like to pay a wee bit more attention to our borders (a fence would be nice, in some areas) so that we don’t have to keep weeding through a million more illegal people each year.

Anyway, so what got me started on today’s rant is this lovely new version of the Star Spangled Banner that music producer Adam Kidron is producing.

What’s so nifty about this version of our National Anthem?

He’s making it IN SPANISH.

I’m sorry, but did I die and wake up in hell? I mean, Mexico? No? This is still America? SO WHY THE FUCK WOULD WE HAVE A NATIONAL ANTHEM IN SPANISH?!!?!?!

If you want to be an asshole and say, “Illegal immigrants are nifty, I love them, you should love them, too! Leave them alone!” then fine. Be like that. You’re an asshole, and you’re putting the people you claim to “love” in a worse position by denying them the rights they would get as legal citizens, but that’s your choice. And that doesn’t mean you can turn this country into Little Mexico.

Because, for one, this isn’t Little Mexico. Even at 11 million, immigrants are not the majority. Heck, they barely outnumber the population of New Jersey (8 million). And Spanish is not the national language here, English is. And English is the national language because that is what the MAJORITY of people here speak and it’s best to speak what the MAJORITY of the people in the country you live in speak because then you can COMMUNICATE with the people you live with and FUNCTION in society.

There is a lot of bad about America, but there is also a great, heaping pile of good. That is why so many people live here and want to live here and prosper while living here. That is why our country is rich, and that is why it is so egotistical and thinks it can tell everyone what to do.

And part of what makes it great is that a lot of different people came here, settled, raised families and worked hard to improve the place where they lived. They formed communities and prospered. But even though they came from many different places — France, Germany, Italy, Poland, Russia, Ireland, China, Japan, East Bumblefuck, etc. — they all assimilated. It sounds like some evil process, like the U.S. took away their identities, but that’s not what it was about at all. It was about stripping the bad parts of the old national identities that they left behind and taking the good parts and mixing them together to made a new identity. An American identity. The American identity is what makes America a good country. It’s that American dream and those varied beliefs that create the modicum of positive that this country produces. It’s about how you can have a fiery Italian temper while sporting ridiculous Irish freckles, and you can have the work ethic of a Japanese math student combined with the free spirit of a Brazilian. (Stereotypes are fun) And part of getting that was all agreeing to speak one fucking language, and that language happened to be English.

Mexicans are fine people, and so are the Spanish. But I don’t feel a need to celebrate them here. I mean, if I had Spanish or Mexican ancestors, I may still want to do some of their fun traditions or speak the language at home (Hablo espanole?) because some aspects of the Spanish and Mexican identities went into creating the American identity, and celebrating some of those national traditions is a part of that (like how everyone celebrates St. Patricks Day, or Cinco De Mayo, regardless of their heritage). But the National Anthem is just that — The National Anthem, and as a nation we are NOT Spanish or Mexican or Chinese or Japanese or French or Italian or Bumblefuckian. We’re American. And we speak English. So if you want to celebrate what it means to BE American, then you sing the anthem in English, and that’s just the way it is.

Flippity-floppity boo

2006-04-25T15:27:00.000-04:00

You know what’s great about entities that hold great power? They can just change the rules on you at any time, and no one can really say too much about it.

Like, for instance, the Catholic church. No institute has been more wrong for more time than the Catholic church. Like its whole “the world is flat” and “we are the center of the universe” and “angels surround the Earth and help it to rotate” theories that it taught as factual doctrine.

Whoops!

And don’t think they listened to the great scientists of the time and heard their obvious, logical reasoning and said, “Gee, science is great. Look at all these neat-o things we are learning, like gravity and that the sun is the center of our galaxy, which is just one of many ba-jillion trajillion galaxies throughout our ever-expanding universe. Isn’t it nice that we can advance from the dark ages of these cute, allegorical religious stories and really learn how the world works?”

Ask Socrates or Galileo what they though about the church’s open-minded views on scientific thought, and its willingness to admit error.

The church has had to “amend” many things over the years. Like the whole “buy a ticket to heaven” deal and the “Pope is a blood-thirsty war monger” image. Catholics, frankly, are used to these shifts by now. It doesn’t matter to them that grand changes in the beliefs, practices and theories of their church just glaringly call to light that the entire fucking religion is a farce based on fictional beliefs and lies; they keep trucking to church every Sunday so they can feel like their souls are superior.

And here is the latest shift: The Vatican is considering promoting condoms as a “lesser evil” in the battle against AIDS. Basically, although it still wants to take the stance that “abstinence is the way to go,” if you have AIDS and really wanna fuck, choose a condom over sharing your HIV juice with your spouse.

That’s really funny, because for my entire life, I thought that the “religious” view on condoms was that they were evil and promoted “fornication” and “fucking in the bushes” and that god only wanted men and women who were married and over the age of 30 to have sex, and then only with the sole purpose of procreation and that having an orgasm meant that you had accepted the Word of the Devil.

But now that some little virus is ravaging countries like Africa, condoms are deemed “acceptable!” by god? Did the Pope get a personal fucking memo stating this? Because if so, I’d like to see it. And if not, how the fuck am I supposed to judge if it’s really “god’s will” or not? The Pope and those Vatican fools of his don’t really know any better than you or me. But you can bet that Catholics throughout the world will say to their spouses, “Gee, willifers Gertie, God wants us to stop spreadin’ the HIV, so I’d better go out and rustle us up some Trojans!"

And, call me crazy, but I didn’t think that HIV or AIDS was a man-made disease (wow, for once, something we didn’t fuck up with!). This means it mutated and spontaneously formed in nature (Gee, Gertie, you mean the same way all the other fucking creatures on this planet were created? No Billy, we all came from Adam and Eve — remember. Well, you came from Adam. I came from a rib.) And if you’re Catholic, this means that GOD created AIDS, because GOD creates LIFE and viruses are ALIVE. So if god created AIDS, then that means he wants us to have AIDS and he’ll be even MORE angry if you cloak the banana to stop it from spreading.

Anyway, my point is, the Catholic church always waits until 50 years past the breaking point (or, like with Copernicus, hundreds of years) to admit an error and change its ways. The fact that modern science and discovery forces it to change its “iron-clad” beliefs is just point No. 1 that the things your church tells you are full of shit and don’t matter, because they can change at any moment and aren’t based on any facts whatsoever. The fact that it takes them so long to make these changes is point No. 2 that the things your church tells you are full of shit, because anyone knows that the first thing a liar who has been caught is going to do is stall.

Of course, there are still some folks at the Vatican who don’t want to change its stance. To them, the church’s stance that “abstinence is best” has been highly effective and should continue. And I have to agree! To end, here are some statistics to show just how effective the teaching of abstinence has thus far been for the church …

The following was provided by www.avert.org and is based on 2005 statistics:

• More than 25 million people have died of AIDS since 1981

• Africa has 12 million AIDS orphans.

• By December 2005 women accounted for 46% of all adults living with HIV worldwide, and for 57% in sub-Saharan Africa.

• Young people (15-24 years old) account for half of all new HIV infections worldwide - more than 6,000 become infected with HIV every day. (That abstinence-only sex ed in the schools is DOING ITS JOB!)

And here is a nice article showing how abstinence-only education was shown to increase sexual activity amongst kids in high school: Click me.

I am serious. And don't call me Suri!

2006-04-19T16:12:00.000-04:00

Just a quickie blog today, because I was making comments in my head while reading this story and laughing at myself, so I thought I’d share my genius. I do this because I am modest and have a love for sharing.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes finally had their baby. No word on whether they did the whole Scientology “silent birth” thing or not. For those of you not up on your Scientology, it’s a belief of that mental illness that a baby can be emotionally harmed from the groans of pain a mother expels during childbirth. Therefore, Scientologist mums must remain quiet during childbirth to spare the newborn from this traumatic experience that has permanently effected the lives on many of the six billion people on Earth today who were born to mothers screaming in agony and demanding the testicles of the men who “did this to them.” Oh, and they’re not allowed anesthesia, either. Isn’t that just a kick in the ass?

It was also reported in GQ magazine that Tom was going to “eat the placenta” after the birth. I’m not sure if this is a Scientology practice, or just another way Tom is trying to tell us all that he’s really, truly a psychopathic alien being. No word yet on whether the placenta was consumed, but I’ll stay glued to the Entertainment News until I hear. Promise.

Anyhoo, the name chosen was “Suri.” I think it’s nice that Tom and Katie are apologizing to their baby already. Like, “Suri, little girl, that you had to be born to a bunch of vapid-minded crazyfucks. By the way, it’s time to pray for the destruction of Xenu.”

Actually, when you say the entire name together, Suri Cruise, it sounds like Syracuse, as in the university. I say fuck that. Who the fuck wants to be named after a college whose mascot is AN ORANGE? Or is it “The Orange”? Or just the color orange? Who the fuck knows. What I do know is, Syracuse sucks and everyone who goes there kills themselves because it snows a lot.

In a twist of fate, Brooke Shields also gave birth to her baby on the same day, who is named Grier (pronounced like Gruyer? Like the cheese? Maybe they could serve her with Apple). Why does this matter? Because Cruise and Shields had some little celebri-battle going on a few months ago, when Cruise publicly denounced Shields for taking anti-depressants after giving birth to her first kid. Remember, according to Cruise, who has studied medical sciences since he was beamed here from his home planet, GLIB, psychiatry is a “pseudo-science” and psychology drugs are bad. Believing that the world was formed after some intergalactic madman strapped all people to volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs? That is good.

Anyway, the insane coincidence that Shields and Cruise would have their babies on the same day leads me to only one conclusion. This is the fucking end of the world. Suri Cruise is the anti-christ, and Grier is the second coming, and they’re going to battle it out and try to claim all our evil, little thetans.

When's the next flight to Canada?

2006-04-18T15:49:00.000-04:00

To start this one off, allow me to say, “Holy Fucking Shit.”

Ok, now that that’s over, we can begin.

Today I was sort of putzing around at my office. I wasn’t in the mood to “work” so I’d been cleaning things that didn’t need cleaning, and playing some games online. The usual.

I innocently ventured over to CNN mid-afternoon, not really expecting to read anything of much worth. It’s a Tuesday. Nothing ever happens on a Tuesday. Ok, so 9/11 happened on a Tuesday, but somewhere in the world, I’m sure it was still a Monday.

And then I see it. The gigantic image of our President, looking, as usual, like a turd with down syndrome, with the headline above it screaming, “I am the decider!”

I had one of those moments where you question your own reality. Like when you’re having a vivid dream and suddenly wake up, and you’re not sure what’s more real, the dream or the guy farting in bed next to you. The rancid smell usually gives it away, and today this country is reeking.

Had I entered some alternate reality where Bush had stopped pretending to be a Democratic leader while acting like a dictator and had just officially announced himself as a dictator? I mean, what had happened to all the fleecing of Mid-Westerners, the happy “We love freedom” PR bullshit, the speeches delivered via Bush’s press secretary that contained about as much truth as Saddam Hussein’s trial defense? Had his speech team even tried to make what he said look balanced?

So, the story is basically about Bush’s reaction to all this nonsense that’s been surrounding Donnie Rumsfeldinator the past week or so. If you haven’t heard, some former military generals came out last week as saying Donnie should resign due to his botched handling of the War in Iraq. According to them, he was duly warned that “post-war” Iraq would be difficult to manage and would require many, many soldiers and many, many years. Donnie said, “Ah fuck dat!” and did what he wanted and now our boys & girls are over there, understaffed, underfunded and undersupported, all while getting shot at by insurgents. Anyone who, say, lives in this dimension already knew this to be the way of things, but apparently it took these retired generals to really stir the pot for the media and the retarded fucks living in the red states and get them to say, “Gee … maybe someone is to blame for all those folks dyin’!”

So Bush took a break from his 108th vacation day since the new year to let us all know what he thinks about the statements made by the retired generals, and what a heck of a job ol’ Brownie — excuse me, Rumsey — is doing these days.

First he pointed out that in America, it’s neither polite nor acceptable to criticize your leaders:

"And on Friday I stood up and said, 'I don't appreciate the speculation about Don Rumsfeld; he's doing a fine job; I strongly support him,'" Bush said.

That’s right — we need to put a stop to this speculation about Donnie RIGHT NOW. What’s next? A fucking free press? What do you think this is, Cuba? Look, President Bush thinks Donnie is doing “a fine job.” He supports him. That’s all you need to know. Afterall, when Bush remarks that someone is doing “a fine job,” he always makes sure he’s going to be able to stand by that statement in the long run. Or, at least for 10 days.

But wait, it gets better. Bush goes on to say:

"I listen to all voices, but mine is the final decision," he said. "And Don Rumsfeld is doing a fine job. He's not only transforming the military, he's fighting a war on terror. He's helping us fight a war on terror. I have strong confidence in Don Rumsfeld.”

It’s good to know that Bush has such confidence in his team, after all, a lot of time and thought goes into choosing the members of his administration. That’s how people like Michael Brown got cushy jobs like FEMA director, and that’s how people like the guy who thinks duct tape will save us from terrorists got to replace him. That’s how people like Harriet Miers got nominated for the Supreme Court.

"I hear the voices, and I read the front page, and I know the speculation. But I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the secretary of defense."

Sorry, I should have warned you before posting that. It almost made me pass out, as well.

Look, there’s no more (my favorite term) pussy-footing around this issue. Bush is blatantly telling the American people that he doesn’t give a flying horse fuck about what we think or need. Doesn’t care. Not an issue. HE is the decider. HE decides what is best for us. HE is in charge and HE will do what he wants, regardless of what WE think, say or feel. If you still entertained the thoughts that we live in a completely free and democratic nation, you’ve now been faced with the reality that we don’t. And it’s because of a man we freely elected into office.

You all thought Bush was going lame-duck on your asses. Oh no. Oh no, no, no. He’s not ready to let us out of his clutches just yet. Not with a record-low approval rating slapping him in the face each day. “You no likey me? I wire-tap your phone!”

So, once again, thank you red states. And thank you, especially, swing states. You know who I’m talking about. Good going, Florida. Next time, maybe we should just “disenfranchise” your whole fucking state.

People who need hobbies, and the cats who love them

2006-04-17T12:38:00.000-04:00

If you live in the New York/Metro area (and even if you don’t) and pay even remote attention to the news, then you’re now well acquainted with Molly the cat.

You’re well acquainted with her because she’s been on every fucking news outlet, non-stop, for about 5 days now. Why? Because Molly went and got herself stuck between the walls of two stores in The Village in New York City.

Molly, a black cat, had lived in the Myers of Keswick English-style deli for a few months as a mouse-catcher, when she lost herself in a maze of pipes and wires between the walls of her deli and the store next door. Rescuers tried removing bricks, drilling holes, and luring her out with food and even the cries of newborn kittens.

Despite all this, the cat refused to come out for two weeks.

This is really not a very interesting story. In fact, it’s a very stupid story, because if you’re so goddamn stupid of a cat that you get yourself lost in a WALL and refuse to come out, then you deserve to die a long, horrible death from dehydration. Remember kids, god helps those who help themselves!

What annoys me to no end about this story is the ridiculous outpouring it inspired from “animal lovers” near and far. There were women standing outside the deli crying out of fear that the cat was suffering. One woman, interviewed on the television news, said she “hadn’t slept since she heard the news.” A “pet therapist” showed up and claimed that the cat sent her “vibes” telling her that the reason she refused to come out was because there were too many people standing around outside the store.

You know what? I don’t get any cat vibes, but I don’t need them to understand that 47,000 people standing outside the little hole in the wall that the cat originally crawled through is, uhhh… GOING TO SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF THE CAT! What the cat doesn’t need, in order to be inspired to emerge from her happy place in the wall, is your asshole self standing there and sobbing. I’m not really sure what the cat needed, but I know what you needed if this story brought you to tears — a mother fucking punch in the face.

I mean, I’m all for empathy and everything, but if you’re losing sleep because ONE black cat went and got HERSELF stuck in a wall, you need some sort of pill or a lobotomy. You want to do something nice for a cat, why don’t you go out and rescue one of the eleventy-billion or so who are scraping together dinner in the dumpster behind your apartment? Or maybe you could help volunteer at one of the animal shelters that houses, medicates and finds homes for the bajillion homeless cats in your city. Or maybe you could educate all the stupid fucks who don’t spay or neuter their cats because they think it’s “unnatural” or “cruel” and their cats have hundreds of little baby cats who become more sad, homeless cats. I mean, there are literally thousands of animals (not just cats) roaming New York City at this moment whose lives are pretty shitty, and they didn’t even do anything as stupid as crawl into a wall and refuse to come out. These animals deserve some empathy. Molly barely qualifies.

Part of me was hoping Molly would kick it, not just because she’s a really stupid cat, but also because I’d be glad if just a few of the people who spent hours crying outside her wall killed themselves when they heard the news. Alas, Molly finally emerged unscathed, other than being a bit hungry and dehydrated. I’m sure the deli where she mouse-hunts will be raking in the dough from Molly-seekers for weeks to come. That owner is one lucky fucking bastard. He picks the world’s stupidest cat as his pet, and a few months later he’s living easy. Excuse me while I go lure my dog down an old, abandoned well and hope for the best …

Merry Eostre and a Happy New Yule!

2006-04-14T13:40:00.000-04:00

One of my favorite holidays is coming up on Sunday. For all those crazy Jews out there, I mean Easter and, unlike Passover, that has nothing at all to do with eating un-leavened bread. Although if you wanted to eat un-leavened bread on Easter you could, because Jesus doesn’t mind. It’s good with jam on top.

Easter is my favorite holiday for one reason and one reason only: Cadbury Creme Eggs. Not the chocolate crème ones, not the caramel ones, just the regular, old Cadbury Creme Eggs. I also like Peeps, but they have to be left out to get stale, or they’re gross. Any Peep eater knows this.

Everything else about Easter sucks.

I was raised in a non-religious family, so growing up I had never heard of “Lent” or “Good Friday” and I honestly had no idea that Easter had any religious affiliation. I thought it was all about some giant bunny who left you eggs to find. Kids don’t question much.

When I was in high school I finally discovered why we “celebrated” Easter. One year, when I was curious about religion, I decided that I, too, would be a good Christian and give something up for Lent. I chose pickles, because they’re one of my favorite things to eat. So for the 40 days prior to Easter, I didn’t eat any pickles. I cheated once, and had a pickle-on-a-stick, but that was okay because I’d only given up pickles and not pickles-on-a-stick. When Easter came, my mom bought me a giant jar of pickles instead of a chocolate bunny.

Those 40 days of picklelessness taught me something very important. That “sacrificing” something in the name of Jesus didn’t do shit for me. Maybe my blood pressure thanked me, but otherwise I didn’t receive a sign either way that god acknowledged my suffering out of respect for his “only son.” As far as I could tell, god didn’t give a flying fuck about my pickle consumption. Maybe he was peeved about my little pickle-on-a-stick discretion. I’ll never know. All I do know is that Lent is stupid.

Here’s what’s even more stupid: not eating meat on Fridays. Before I reveal the “true” reason why Christians do this, let me just ask you a question. Do you really believe that god would be upset with you, or that you might be denied entrance to heaven, because you ate a piece of chicken on Friday night? I mean … really think about this one. First of all, how do you even know if it’s actually Friday. Our calendar is always shifting a bit, due to fluctuations in the Earth’s rotation. What you thought was a safe, late-Thursday night chili binge might actually have been an early-morning Friday blasphemy. Would god be pissed at you for that? Why would god or Jesus care what you ate on Friday? How would they even keep tabs of such a ridiculous, innocuous event? If god is sitting up in heaven, writing down a list of all Friday-during-Lent-meat-eaters instead of, say, looking into ways to stop bird flu plagues from ravaging the world’s population, I think I would be a little pissed. And if heaven is so strict that one night of steak instead of pasta means I can’t go there, then I think I’m better off just going to hell to begin with, because I’ll never make it in heaven anyway. Who would?

Now, Christians (and especially Catholics) will tell you that the reason you give up meat on Fridays during Lent (many Catholics actually do meatless Fridays all year, it wasn’t until 1966 that Pope Paul VI reduced the Friday-no-meat period to just Lent, although you’re still supposed to “give penance” on all Fridays, which many do by abstaining from meat) is as a sacrifice and to “help you renew your relationship with god” by denying yourself an “earthly pleasure.” First of all — meat? … uhhh….Not that much of a “pleasure.” I mean, I like it and all, but it’s not like a night of pasta is a great sacrifice for me. I fucking love pasta. I’ve also heard that eating meat on Fridays is a “mortal sin” — meaning my soul dies a little each time I take a bite o’ burger on a Friday. Maybe that explains why I no longer seem to have any conscience and a demon named “Zuul” keeps trying to possess me. *Shrugs* Good Friday, especially, is a day for “penance,” because this is apparently when Jesus was crucified on the cross. There are enumerable inconsistencies with this, including how he was “crucified” and when he actually died (not on Good Friday), but that’s enough for another blog.

Now is the fun part. For one, the Bible says that Christians should “fast” or “give penance” twice a week — on Fridays and Wednesdays. But, over the years this practice, as many with many ancient Christian practices, became unpopular, so to keep the sheep interested, the Church dropped the “fast on Wednesday” message (except for Ash Wednesday). I love this. I mean, if Jesus said to fast for two days, and you’re so concerned with following his teachings, then you should fast for two days, right? I mean, isn’t that the “rules”? Didn’t god tell the writers of the Bible what to say, isn’t it “god’s word”? Doesn’t that mean you have to do ALL of what it says? I mean, if we’re just going to pick and choose passages to follow and disregard, how are we ever supposed to understand what god wants us to do? People are just so unaware of how hypocritical the church is. It will lie and completely disregard sectors of its own teachings simply to keep the masses coming and continue bringing in the cash and mind control. “IF YOU EAT MEAT ON WEDNESDAY OR FRIDAY, YOU WILL BURN IN THE FIERY PITS OF HELL FOR ETERNITY … Oh, two days of penance a week is too hard? Well, we’ll just make it one. BUT IF YOU EAT MEAT ON THAT ONE YOU WILL BURN IN THE FIERY PITS OF HELL FOR ETERNITY.” Give me a break.

All right, so then “Good” Friday is over (Good Friday is pretty shitty, in my opinion, and should be renamed to Craptacular Friday) and you’ve got…Meaningless Saturday. So, we’ll skip over that and move to Easter Sunday.

Now, Christians teach you that we “celebrate” Easter to commemorate when Jesus rose from the dead, moved a really big rock and flew into the sky to go chill with his dad. Again, even if this had happened, no evidence shows that it happened when we celebrate Easter. The Bible passages that refer to the “resurrection” never mention what time of the year it was when Jesus was crucified, all they really care about is how many days took place between his death and when Mary discovered his empty tomb. So why celebrate it when we do?

Pagans believed in a Goddess named Eostre (a.k.a. Eastre), who was (more or less) the “Mother of the World.” Anglo-saxons would celebrate her each year around the spring equinox. This made logical sense, since spring is when people view the world as “coming back to life,” which would make a nice time to celebrate the chick who created it all. Can you guess what people commonly gave each other to celebrate this holiday? Rabbits and eggs! So if you’re wondering where the “Easter bunny” and his basket of eggs came from, now you know. Anyhoo, so when Christianity was trying to gain popularity, its leaders said, “Hey, those heathen Anglo-saxons might swallow our brain-washing a little better if we provide them with a holiday that takes place during the same time as one of theirs does.” They did much the same thing with Christmas (a.k.a. Yule). Even the stories surrounded Jesus have links to Pagan origins, as they had a god named Attis who was “born of a virgin” and “died and was resurrected each year.” The Pagans and the Christians actually used to fight on Easter about who it was they were celebrating. Eventually, Christianity won out, Paganism all but disappeared, and we had wonderful results, like the Crusades and Puritanism.

And so it came to be that we celebrate “Easter” around the time of the spring equinox (the exact date is determined each year according to the lunar cycle, the days of Lent, and, I believe, a flying pig). I’m not really all that bothered by the holiday, as long as all the stupid religious folk stay out of my way with their ugly dresses and hats and special ham dinners. I’ll be satisfied this year to just celebrate spring and the end of another bitter New Jersey winter. Bring on the chocolate bunnies!

A rock and a hard place

2006-04-13T12:02:00.000-04:00

Well, in a move that no one is shocked by, the U.S. has gone and mired itself in a fine mess once again.

It’s to the point now where if we weren’t constantly mired in the mountains of our own, self-made shit, that I don’t think we’d know what to do with ourselves. We’d be like those retired people who go insane and kill their spouses and then hang themselves just to escape the pervading boredom.

Of course, I’m talking about Iran and the magnificent shit pile it and our previous inaction have produced.

For those unaware, let me give you an update on what’s happened since you emerged from your underground bunker. Iran announced a few weeks ago that it had enriched some centrifuges of uranium, and wanted to start enriching more in order to make nuclear power plants. Iran, a major oil exporter, figures if it can power its own country with nuclear energy, that will free up even more oil for Westerners, the Chinese and Russia to spend their money on.

The international community was nonplussed about this decision, namely because Iran had not gotten the U.N. or the International Atomic Energy Agency’s ok to start enriching uranium, and because we all (logically) fear that anything with the potential to make a deadly weapon in a country full of not-typically level-headed, often uneducated, extremist freakazoids is a bad idea. To us the idea of Iran having a nuclear weapon is as unthinkable as another of our great enemies having a nuclear weapon, such as North Korea. Luckily for us, that hasn’t happened yet. I mean, if it had, I’m sure the international community would be making a big deal about that, too…

Anyhoo, see here’s the problem. A few years ago President Bush revealed a great piece of wisdom to the American people. It was that three countries: North Korea, Iraq and IRAN formed “The Axis of Evil.” This meant that these three specific countries were unofficial “enemies” — both to the United States and “lovers of democracy everywhere.” What genius! And what did labeling these Evil Axes mean? I guess that we, as a country, should do absolutely nothing about two of them and attack the shit out of one — the only one, apparently, that did NOT have any nuclear powers. Instead, we’ll just sit around and wait for those other two to start making problems.

Gee, Ms. Maas, are you implying that if we had invaded Iran instead of Iraq we could have prevented Iran from enriching uranium at all? Well, yes Timmy, I am. Not that I’m all for having invaded Iran a few years ago, since that would have been equally as stupid as invading Iraq at the time. But, had we NOT wasted all our efforts on Iraq, we sure as hell would be in a better military position to handle Iran right now. We also may have had more intelligence to dedicate to studying Iran long before they announced they’d enriched uranium (i.e. we could have prevented the uranium from entering the country, or set up some sort of “agreement” about helping Iran develop energy as long as they did not develop weapons — Iran would have been much more willing to strike such a deal if they still needed uranium and hadn’t already procured it). But Bush was so goddamn busy on his Crusade, that nothing was done.

And now here’s the situation, and I’d like you to view it from the point of view of an Iranian for a second. You’re an Iranian, so as a function of your own culture, you tend to mistrust and resent the Western world. From your point of view, Westerners hoard all the money’s wealth and spit upon you. They don’t respect you or care about your welfare, and they wish to invade and dominate your country. Certainly this is what you’re taught from a young age, and certainly this is easily what you see Westerners doing in, say, Iraq (from your skewed perspective). You love your country (it’s all you’ve ever known) and love your people and want to see them succeed. So you’re overjoyed when you hear that your government is making steps to join the modern world, and is funding a newer, cleaner and more efficient energy system that will hopefully bring more wealth to Iran and its people. But — uh oh — just as you expected, the second that your country tries to take a step toward advancement, the Western world is there trying to hold you back. Who the fuck do they think they are? The fucking United States has been producing nuclear energy for DECADES. So have many of the other countries getting all rankled at the U.N. Why the fuck should THEY be allowed to have nuclear energy, and you not? Who the fuck are THEY to tell us what Iran can and cannot do?

See, that’s the way I’d see it if I were an Iranian, especially since, I can guarantee you, that is how their government is making them see it.

So here’s what we’ve done. We realized, years ago, that Iran posed a threat. But we sat on our hands and did NOTHING. We waited until they’d already imported and developed uranium before causing a stink, and now we’re making it look like we want to prevent the Iranian people from advancing their energy systems. To them, it’s not about fear of nuclear weapons. To them it’s the Western world trying to keep the poor man down, and that is going to breed even more hatred.

Just what we need, more hatred for Americans in Iran! Good job, Bush! Now we’re firmly wedged between a rock and a gigantic, hard piece of feces. We can’t just let Iran run loose and potentially create nukes, and we also can’t just go in there and demand they stop. Great job handling yet another international fucking debacle. Does anyone have plans for an nice, underground bomb shelter?

Do I Look Fat in This?

2006-04-11T12:13:00.000-04:00

Today’s story just put me right in the mood for a good blog. That’s because it’s on my favorite topic to get pissed off about — fat people. We all know how much I hate people.

A recent study has shown that only 15 percent of people who are obese actually realize they are obese.

Fifteen percent!!!!

For those of you not clear on the issue, I’ll go into some detail.

You see, these days people are so fat that we now have classifications to determine just how fat you are. You’re either underweight, normal, overweight, obese, morbidly obese or SUPER morbidly obese. Notice how many more specifications there are for being too fat as opposed to being too thin.

The determination for your classification can be figured out two ways. One is to find out the “normal weight range” for someone of your height. If you are less than the normal range, you are underweight; if you are within that range, you are normal; if you are over the range by fewer than 50 lbs., you are overweight; if you are over the range by more than 50 but fewer than 100 pounds, you are obese; if you are over the range by more than 100 lbs. but fewer than 200, you are morbidly obese; and if you are over the range by more than 200 you are SUPER morbidly obese.

You can also determine your classification through figuring your BMI, or “Body Mass Index.” This is basically the same as figuring out your “normal weight range,” it just gives you a different numeric system to follow. You can get your BMI here, and it also provides a scale to show you what numbers you should be falling between to be a normal weight. The BMI provides the same classifications, though it doesn’t account for the “morbidly” or “super morbidly” obese — once you are more than 100 lbs. overweight, you’re simply “obese.” The BMI will be accurate UNLESS you happen to be a muscle machine (i.e. bodybuilder) because obviously your tons-o-muscle weigh a lot more than fat and will skew your results. I’ll trust you’re capable of knowing whether or not your BMI is high due to your watermelon-sized biceps, or your watermelon-sized beer gut.

Ok, now that you’re armed with that info, you realize that people who fall into the “obese” category are MORE THAN 50 POUNDS OVERWEIGHT.

I’d like to point out that “normal weight ranges” are extremely forgiving. For instance, within my own “healthy” BMI range, I can swing about 25 fucking pounds and still be considered in the “normal” range. I don’t know about you, but I consider 25 lbs. to be a lot of weight. If you don’t, try picking up a 25-lb. weight at the gym sometime. What this means to me is, the human body is pretty damn accepting of a few extra pounds. You can live a long, healthy life with a few brownies stuck to your thighs — you don’t need to be in marathon-running shape. So, really, it’s not a difficult or even limiting thing to keep yourself within a healthy range. Even a modicum of physical activity and willpower will keep you there, unless you have a thyroid problem or some other type of ACTUAL (not imaginary) medical condition. And really, really liking Ho Hos is NOT a medical condition.

Of course, as middle-age hits, muscle mass decreases, injuries are more common and the metabolism slows down, it’s possible that you could slip into the “overweight” category a little more easily. But for me, this means I could gain nearly 70 lbs. and still not be obese (and middle-age does not, in itself, excuse a 70-lb. weight gain). I could eat until I’d grown a motherfucking toddler, and I’d simply be “overweight.” But one thing would be sure if I were to pack 70 lbs. onto my body — I’d fucking know I’m fat.

Things that might tip me off to my being fat:

• I’d increased four pants sizes. No honey, it’s not because the store “runs large” — it’s because your thunder thighs now require a size 12.

• I’d have that lovely giant mid-stomach roll. Thin people don’t have giant rolls. Overweight people do. Do you have a giant roll? You are fat.

• I’d look in a mirror and see that I was no longer thin, but fat. I’m not sure what mirrors some of these people are using, but mine shows a pretty clear picture. Maybe they need some Windex.

• I’d use a scale, and see that I weighed a lot. Weighing a lot = fat.

See, it’s really not that difficult of a determination to make. The funny thing about our world is that we are able to see things. Like this computer in front of me, the trees outside my window, and my own ever-expanding ass. I suppose if you were blind, you’d have one, minor excuse for not knowing of your own fatness, but I imagine even blind people can feel the pressure when they try to squeeze 38-inch waistlines into jeans.

So how is it that obese people — motherfucking 250-300 pounders — don’t realize they are obese. I mean, these are the people you see on the street and you sort of vomit a little and then have to swallow it. These are the people who have minor difficulty going through turnstiles or sitting in movie theatre seats. These are the people who you see come into a restaurant and you start to eat faster because you’re afraid they might kill you and take your dinner in a low-blood-sugar-inspired hunger rage.

LOOK IN THE MOTHERFUCKING MIRROR! Do you look like Mario Fucking Batali? THEN YOU ARE FUCKING OBESE! Take some fucking control of your life and DO something about it!! Your denial of your fat is almost as disgusting as the fat itself.

Here’s what I propose. I propose that whomever did this study repeat the study again, only this time make sure they get the personal information of everyone whom they ask. If an obese person responds that they believe they are merely “overweight” or are in the “normal range,” than the researcher should find where that person lives, take out his or her handy HARPOON, and spear the obese person through the gut. Maybe that’ll raise their self-awareness.

This is Probably Not the End of People I Hate...

2006-04-11T11:15:00.000-04:00

I had to add these, as well...

People who went to Notre Dame.
People who root for Notre Dame sports teams.
People (especially) who root for Notre Dame sports teams who did not go to Notre Dame.
People who don’t despise Notre Dame.
People who like the Rangers (yes, this means you, Cup).
People who like the Flyers.
People who like the Eagles.
People who play pro hockey and are named Messier and cry like a little girl when their jersies are retired.
People who play pro hockey and are named Jagr and suck at life.
People who are former pro hockey goalies and are named Roy and beat their wives when they lose games.
People from Boston who, after meeting me, immediately go “Yankees suck” as though I were supposed to give a fuck and flip out and set something on fire.
People who watch baseball.
People who play in or are fans of the NBA.
People who attended or root for Ohio State.
People who attended or root for UVA.
People who attended or root for Miami U.
People who played football for Miami U., especially.
People who have ever chanted the Florida State football chant.
People who find ethnic mascots offensive.
People who take our tailgate spot.
People who take our tailgate spot and root for the other team.
People who play in the pep band for USC games who feel the need to play the motherfucking school song after every goddamn first down.
People who attended George Washington University or American University and now think they are “politically connected.”
People from New Jersey who make fun of Rutgers (how about you stop being cynical for five seconds and have some goddamn state pride — If I can do it, anyone can).
People who attended, root for or are even remotely positive toward the idea of Boston College.
People who are Bobby Bowden.
People who are the coach of NC State’s football team and have giant man-boobs and think wearing shiny red shoes makes you “cool with the kids.”

And, most importantly,
People who like Rilo Kiley.

A few, quick additional people I hate

2006-04-07T15:15:00.000-04:00

(Had to add these:)

People who think they are smart because they read The DaVinci Code
People who think they are even more smart because they read other books by Dan Brown
People who call in to radio talk shows
People who put music on their MySpace profiles
People who say, "You look so happy together" to new couples, or couples that recently got married.
People who send sparkly messages to other's MySpace profiles
People who try to get dates via MySpace
People who send chain letters via Bulletin on MySpace
People who try to list really obscure bands or movies as their "favorites" so they sound in-the-know or smart
People who post 9,000 "inside jokes" on their friends MySpace profiles
People who don't post any pictures of themselves on their MySpace profiles
People who only post pictures of themselves on their MySpace profiles, and all those pictures look the same
People with hundreds of "friends" on MySpace
People with bands who contact me via MySpace
People who do porn who contact me via MySpace
People who are obsessed with MySpace

You're Invading my Personal Bubble

2006-04-05T15:18:00.000-04:00

You know what I don’t like? People telling me what is “good for me.” Because 90 percent of the time the person trying to tell me what is “good for me” is a complete fucking moron. And I’d say more than half the time the person trying to tell me what is “good for me” is basing his or her opinion off of some religious belief, which I think has about as much weight as a pork rind.

Like my absolute FAVORITE American organization, the motherfucking Christian Coalition. Never before has an organization clustered together a more rigidly defined group of complete assholes. In fact, I think it’s required when you sign up to join the CC that you register yourself as an Officially Recorded Complete Asshole, or O.R.C.A., which I think is fitting because O.R.C.A.s are kind of like big, annoying killer whales taking up too much space in this country. I mean, just look at the group’s slogan: “America’s Leading Grassroots Organization Defending Our Godly Heritage.”

I don’t have a goddamn “Godly Heritage,” and if I did I certainly don’t need you to defend it. You can thank the fine folks at the CC every time a show you like is forced off the air due to “inappropriate content.” You can thank them for making issues like Janet Jackson’s .0016 second boob exposure into a major political issue, and taking focus away from less-important political issues, like the War in Iraq or, say, unaffordable healthcare coverage. You can thank them for making Terri Schiavo a household name, and therefore making a private family’s tragedy into a public spectacle.

These people think it’s their job to tell people like me “what’s good for me.” They tell me that abortion is “bad” and that they want to save my soul and the soul of my unborn child, even if I don’t. They tell me that taking someone off life support is “bad” because “life” is god’s greatest gift — even if that person has no conscious life. They tell me that boobs on TV are “bad” and so are shows that mock religion, and that I shouldn’t watch those or the Devil will come to Earth and form a romantic love interest with me and together we’ll produce the antichrist as our child and he will bring forth fire and brimstone upon the world and everything will suck and I’ll cry a lot and wish the CC were there to tell me what to do.

What these people need to do is:

1.) Get their heads on straight.
2.) Leave me the fuck alone.

Look, you want to live your life “by the Bible” or “according to the teachings of Jesus,” that’s fine. I mean, it’s your life and if you want to waste it being a fucking moron and thinking some book is going to get you to “the divine light” or whatever nonsense they are calling “heaven” these days, it’s your prerogative. Unlike you, I don’t feel the need to dictate to you how to live your life, or what you should and should not watch, read or believe in. I’d appreciate it if you did me the same favor, and left me the fuck alone to do and act as I please. Maybe I want to watch South Park make fun of Christianity. Sorry if it offends you, here’s an idea — change the motherfucking channel! Better yet, turn the goddamn television off and go listen to Bill O’Reilly sexually solicit his staff with a falafel on conservative radio.

You know what offends me on television? Your leader, Pat Robertson and that show The 700 Club. I find it dull, ludicrous and, frankly, a big scam. But I’m not petitioning to get it taken off the air. I mean, the fact that a man like Pat Robertson, who has espoused such great nuggets of wisdom as “Feminism is a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians“ and “It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-biased media and the homosexuals who want to destroy all Christians“ leads your group should be tip Numero Uno that you’re in no place to be telling others what to do.

Despite the fact that you’re Christian and, therefore, an arrogant asshole, you DON’T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS. You don’t know that your beliefs are correct or that the way you’ve chosen to live your life is the “correct way.” Maybe god loves abortions. Did you ever think of that? I mean, he killed babies in the Old Testament all the time, so why not? And if I were god, and I’d created Janet Jackson’s boobs, then I would probably not be offended if I saw them on television. If god’s not offended, neither am I.

I’ll bet you’re wondering what got me started on this rant, since nothing so far has referred to an issue currently in the news. It’s actually a story not related to the CC, but a small Catholic school on Long Island that decided to cancel the senior prom last year. According to Brother Kenneth M. Hoagland, principal of Kellenberg Memorial High School, the prom was cancelled because it had become “bacchanalian” instead of simply a party to cap off students’ high school years. Here is what he said in the letter sent home to parents:

“It is not primarily the sex/booze/drugs that surround this event, as problematic as they might be; it is rather the flaunting of affluence, assuming exaggerated expenses, a pursuit of vanity for vanity's sake — in a word, financial decadence."

Basically, he canceled the prom because kids were going overboard spending thousands on limos, dresses and post-prom parties.

EARTH TO BROTHER KENNETH — IT’S THE HIGH SCHOOL FUCKING PROM.

Let’s say I were born rich and then let’s say I went to high school, and at the end of high school there was going to be a prom. And let’s say to celebrate the prom I wanted Daddy to buy me a Vera Wang prom dress worth 10k, jewelry to match my dress worth 3k, and a hair-do by my personal stylist who costs $300 and hour. I also want me and my friends driven to the prom in a silver stretch Hummer that cost $600 an hour and came stocked with champagne and an Xbox to keep us busy as we drove around. Let’s say for the after party I had Daddy rent me and my friends a house in the Hamptons to celebrate, and all my friends came and we ate exclusive catered food and drank expensive wine and then all went out and skinny dipped next to the $50,000 yacht we had rented for the next day. I’d say that would be the greatest fucking prom ever, and if Daddy could afford it, then why the fuck not? Isn’t it my (or, really Daddy’s) decision what I spend my fucking money on?

Brother Kenneth has struck a compromise with his students, who agreed to a prom on a rather pedestrian dinner cruise. They will all be bussed there (no limos allowed) and tuxes and ballgowns are prohibited — the best you can do is a “dress” and a “suit.”

What Brother Kenneth believes is going to happen is that his high school seniors will concentrate more on the party and saying goodbye and having a nice send-off, rather than concentrating on who has the nicest limo, dress, or who is having the best after-party.

Brother Kenneth clearly never went to high school. I went to high school, though, and I remember that everything is about image and everything is a competition. That’s why all the girls dress like sluts on Halloween, to see who can make the hottest, sexiest black cat. Brother Kenneth could hold the prom at the local garbage dump and decree that all students must unicycle there and wear burlap sacks spray painted to read “I love poverty.” And guess what — the students will still compete, and lo-and-behold some stuck up snob girl will have found a way for Daddy to spend his hard-earned bucks to make her burlap sack look like it was designed by Versace.

This just brings me to my original point — that I hate when people try to make me do things that they deem “right.” Why? Because, for one, I don’t necessarily agree with your definition of “right.” That’s why such matters are called “opinions” and not “facts” — maybe you should look up those definitions sometime. You may think it’s a gross expenditure to dump thousands of dollars into a high school prom. I happen to think it’s a great way to spend your money and have a little fun for one night. You may think you’re “teaching kids a lesson” and I think you’re out of touch with reality. You would have been better off worrying about a problem that you actually had some control over, like what you’re going to eat for lunch today. People in this country need to stop feeling like it’s their personal responsibility to make everyone else a better person, or be forced to register themselves as O.R.C.A.s, so at least we can be prepared when meeting that person for what lies ahead.

By the way, if you’d like to watch video of a large, dead, beached whale be blown up with a half ton of dynamite (and I know you do), you can click here. That’s all I have for today. Peace out.

The Daily Grind

2006-04-04T16:02:00.000-04:00

I’m sorry these blogs have been so infrequent the past few weeks. Things have been “picking up” at my job, as they tend to do every few weeks, and I’ve been unable to devote the mental energy I require for these articles-of-fun. Today is a good day, though. I awoke early, worked out and consumed an energy drink that has made my blood vessels feel as though they may explode.

Awesome.

My frantic heart muscle, and subsequent super-high blood pressure, has enabled me to get all my work done early. I wish I could stop fidgeting and that I weren’t having a caffeine-induced stroke right now, but there’s nothing like sitting at a desk without any paperwork stacked on it.

In celebration of that, I thought I’d blog about jobs today, or employment in general. There’s plenty of news to be had on the issue, so I wasn’t going to be lacking for source material.

France hit by new mass protests

Somewhere between one and three million students (apparently French officials can’t seem to determine which it is, although it doesn’t seem like it should be difficult to tell if there are an extra million people or so in the streets) have taken to the streets in protest of a new law, the “CPE,” that would make firing and hiring easier for anyone under the age of 26 who has worked for a company fewer than two years.

You see, under current French law it is nearly impossible and very costly to fire anyone. Because of this, payrolls are kept short and new jobs are infrequent to open, because employers don’t want to take risks on new employees who might cost them tons of euros to fire if they don’t work out. Therefore, unemployment rates are fairly high, especially among younger folks and those who live in poorer sections of the country. France figures if they make it easier to both hire and fire new employees, that job openings will actually increase.

Due to the fact that the law went through very little debate in the parliament, and because it includes that little section making firing easier, the locals are none-too-pleased. Apparently, they like the fact that job security — once you get a job, that is — is relatively high.

To me this all sounds like a load of shit, though. If you suck, then you suck and you should be fired. This law shouldn’t scare anyone who is capable of doing his or her job, because your employer isn’t going to fire you simply because he or she can (I mean, he or she might, but that practice probably wouldn’t work out so well for that employer). In other words, just because it’s easier for you to be fired, doesn’t mean you will be, as long as you’re doing a good job. The amount of protestors in France right now leads me to one conclusion: that at least one to three million people in France suck. It’s an obvious conclusion — these people would not be protesting unless they feared that they would be fired if firings were made easier. Clearly they aren’t capable of doing their jobs and the only thing keeping them employed is the current system. I’m not sure how much of a revelation this really is, though, considering that we all knew that French people sucked long ago.

Delta pilots authorize strike

Delta airlines pilots, who are part of a union, have agreed to strike if they are forced to make more wage concessions. Basically, the airline wants to toss the current contract it has with the union and save itself $325 million through cuts in wages and benefits for pilots. Delta filed for bankruptcy in September and needs to find a way to recover some assets.

Here’s the thing. I get that, as a pilot, you wouldn’t want to suddenly get a huge pay cut. In fact, the Delta pilots already took a pay cut, when air travel declined after 9/11. But … umm … like 6 months ago your company filed for BANKRUPTCY. What the fuck did you think would happen to your paychecks and benefits? Did you think things would remain rosey for you, and that the cuts come from less important things, like putting an end to engine tune-ups, wing defrosting and land gear maintenance? Maybe the airline could rip out all those pesky life-preserver seat bottoms and sell them on Ebay? Perhaps food served on the plane could come from McDonald’s Dollar Menu instead? (Actually, that would be a vast improvement! I’ll have to write a letter to Delta …)

Look, when my company says, “Shit dog — I be broke!” that’s when I take my experience and go elsewhere. I understand that finding another job as a pilot is about as easy as finding a crumb lost in the fat crevices of Chastity Bono, but that’s when you say to yourself, “I need to find a new profession.” Go drive a taxi for god’s sake, they probably make more than pilots anyway, and you don’t have to worry about emergency water landings.

DeLay calling it quits

Here’s a big surprise, U.S. Rep. Tom DeLay, the former House GOP leader, has decided not to run in the upcoming elections. I wonder which factored more into his decision not to run, his recent “brushes” with the law, or his associations. I wonder what he’s going to do with himself, now that he can’t spend hours every day being a corrupt government official.

Oh, and I love his excuse for leaving. He’s trying to claim that Democrats would “demonize” him and exploit his legal issues during the race, in order to secure a Democratic victory. Soo…you’re not going to run simply because the Democrats might say something “exploitative”? It doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that NO ONE is going to vote for you, since you were publicly caught doing something illegal? It’s a little too late to be “saving face” at this point, don’t you think? Oh that’s right, you don’t think. That’s why you’re a politician. Forgive me, I forgot.

And finally, just remember, if you’re working for an unpopular President, keep your bags packed. It’s called a scapegoat, and it’s got your name written all over it.

People I Hate

2006-03-31T15:21:00.000-05:00

I know I’ve been remiss about writing blogs this week, and for that I apologize. Work was a little crazy (like, I actually had to do “work” for once) and things on the home front were a bit busy as well.

But enough with the excuses. I had to get back into the blogging mode. I could have done that with any number of news stories, not the least of which was Joey Buttafuoco and his amazing grey mullet of death. But it all seemed too easy, too trite and too CNN-ish to make for a good “Get Back to Bloggin’” blog.

So I decided to do something that would be more beneficial to mankind in general — namely, an entire blog dedicated to the People I Hate.

Please note that these people are not in any particular order. In other words, I may just hate Person #37 more than Person #1, or I may not. Depends on the day.

Enjoy.

People I Hate:

People who smoke (note that I do have some friends who smoke, so for them I only hate them when they are physically performing the act of smoking. Otherwise I love them dearly)
People who talk on their cell phones at dinner
People who talk loudly on cell phones in any public place
People whose cell phones ring more than once every five minutes
People who wear their cell phones in prominent places on their bodies (that style went out with 1996, along with the beeper)
People who call me while I’m busy doing something else (they should know better)
People who are telemarketers
People who cut me off in traffic
People who drive too slow
People who drive too fast
People who tailgate me
People who drive mini-vans
People who drive Hummers or any over-sized SUV
People who drive station wagons (station wagons are so ugly that they ruin my entire day with their aesthetic unpleasingness.)
People who drive really old cars that have bad-smelling exhaust
People who drive with their windows closed on really nice days
People who smoke in the cars in front of me at red lights and make my car smell bad
People with bumper stickers that espouse some type of religious message (You know what? Jesus fucking hates you, and he gave your mom cancer. How about that.)
People with bumper stickers that espouse some type of environmentalist message (How about a tree is weeping somewhere because his best friend was cut down to make that bumper sticker)
People with bumper stickers that espouse something about their child’s education
People with bumper stickers.
People with add-on spoilers on the backs of their cars (Hi, those do nothing to improve on the aerodynamics of your car, unless you decide to drive your Honda Civic 250 mph. Plus, they’re ugly)
People who lower their cars to be nearer to the ground
People with fancy hubcaps (Congrats, you just spend $5,000 to look like a pimp)
People who are obese and wear tight clothing
People who are obese and eat fattening foods while drinking diet soda
People who are obese and eat fattening foods
People who are obese and eat
People who are obese and don’t exercise
People who are obese and complain about being obese
People who are obese and consider it a ‘disability’
People who are obese and consider themselves a ‘minority’
People who think being obese is ok
People who are obese and believe others need to "accept them"
People who are obese and have obese children
People who are obese and go out in public, forcing me to see their obeseness
People who are obese
People who think their religion is the only possible correct religion
People who talk to me about their religion and try to convert me
People who go to church every week thinking it makes them superior people
People who don’t eat meat on Fridays in Lent, as though eating meat would be a sure-fire way to be sent to hell
People who use religion as an excuse to kill
People who let religion brainwash them to think human lives are meaningless
People who let religion brainwash them to think certain types of humans are biologically inferior
People who use religion to stifle free speech
People who think they are superior because they believe in a religion
People who are religious
People who voted for Bush
People who think that being anti-Bush is anti-American (how about it’s anti-American to not think freely and not learn to question your government?)
People who are so conservative, they forget the fundamentals of being conservative
People who are so liberal, they forget the fundamentals of being liberal
People who use the terms ‘conservative’ or ‘liberal’ as insults
People who confuse religion and politics
People who believe they know what’s right for everyone else
People who want religious theories to be taught in schools as alternatives to Darwinism
People who home-school their children
People who were home-schooled
People who read The New York Times only because they feel it makes them smarter than everyone else
People who watch Fox News because they think it’s “more balanced” because it’s “not liberal”
People who listen to conservative radio and believe everything that is said
People who support the War in Iraq
People who now think we should just leave Iraq and leave the country to deal with the turmoil we created on its own
People who voluntarily go to Iraq, then get upset when they are kidnapped
People who live in the middle of nowhere, who fear terrorist attacks
People who drink Bud Light, Coors Light, Miller, or any other “Domestic Pilsner” that insults the name of beer
People who order dry wine who don’t like dry wine but order it because they think it makes them sophisticated
People who think they are sophisticated
People who only read the books on best-seller lists
People who only read titles that “everyone is talking about” so they can sound “in the know” and “well-read” in social circles
People who only read romance, horror or mystery novels
People who don’t read
People who only listen to one type of music
People who say they like “any” type of music
People who don’t listen to music
People who become so obsessed with listening to music that they know every band, every band member, every album and every single of a certain type of music
People with out-of-control pets
People who walk their out-of-control pets even though they try to eat my pets
People unaware that their pets are out-of-control
People who buy dogs, then don’t exercise, train or play with them on a daily basis and are confused as to why their dogs are not Lassie
People who become obsessed with their pets
People who place signs or welcome mats outside their homes, that in some way features the pet or type of pet they have
People who put ugly lawn decorations on their lawns in a serious manner (i.e. actually putting a pink flamingo on your lawn because you think it’s “cute” and not because you think it’s funny)
People who still have landscaping from 1986
People who don’t landscape
People who paint their home garish colors and like it
People who let their homes fall into disrepair
People who live in Newark, NJ
People who wear clothes designed for people of a younger generation
People who wear frumpy or “old person” clothing who are not old
People who get noticeable plastic surgery
People who tan all year
People who noticeably dye grey hair (you’re old, get used to it)
People who are always sick
People who are always injured
People who constantly have major family emergencies or dramas
People who are dramatic
People who are hypochondriacs
People who drink tea because they think it makes them superior to coffee drinkers
People who argue whether Dunkin Donuts or Starbucks makes better coffee
People who argue the difference between Coke and Pepsi
People who don’t understand the joy contained in a single can of Red Bull
People with raspy smoker voices
People with high-pitched or screetchy voices
People who talk too much
People who never say anything
People who have a favorite color that dominates everything they wear and purchase
People with lower-back tattoos (except my one friend, who I’ll let slide because she’s cool like that)
People with boob tattoos
People with a lot of piercings
People who dress “goth”
People who think that alternative clothing styles make them “anti-establishment”
People who are “anti-establishment”
People who own Christian book stores
People who shop at Christian book stores
People who make Christian rock
People who listen to Christian rock
People who have kids, then put them in daycare and/or hire nannies to raise them
People who dislike cheese (unless they are lactose intolerant)
People who dislike chocolate (except my Mom — you rock, Mom!)
People who won’t try any new foods
People who dislike any foods that I really like
People who call their parents 50 times a day
People who call their significant other 50 times a day
People who call anyone 50 times a day
People who e-mail chain letters
People who e-mail “important warnings” that are obvious spam
People who always comment on the weather, as though they were the only ones who noticed how nice or crappy out it was
People with fake laughs
People who are fake
People who lie about important things
People who lie to themselves about important things
People who were popular in high school
People who get up early in the morning because they feel it makes them superior to people who sleep in
People who work too much
People who are overly lazy
People with a lot of money but no appreciation for it
People with no money who don’t try to better themselves
People with no work ethic
People who think their jobs are their life
People who sneeze and don’t cover their mouths
People who cough and don’t cover their mouths
People who come into the store I used to work at and let their kids, who have pink eye, touch everything and then I touch those things and I get pink eye
People who are dirty
People who smell bad
People who use too much cologne
People who don’t hold the elevator even though they know you’re coming
People who don’t hold doors for other people
People who take up extra seats on the subway or bus
People who wear bathing suits that are too tight
People who are fat and fly coach
People who can’t take a joke
People who can’t make a joke
People without senses of humor
People who are oblivious to the world around them
People who are rude
People who chew gum loudly
People who are ugly
People who live “holistic lifestyles”
People who think yoga is the answer to life
People who do extreme sports
People who believe having “values” means “censorship”
People who are inconsiderate
People who would rather lie than admit a wrongdoing
People who think it’s kinder to bring a child with disabilities into the world than it is to kill the fetus in the womb
People who are loud all the time
People who are quiet all the time
People who always have attitude
People who have mood swings
People obsessed with money
People who buy things just so people can admire how much money they have
People who are tacky
People who lack talent in a certain area, yet think the opposite
People who cat call other people on the street
People who get drunk all the time
People who think they are “fun drunks”
People who fear they are “angry drunks” and therefore get drunk to prove they are not “angry drunks”
People who use a lot of drugs
People who intentionally hurt other people
People with too much ego
People with no self-esteem
People who are upset all the time
People who only call you to bitch
People who talk about everyone in malicious ways behind their backs
People who are selfish
People who are thankless
People who have no manners
People who are thoughtless
People who wrap my birthday presents in leftover Christmas wrapping paper
People who complain about everything
People who are constantly negative
People who think they "don't need other people"
People who are co-dependent
People who were mean to me in high school, who now want to be my friends

There’s probably many, many more. Feel free to write in comments including your own “People I hate.”

I still enjoy the occasional taco, however...

2006-03-24T15:16:00.000-05:00

Sometimes news stories make you want to step back, shake your head and get your brain in order. Because, surely what you just read was not what you thought you read, since it made little or no sense.

Like for instance, Republicans have passed a bill through the House making it a federal crime to be an illegal alien, and also to employ one.

Here’s why I’m confused. It’s that little word that comes before “alien.” If you are titled an illegal alien, doesn’t that mean your presence in this country was already a crime? Wasn’t it already a crime to employ someone who doesn’t have legal status in this country?

Apparently not. Yes, if you were an illegal alien, you would have been arrested and deported if found, but technically your actions would not have been listed as a federal crime, only a misdeamonor, unless you attempted to enter the country illegally on multiple occasions. Under this bill, even first-time illegals would be charged with a felony, and you could serve jailtime in the U.S., although it seems more likely that you’ll just be deported as usual (unless you were carrying a gun or drugs when found, or if you’re connected with gang activity). However, since you’re now on the books as a criminal, your chances of ever gaining lawful entry to the States in the future is highly unlikely.

Also, it was previously not a crime to hire illegals. Well, ok, it was, but you could have saved yourself by just not doing a background check on those you employed, since it wasn’t required. And what you didn’t know didn’t hurt you. So if you wanted to pay Julio San Beaner $.05 an hour to shovel horseshit on your ranch, you could, and San Beaner, being an illegal, couldn’t do much about it. The new statute requires that you do a legal status background check on every new person you employ, and within six years, you’d have to do a check on everyone you employed even before the statute took place. If you don’t, you can be arrested and fined. If you do, and continue to knowingly employ an illegal, you can be arrested and fined.

Sounds pretty simple and logical to me. In fact, it confuses me that such statutes weren’t in place to begin with. There are many ways to gain legal status in this country, you don’t need to be smuggled in.

I understand that illegals make up a huge portion of the workforce (there are an estimated 10 to 11 million currently within the United States — good job, Border Patrol!) and that they do many of the jobs you and I would never even consider. I also understand that probably 95% of them are just simple folk seeking a better way of life. But within that fractional other 5% reside the gang members, petty thieves, murderers, drug smugglers, rapists and terrorists. Even if only 5% of those 11 million are criminals (and it could be much higher) that still makes nearly a half million criminals who shouldn’t even be in this country in the first place.

Generally speaking, I am not a Republican. I tend to find them far too conservative and far too old and bald. But this is a statute I can easily agree with. Being an illegal alien should be, well … illegal. Employing one should also be illegal, not just because you’re supporting an illegal activity, but also because employers who hire illegals tend to take advantage of them with cheap pay, long hours and no benefits.

But, much to my surprise, huge groups of people are protesting the passing of the bill in the House (the bill has now moved to the Senate).

According to the CNN article, Hispanics in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, decided on Thursday to hold a “Day Without Latinos” protest to oppose the legislation (which was sponsored by their Republican congressman Jim Sensenbrenner). Tens of thousands of Latinos took off work and marched in the streets to express their heated displeasure over the “anti-immigration legislation.” Hmm … a day without Latinos … I can only imagine. The amount of jealous-wife knifings in this country would decrease by about 68%. But who would buy all that gaudy gold jewelry they sell on tables on street corners? And who would clean the bathrooms at the rest stops on the highway? Who would drive by me in their decked-out Camaros with the lit-up license plate, playing loud salsa music and making kissing noises?

Even some Democrats are opposing the legislation — incredibly intelligent and thoughtful people, like Senator Hillary Clinton, who espoused this nugget of wisdom regarding the issue, “This bill would literally criminalize the Good Samaritan and probably even Jesus himself.” Seriously, does Hillary ever say anything that doesn’t smack of Retarded Fucking Idiot? Who writes her speeches, Corky from Life Goes On? I swear she purposely says the dumbest, most outrageous things possible just so she can get on the news — because clearly she’ll never get on the news for doing something worthwhile or beneficial as a goddamn State Senator. How the fuck would making being illegal illegal criminalize a man who died 2,000 years ago? What the FUCK does Jesus have to do with Burrito Lopez trying to snake his way into the U.S. and earn tax-free pesos? And how are people who help illegals get into this country “Good Samaritans”? Does she have a fucking clue how degenerate those people typically are? They pack these poor families — who give them their life savings of $.35 — into the backs of trucks until they’re unable to move, then they slowly drive across the border while the smuggled occupants try not to die from heat exhaustion and dehydration. If the cops are hot on their trail, they’ll often abandon the illegals to their own fate. If they make it, the illegals are set free to fend for themselves, with little to get them started other than a desire to not suck at life. Half the time these “Good Samaritans” will direct (or force) the young girls and women making their way over into the prostitution business. If those people are “Good Samaritans” than Darryl Littlejohn is a goddamn Mother Theresa. Goddamnit, Hillary Clinton, why haven’t you killed yourself as a result of your own stupidity yet?

Can’t people in this country find issues actually worthy of protesting over? Like hunger or unaffordable health insurance or the combining of the WB with UPN? A bill that makes being illegal illegal is not something that should get a rise out of you. It’s called goddamn logic. Try it sometime.

They should have named her 'Detroit'

2006-03-23T12:15:00.000-05:00

CNN was boring the shit out of me today. I mean, a story about freeing Christian peace activists in Iraq and a burning cruise ship? Ho-hum.

So I thought I’d provide you all with a little breaking news from the blog world. This little gem comes from a blog called www.idontlikeyouinthatway.com, which is really a great site; you should check it out. And when you do, send them an e-mail about how great my blog is, so they’ll link me. *wink wink* Ahh, nepotism.

Anyhoo, here’s the “story”:

The Hilton Sisters Are Animated

I have to say, that’s a horrible headline. It sounds like the story is going to be about how lively and excited the Hilton sisters are. But that’s not the issue here.

The issue is, Ted Field and his company, Interscope, are “in the works” to create an animated series about the Hilton sisters.

Have any of you ever watched The Simple Life? Never in my life have I watched anyone so devoid of morals, values and work ethic as Paris Hilton. Paris is to society what a Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever-infested tick is to my dog: a small, annoying insect that creates disease and decay. Watching The Simple Life is like watching a train wreck, and I don’t just mean Paris’ face. She and her former side-kick, Nicole Ritchie, manage to completely undermine the moral fiber deeply knit by a small, rural community in the matter of days. They steal from their employers (yes, these multi-millionaire “girls” take money from poor farmers), purposely try to get fired by doing things that could hurt the businesses they work at, they sexually assault minors and they flaunt the house rules of the family that takes them in. And they do all this while smiling, joking and complaining about how boring Arkansas is (well, that last part is true).

Outside of the show, Paris Hilton earns about $7 million a year by making public appearances. This is all she does. She doesn’t even have a real high school diploma. She adds nothing to society, in fact, she detracts from it.

So why on earth do we keep making shows about her? Why is she so fascinating to people? She’s not that pretty, she’s way too thin and her personality is a huge, steaming pile of shit. She even, reportedly, has herpes. Maybe that’s where she came up with the title for her as-yet-unreleased album, Paris is Burning.

And Nikki is not much better, though she comes out shining after being compared to her soulless celebutante sister. Why can’t we let the Hiltons fade into their money-ridden oblivion where they belong? Stop the madness already! Modern society will thank you.

Stupid people are like charged atoms

2006-03-22T15:34:00.000-05:00

I've developed a theory, and it is thus: Stupid people are like charged atoms, their relative instability attracts unstable, stupid people around them, forming groups of stupid people that we can refer to as "clusterfucks." Unstable stupid people can also draw intelligence away from the stable, smart people around them, creating even more stupid, unstable people.

Anyway, so today's blog is dedicated to the morons of the world. With 6+ billion people on this planet, there's way more stupidity to choose from than I could possibly list, so this should just serve as a highlight of the stupid people featured on www.cnn.com today. Through my evidence, I hope to prove my theory viable.

Exhibit A: Man dies stuck in mud after running from deputies

We all get pulled over from time to time. You're driving down the highway, not bugging anyone, when suddenly a piece of pork flashes his lights behind you and ruins your month with a $200 speeding ticket. But most people just pull over, accept fate and silently envision taking a bazooka and turning the officer's car into a firey barbecue pit. Most of us, who aren't guilty of some gross crime, don't think, "Gee, maybe I should try to run away and this problem will disappear." But, alas, for Shawn E. Leflore, 33, this was his line of thinking. Shawn E. Leflore is not very bright, and not just because he decided to run from the police even though he hadn't committed any greater crime than having an expired license. You see, even if I were to run from the cops, I would probably not choose to drive my getaway vehicle into the middle of a gigantic field of MUD. Why? Because cars don't drive as well on mud as they do on, say, roads. At least that's what my driver's manual says. Also, if I were to choose to drive into a field of mud and then, say, get stuck, I would not choose to jump out into the freezing mud while it was 30 degrees out. I would stay in my car and just admit defeat. But Shawn E. Leflore did jump out. And Shawn E. Leflore got stuck up to his waist in mud. And though police found him, and tried to pull him out, Shawn E. Leflore died. A sad story, indeed, for Shawn E. Leflore. The question is, who is more dumb — Shawn E. Leflore, for doing all he could to kill himself, or the police officers, for going after him in that field in the first place? If the man wants to take his chances with a field of squishy, freezing mud, I say let him go for it. I'm gonna go grab some coffee.

Exhibit B: Ex-teacher sues over noisy chair

An ex-teacher at the Bedminster Down Secondary School in Bristol, England is sueing her former employer for unfair dismissal and sexual harassment, partly because the school refused to replace her chair, which made a "fart" noise every time she sat down. This, apparently, was somewhat embarassing, "especially during parent-teacher conferences."

Sue Storer, 48, also claims her male co-workers got special treatment and that extra pressure was placed on her.

Here's an idea or two. If your chair is making a "fart" noise, and the school won't give you a new one, perhaps you could — I don't know — use another chair in your classroom. Stay late one night, and switch your chair with the chair of that male math teacher who gets special treatment. Buy a pad to put on the seat. Poke a new hole in the seat so the displacement of air when you sit down will no longer make said "fart" noise. Buy a big box of Bean-O, put it on your desk, and just flaunt the entire thing as a joke. Grow a sense of humor. What's probably not a good idea is having a nervous breakdown because of it, which Storer reportedly did. She has also said she can never go back to teaching now.

If one farting chair can tear down your life that easily, then perhaps a profession that requires teaching young children was not the best choice for you to begin with. In this case, I'm not sure who is more stupid, the teacher who gets fired because she can't handle the fact that her chair farts, or the judge who is willing to hear her case. At least it's not clogging up the American court system.

Exhibit C: Crocodile kills humanitarian professor

Richard K. Root, 68, had had a bad couple of years: He needed bypass surgery, he suffered depression, and his wife died of some neomuscular disease. Give him some boils and burn down his house, and you could call him Job. But then things started to look up. He'd found someone new, gotten re-married, and his career as a medical doctor and expert on infectious diseases was at a new height. So what does Dr. Root decide to do, to celebrate his new-found love for life?

He moves to Africa to help fight the AIDS epidemic. Then he gets eaten by a croc while taking a tour of some swill-fest they call a river.

Look, sometimes god makes bad things happen to good people. Some people are forced to face dark times in their lives. But usually, past that grey cloud, a rainbow lies on the horizon. Life has a funny way of working out, and even when you thought things were impassably bleak, if you struggle through you'll often find that something good will come along and bring new meaning to your life.

When this good thing happens, DON'T FUCK IT UP BY MOVING TO AFRICA. Then god will be forced to admit you're too goddamn stupid to be left on earth, polluting the minds of the intelligent folk around you. So he will bring about a swift death for you and reign you back up to Stupid Heaven where he can keep an eye on you and poke you with a stick all day.

Who is more stupid here, Dr. Root, his dumb-ass wife for following him to The Country That Hygeine Forgot, his family for supporting him, or the locals who thought it was a super idea to hold a river tour in croc- and hippo-infested waters? I mean, Jesus Christ, aren't there enough ways to die in Africa without tempting fate?

And finally, Exhibit D: Afghan Christian convert could be executed

Let's say you live in Afghanistan.

Ok, stop crying, it's just a hypothetical.

Your experience, having lived in this country, is that religious tolerance is not great. In fact, recently a group called "The Taliban" controlled your country, and they tended to deal with non-Muslims in a very contrite manner, namely anyone not living his or her life according to the teachings of Islam would be killed.

A few years ago some Americans plowed through where you lived, removing the Taliban from power and giving you "democracy." You're still not sure what democracy is, because your country doesn't really practice it, and you now fear for your life more than ever because fringes of former Taliban members and its supporters still range over your country, killing people and effectively making life miserable.

The people in your country are in turmoil, not sure whether they preferred the oppressive regime of the Taliban, or the oppressive regime of forced American democracy. They're not sure whether sticking to their facist Islamic beliefs is a good way to maintain control over their culture, or if they should listen to Western ideas about "freedom."

One thing is for sure, though. Pretty much everyone is Muslim and pretty much everyone still feels that everyone else should be a Muslim. Your government is neither secure or stable, and freedom of expression or religion is still frowned upon for the most part.

So, if you decide that Christianity is the religion you want to brainwash yourself with, the best option while living in Afghanistan is probably to keep quiet and practice your religion in secret. A bad choice would be to run up to the local "police" while carrying your Bible, and announce to them that you're Christian. That will probably get you arrested.

But that's what 41-year-old Abdul Rahman did, and now he's going to die because of it. What could have made this man so stupid? Obviously it was living in a country as stupid as Afghanistan. That's like a goddamn stupidity nuclear reactor waiting to blow.

Conclusion: Stupidity acts as an unstable element, with many stupid people drawn together, creating massively stupid results. The only reason stupidity has not yet destroyed the world is because it's too quick a killer, the souce of the stupidity instability usually dies before he/she is able to infect too many others. Thank god for that.

Garden of Taxes

2006-03-21T13:23:00.000-05:00

Today’s blog serves, at a special request, to pick apart the state budget plan put forth by our newly-elected scumbucket (who, yes, I voted for) NJ governor Jon Corzine.

First, I’m frankly shocked that our governors create budget plans. I’d always been under the impression that they spent their years in office eating at nice restaurants, waving at people and having illicit homosexual affairs while granting their friends six-figure jobs they never earned. That, and hiding their ties to the mob and their shady campaign finance dealings. But apparently they do government-ey things, as well. Go figure.

I’d heard rumors a few weeks ago that Corzine’s first plan as governor was going to be making taxes on food and clothing. This struck me as a terrific idea, since it would not effect the lives of the many people living in this state who don’t eat or clothe themselves. It would also deter all those pesky out-of-staters who flock to our malls to spend money on un-taxed clothing. I can’t think of a better economy boost. Unfortunately, someone must have told Corzine this was a poor idea, because apparently, although taxes will rise, they will not be placed on food or clothing. *Sob* And I was so looking forward to not being able to afford to eat!

But, as I said, we lowly residents of the Garden State didn’t get off scott-free. Corzine’s proposed budget for the coming year is the highest-ever in New Jersey history, topping off at more than $30 billion.

The added fundage is going to partially come in the form of, yes, some shiny new taxes: an increased sales tax, and new or higher taxes on cigarettes, alcohol, luxury cars and municipal drinking water.

Sales tax will go up from 6 percent to 7, the first increase in 16 years. Some dude who calls himself “State Treasurer” says this will cost the average resident about $212 more a year and will fund a majority of the $1.5 billion expected to be raised via the new taxes. Increased sales tax should do wonders to increase retail spending within the state, but I guess I shouldn’t complain, because I could always live in New York. But I do love how these men, with their multi-million dollar mansions, shore homes, big cars and six-figure salaries talk about a $212 increase a year as though it were change in my couch cushions. Two hundred bucks is a big deal to those of us unwilling to buy name-brand milk because it costs too much. But hopefully those taxes will go toward something worthwhile, like better education. Oh fuck. Well, more on that in a minute.

Higher taxes on cigarettes = fine with me. A.) I don’t smoke, so I don’t really give a fuck if it costs you more to slowly kill yourself and B.) Smokers are complete and total assholes, and they should have to pay more to live in the same society as I do.

Higher taxes on alcohol = I’m not sure. It seems, from how the article I read was worded, that the distributors will be the ones taxed. Of course, this means we’ll be paying more per-bottle, but I have a feeling the price increase will be very minor. Plus, in my house, where we have not one, not two, but now three refrigerators in our basement dedicated solely to containing alcohol, you can’t really worry about these things.

Higher taxes on luxury cars = Fuck yeah. If you can afford a $50,000 Lincoln Navigator for your 4-foot-3-inch wife to recklessly and carelessly drive your screaming, useless children around in, you can afford an increased tax. In fact, you should get taxed double for your wife’s poor driving being a drain on my mental well-being while I’m on the road. And I don’t want to sound sexist, so if any Jane McBusinesswoman out there is saying, “I bought my own luxury SUV, thank you!” I want to be fair. You, honey, should just be shot and killed.

Higher taxes on water = Are you kidding me? I can’t believe I even have to pay for that brownish, chlorine-infested shit you pump into my house to begin with. I haven’t consumed faucet water since I was ten, when I decided I no longer enjoyed the taste of iodine. You should be paying me to have to use that, not the other way around.

There will also be a new tax deducted when you sell a commercial property. This is fine with me, because the cost of real estate in New Jersey is already such a joke, that I’ve died from asphyxiation after laughing so hard. Ha. Ah ha ha ha. Ha. Ow.

Also included in the budget are some cuts. According to the article, “nearly all of the state departments face cuts, and the state work force would be reduced by 1,000 — including 300 layoffs of state workers not protected by civil service.” Now there’s thinking! The best way to raise money for the state is to make a thousand of its residents unemployed. Terrific. Now, you, me and the other working Joes can help pay for their unemployment checks! Plus they will be unable to spend money in the local economy! Brilliant! You’ve saved the state maybe $30 to $50 million in salary payments, but you’re going to cost us twice as much in unemployment, retail losses, welfare checks and Medicaid costs.

Now here comes the meaty part. Corzine proposes we cut taxes to the 600,000-or-so families that earn less than $30,000 a year, at a cost of $105 million. Included in that will be 400,000 residents who earn $25,000 or less who would pay no income tax. Currently the threshold is $20,000 for a family of four. Ok, for one, no one can raise a family of four on $20,000 or $25,000 in this state. I can’t even support myself and my dogs on $27,500, so unless your kids are eating canned air for dinner and living in a tree stump in the Pinelands, you’re not supporting shit. I guess no taxes for you is fine, because you don’t really make enough to be taxed anyway. I mean, wouldn’t McDonald’s pay better than $25,000 a year, full-time? How hard do you have to try to make that little? How about, instead of just "not taxing" these folks, we just suck it up, admit they are failures and forcibly remove them to Pennsylvania where all the other failures live.

But what I don’t see here is any tax breaks for those of us making $30,000 to $150,000 a year. Why is it that our income group always gets the shaft? We make up a majority of this state, we constitute the largest portion of the workforce, spending force and tax group. We’re the ones shlubbing down Routes 1 and 9 and 3 everyday to our menial jobs, working our butts off (or at least pretending to) so that our kids can be eligible to take out $35,000 loans to afford the college they can’t afford and spend the next fifteen years of their lives paying them off. We’re the ones scraping together a few hundred dollars each year to go blow at the “Jersey Shore” on our sad, pathetic excuses for vacations, and we’re the ones spending our bonuses at the 17,000 semi-fancy Italian restaurants located all over the state. We have a difficult time providing the clothes, cars, food and technical gadgets we want for our kids. Those poor folk – the ones making 20k a year – they get most of that stuff given to them. Little, happy Christian organizations send them food, clothing and even Christmas presents. Hell, they even give them cell phones and computers. WE have to pay for those things ourselves, yet the tax breaks never come to us. The 20k-a-year folk’s kids get free rides to Yale, while WE have to sell our kidneys to send our kids to the County College of Morris. Look, I’m sorry if you’re poor and you call Newark your home, but we middle-classers need to live our lives too, and sometimes it’d be nice if we could get a helpful economic boost, as well.

On a higher note, the budget plan seeks to raise $13 million by charging Medicaid recipients a $2 co-payment per prescription drug, for up to $10 a month, and Medicaid patients using emergency rooms for nonemergencies also would pay a surcharge, saving the state $1.1 million. Wait…they want Medicaid people to pay $2 per prescription? Am I to understand that previously they were paying NOTHING? How is it that the “health insurance” I pay close to $200 a month for STILL makes me pay $20 per prescription, yet these people were getting it all for nothing? And, I’m sorry, but if you’re going to the emergency room for a non-emergency, you should be hit on the head with a tack hammer, thereby making your situation an emergency.

And now for that section on education I promised: “In addition to cutting $169 million in state aid to colleges and universities, the state will not reimburse schools for $125 million in expected salary and fringe-benefit increases.” Sooo….what exactly are we spending the $30 billion on? The last time the state decided it would be a fantastic idea to cut a major chunk from our state schools, tuition skyrocketed. Let me spell out what that means: Once again, middle-class earners have to pay the bill. New Jersey is one of the worst states in the nation for keeping its kids within state boundaries for higher education. No New Jersey senior wants to go to Rutgers, they’d rather go to some foofy school in the Mid-West, like Indiana or Michigan University or, even more arcane, Penn State (yes, I consider Pennsylvania the “Mid-West,” you would too had you lived there). NJIT is just not a big draw, and UMDNJ only exists as a viable college in a strange, alternate dimension. And Princeton doesn’t count, because that’s not a school. That’s where the Future Elitist Assholes of America congregate and talk about lacrosse. So, perhaps we should be utilizing some state funds to help bolster our state higher education system. A good college can do a lot for a state. Afterall, no one with fewer than three heads would even live in West Virginia if it weren’t for the prowess of their state university.

And finally, the part you were all waiting for: What the budget proposal means for your property taxes, already some of the highest in the nation. Well, the budget also calls for cuts to towns, which means HIGHER PROPERTY TAXES. At this point, the state should just come along and confiscate our entire paychecks, because we won’t be using them for anything else anyway. The Corzine administration needs to do some SERIOUS consideration on the housing problem in this state. What average 20-something can afford taxes that near $1,000 a month? This on top of real estate prices that are out-of-control. They can’t, so they, like many of the young folk and newer families in this state, will be moving out of New Jersey, bringing all their tax revenues, salaries and spending force with them. I guess that makes the new slogan more fitting though: “New Jersey, come see for yourself!” — you’ll have to come and see it, because you certainly won’t be able to afford to live here.

Show me the way to the next whiskey bar …

2006-03-17T12:36:00.000-05:00

So, in celebration of St. Patrick’s Day, I’m going to skip the news stories today and instead do a blog about the history of the holiday, its people and some St. Patty’s Day facts. I’m doing this because St. Patrick’s Day is about the Irish, and the Irish are all about beer and that makes it a good topic. Most of this is coming from www.historychannel.com, which means it was originally very boring and monotone, but I’ve jazzed it up a bit. I didn’t hyperlink every other word, just go to that site if you want to learn more.

First, a history of the holiday: St. Patrick’s Day is (shocker) an Irish holiday that celebrates the Patron Saint of Ireland, St. Patrick. March 17 happens to be the day he died, which is why the holiday takes place on this day. This holiday is odd for two reasons. One, why do people celebrate the deaths of saints? Are we really that glad the person died? It’s like, “Woo hoo! I drink to yer death, me laddie! Thanks fer yer religion!” But whatever. Two: St. Patrick wasn’t Irish. He was born in Britain to two British parents. Now, we all know that the British and the Irish are really the same people, but if you try to tell them that, they car bomb your Pontiac. Therefore, I find it odd that the Irish would choose a limey to honor with their most famous holiday. St. Patrick did live in Ireland for many years, however, with quite a few spent as a prisoner after Irish raiders destroyed his British home and took him back with them when he was a teenager. All of this makes for a very heart-warming tale, as many tales associated with religion tend to be.

It is said that St. Patrick, after escaping his imprisonment (which had made him devoutly religious), went back to Britain, became a priest and returned to Ireland to bring Christianity to its people (I call that “payback,” but the Irish seem to view it as a good thing). This fact is (of course) heavily disputed as small pockets of Irish folk already seemed to be brainwashed with the religion before he made his way there, but it wouldn’t be a religious story if it weren’t 67 percent false. St. Patrick is also credited with bringing the Irish the well-known Celtic cross, which is just nifty. However, I think it would have been more useful bringing them something like, a better food source than potatoes or, perhaps, an invention like the umbrella, but whatever. If Ireland wants to honor him for giving it things like three-hour Sunday Mass and a religion that would eventually split and divide the country, I say, “Go for it!”

So, there’s the “true” reason we celebrate March 17, but everyone knows we celebrate it because it gives us an excuse to chug Guinness and a shot of Baileys. That, and we all secretly love to wear green.

And now for some interesting facts about the holiday and/or the Irish:

• There are currently more people who claim Irish descent living in America than there are people living in Ireland. I believe this means we now own the island by default.

• The shamrock was once thought to have been used as a symbol by St. Patrick to represent the holy trinity. Again, this is probably false since the shamrock was used far earlier by the Celts as a pagan symbol to represent the rebirth of spring. In the 1600s, when the English were still taking over Ireland, many Irish used to wear shamrocks as symbols of Irish pride. Personally, I think this would have made a more appealing symbol:

• Corned beef is actually a Jewish dish that the Irish stole because it’s cheap to make. The traditional Irish food served on St. Patty’s Day is Irish bacon and cabbage. Once again, the Jews get the shaft and zero credit for the food.

• What is known today as “Celtic music” was once outlawed when the English were trying to “assimilate” the Irish. Musicians who sang Irish ballads or songs would have been arrested and hanged on the spot. I believe this practice should be re-instated.

• The image of the leprechaun originally had nothing to do with St. Patrick’s Day, until a 1959, Walt Disney film called Darby O'Gill & the Little People was produced. Americans latched onto the image as yet another way to ridicule the “Island O’Drunks” and went with it. Surprisingly, the leprechaun is traditionally a sort of cantankerous faerie in Celtic lore, which I take as a sign that all Irish are secretly gay.

You may click here to take a quiz on how much you know about St. Patty’s Day and the Irish. Your prize for scoring 100% is the knowledge that you’re very well-versed on a group of people who have contributed very little to modern society.

On that note, and to end my piece, I thought I’d compile a list of famous Irish men and women who actually have, in fact, contributed in some way to modern society as a whole. Here we go:.

Ok, that was nice! Anyhoo, enjoy your St. Patty’s Day and don’t drink too hard! Actually, do drink hard, just make sure you puke in green!

Wise investments

2006-03-15T14:48:00.000-05:00

I don’t invest my money. Why? Because I don’t have any. Really, I don’t even get a paycheck. As a friend of mine once said, I simply get a little pile of money every two weeks that I hold onto for other people. For example, I hold some aside for the kind folks at Horizon Blue Cross Blue Shield who decided I cost an extra $60 per month this year, despite the fact that I’m young and have been perfectly healthy.

So, because I don't invest, today’s news story does not affect me directly. However, I have several criteria when I choose which stories to blog on. ‘Related to me personally’ is just one criterion. I also include a “Scumbag Litmus Test” on every story I consider. If the story's litmus comes out as “purple” or “Lice-infested mutant dripping scumbag” on this test, it is also qualified to be blogged. I’m telling you all this because I want you to be involved in the process.

Here's today's story.

Spitzer files suit against H&R Block

So, basically, Joe American was calling up H&R Block hoping the company would steer his investment money in the right direction. H&R said, “Here, put it in this lovely IRA Express Account. You’ll accrue interest; you’ll make big investmenty-bucks. It’ll be great. Only a small annual fee. ”

So Joe American put his retirement nest egg in this investment account and was accordingly slammed with multiple fees that far outweighed any possible interest or profits the accounts would make. In fact, half a million Joe Americans were recommended to invest in these accounts by H&R, and 425,000 of them lost money.

Now, it’s possible that H&R Block initially thought these accounts were good, and that investors would make profits that would far outweigh the little, insignificant “hidden” fees. I could totally see that after the first, oh, 50,000 customers invested. But, um, why the fuck would they continue recommending these accounts when 42,500 of those customers lost money? No make-ey the sense. Oh? What’s that you say? They didn’t care if the customer lost money because they were raking in the dough from the hidden fees? How touching.

Now H&R is in, what my grandmother never said but should have, “A kettle of hot water.” New York’s Attorney General Eliot Spitzer is suing its ass, because H&R “neglected” to mention some of those fees when recommending investors put money in those accounts, and also for recommending accounts that its advisors knew in advance stood very little chance of making profits. Since Spitzer’s announcement this morning, H&R’s stocks have plummeted, and I’ll bet a large number of very peeved investors are taking their business elsewhere, tax season or no tax season.

I wonder if this is what they mean by the “H&R ‘Advantage’?” Like how Uncle Bob always told you that drinking motor oil would put “hair on your chest” but really it was just slowly killing you. That type of “advantage.”

You see, this is why I don’t invest (other than the fact that I have no money) and why I don’t use big firms to help me with my taxes. Because I learned early in life that everyone just wants to take your money, and big companies are full of a lot of everyones, so they want even more money. Any company that claims it wants to help you gain or save money is full of shit and should be avoided. So keep all your money buried in a tin box in your backyard, do your taxes yourself, and never, ever, under any circumstance take part in anything called a “Rattlesnake Roundup.”

Remember that for the future, kids, and you won’t wind up like Willie Nelson. Or maybe you will. I don’t know.

Shit in the corner

2006-03-14T12:09:00.000-05:00

I woke up today with a renewed sense of passion for the world. The sun was shining, it was warm out and the promise of a great, new day was fresh on the horizon. Then I discovered that by tonight the temperature was going to plummet 40 degrees. We may even get snow on Thursday. That just goes to show that every time you think the world is going to give you a pat on the back, it’s really taking a shit in your potted plant in the corner.

Like, for instance, let’s say last June you won a major beauty contest, not only boosting your self-esteem to new heights, but also making you quasi-famous and giving you great connections for future employment in the Aqua Net modeling industry. You’d also recently graduated from school and were moving on to further education. Of course, you were born deaf, so life wasn’t a bowl of cherries, but your accomplishments could be seen as even more of a triumph because they were made in the face of adversity. Then, one day, the birds were singing (which you couldn’t hear, but you figure it sounded nice), the breeze was blowin’ and you were out for a walk when WHAM! A mother fucking Union Pacific train mows you down and ends your young life. It had been honking its horn the entire time it approached you to warn you to get away from the tracks, but you didn’t hear it because you’re deaf. There goes life again, shitting in your ficus. And this time, it ate corn.

Or, let’s say you have a really successful singing career, and have had a long-standing position as the voice of a character on a popular adult cartoon show. You’re making mega-bucks, and you even get to be edgy while doing it. Now, in the past, the show you’re on has been just a little offensive to some very small groups of people. For instance, the show has poked fun at crippled children, children with mental disorders, Jews, Christians, Muslims, Chinese, Indians, the Pope, homosexuality, heterosexuality, god, satan, Jesus, women, men, black people, white people, fat people, skinny people, hicks, and everyone’s famous celebrity, Kathy Lee. But, seeing as none of these groups of people ever included you before, you were never personally offended and figured you’d stay with the show. Afterall, the entire purpose of making fun of … every single person in the world is to point out that we all have faults and should stop being so uptight about them. But then the show’s producers go and make fun of something you cannot accept. Making fun of kids with Autism? That is just fine – those kids half deserve that ridicule. But when the show starts making fun of something as sacred as Scientology, it’s time to hand in your resignation. You don’t understand why it had to be this way. You were doing great, raking in the cash being the voice of a sexy, black chef, but now the show has just gotten downright offensive. It’s just not fair, but it’s also not fair that the world decided to eat extra-spicy chipotle chili last night before making a toilet in your pathos.

But it could be worse. For example, imagine you’re a cow. There you are, chewing your own spit for fun and eating your weight in grass everyday, living ‘the life.’ You’ve got your cow friends to moo and keep you company, and when you get bored you can look for fun shapes made by their spots. Then some dude comes along with “extra special” food for you, and calls it “Cow Soylent Green.” You munch away, relishing the taste of something not-grass, though its beefy, meaty texture is not a food source you’re used to considering you’re a goddamn HERBIVORE. Then, one day a few weeks later, you realize you’re starting to go fucking nuts when the spots on your friends start turning colors and talking to you, telling you to do crazy things like ram yourself into the nearest fence post, or bite your own ass. All of this because, unbeknownst to you, you’d been eating your own friends, whose ground-up body bits made your brain sad. Now you’re headed for the death chamber, and you won’t even get the satisfaction of knowing your body is headed for a better cause — steak. This time, the world skipped the plant and went right for your slippers.

A case of the Mondays...

2006-03-13T14:05:00.000-05:00

*Rubs hands together.* Ahh, Monday. Always so chock full of shitty weather, piss-poor attitudes, road rage and interesting news tidbits. Let’s get started.

First, I’m sad to say that CNN has let me down with a bit of false reporting. I’m talking about this story:

Sean Connery has tumor removed

The article goes on to claim that Connery underwent surgery to remove a small tumor from his kidney.

I don’t understand what is wrong with CNN’s reporting staff, because anyone who had done even a modicum of research would have seen the falsity in this report. I mean, I get that entertainment reporters aren’t usually the smartest bunch, but really. If you can’t excel beyond commenting on what Skinny McAnorexic is wearing at this year’s 20th Awards Red Carpet Gala Event Extraordinaire, then don’t bother coming into work today. Seriously.

You see, anyone who knows anything about Sean Connery already understands that Sean Connery does not grow tumors. The growth found on Connery’s kidney was clearly the last remaining piece of the older, weaker Sean Connery that the current Sean Connery consumed long ago. How that last little bit of imperfection remained is beyond me, but I’m glad Connery has finally managed to expel it. And it didn’t require any surgery, he simply flexed his ab muscles and said something salty and the piece-of-weakness was expelled on its own.

I think I’m going to write CNN a letter. If they’re going to be my primary news source, they really need to shape up.

Anyhoo, onto the next piece:

Lawyer: Milosevic did not alter medication

As you may or may not have heard, former Yugoslavian (Or Serbian or Montenegroian or whatever the fuck that part of the world is being called this week) leader Slobodan Milosevic died over the weekend while in his cell. He was serving time for some minor little war crimes he committed in the 90s, namely the forced deportation of an entire population of people. Nothing major.

There was an earlier article on his death, focused on a battle amongst family members on where to bury the man. I guess it’s a touchy issue since the majority of those living in Kosovo/Bosnia/Croatia hate his guts.

The first article I mentioned raises questions on whether Milosevic took unnecessary medications while in jail to make him sick and make it seem as though his jailers weren’t providing him with adequate medical care, and therefore get him moved to a cushier jail where people sympathetic to his beliefs might be caging him in.

Both of these articles sort of lead me to the same point: Who the fuck cares? The man is dead.

Listen, there is nothing more futile than expelling angry energy arguing with people on the issue of where to bury someone. Want to know why? Because the person who is the subject of the debate is dead. He doesn’t give a flying rat’s ass which hole you bury him in, he’s dead. Dead as a doorknob, which was never living to begin with so I don’t know where that saying comes from. Why don’t you take him out back and bury him below that tree he always liked, just as you did with your German shepherd. This will work just fine because he’s DEAD and won’t realize you buried him next to your dog. Just make sure his rotting carcass won’t spoil your well water and you’re set.

Second, who the fuck cares if he took meds while in jail or not? What are you going to do — arrest him? A.) He was already in jail and B.) He’s DEAD. If he was taking meds to make himself sick, you’ve gotten the last laugh, because he evidently killed himself. If he was given the meds to poison him, then you’ve got about a half million suspects to get started interrogating. Have fun.

Although in a relative peace right now, Kosovo is a sketchy region. The Serbs and Albanians are just ripe for ripping each other’s throats out during yet another war. Perhaps all this energy over a dead man who had committed crimes nearly 20 years ago would be better used in finding ways to maintain the peace in yet another volatile part of the world.

Monday is a good day to discuss the weather, so here’s a weather story:

Ten dead in Midwest twisters

Why is this news? Having a news report about people in trailers dying due to tornados is like having a news report about the sun being responsible for heating the Earth. Uhh, duh!

Just for fun, though, here’s a picture of a destroyed trailer. Let’s all laugh and point.

Here’s one to piss everyone off:

Angry judge questions U.S. death case against Moussaoui

Zacarias Moussaoui, who has “alleged” connections to Al-Qaeda and is considered one of the masterminds behind 9/11 is currently on trial, facing the death penalty for his crimes. Today, the judge on the case announces the death penalty may have to be dropped because some witnesses for the prosecution had been “coached” before coming on stand, which would have been a direct violation of her orders.

Look, I know I’m not an ethics or law expert, but I think there might be times when a little rule bending can be overlooked. Take, for example, a case involving a man whose actions led to the deaths of thousands. In this case, you might be inclined to “not see” a few minor infractions on the part of the prosecution. The defense might make a stink, it might lead to grounds for an appeal, but hopefully, before the appeals case even gets to court, the scumbag has been murdered in jail by a surprisingly patriotic fellow inmate also sitting on death row, conveniently given the cell next to his. And even if “prison justice” isn’t served, the appeals court can say, “What? Witness tampering? I don’t see any witness tampering!” Then he can get the needle anyway and everyone will be happy. Now that’s what I call justice.

I don’t get why our criminal justice system can’t function on a “common sense” ratio sometimes. Like, we don’t send obviously guilty criminals free due to technicalities and we don’t incriminate potentially innocent men on shoddy circumstantial evidence. Seems pretty easy.

And finally, I’d like to end with a service message brought to you all by Tony Soprano. Tony taught us all last night that it’s always best to put old people in nursing homes where they can be ill-treated and forgotten, because if you try and help them at home they’ll only try to kill you and then hide in the closet.

Enjoy your Monday!

Blogettes: The Return of the Dark Side

2006-03-08T11:25:00.000-05:00

It’s time again for blogs-in-brief! Today’s blog is extra special, because it comes complete with visual aids. Don’t get spoiled though, this is just a treat and won’t happen all the time. Mostly because it’s probably a huge copyright infringement for me to be using these images and I don’t want to be arrested. Let’s get to it …

First, look at this awesome fuzzy lobster.

It was discovered by divers in the South Pacific, and scientists have inexplicably named it the “Kiwa hirsute,” which I believe means “The Fabio lobster” in Latin. Actually, when I look at it I see a big white deer tick with hair, an observation that furthers my point that all lobsters are just roaches of the sea.

I don’t really understand the importance of this discovery, other than to point out that there are creatures on this planet that are more weird than we could ever imagine.

On to our second story:

U.N. urged to act on Iran

If you’ve been following the news, you already know that Iran has been under the lamps for a few weeks now, since it has announced it wants to expand its nuclear program without subjecting itself to inspections and restrictions from the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA). A report by the head of the IAEA shows that Iran has only been enriching uranium in 20 centrifuges, and is in the process of enriching 10 more, while thousands are needed to make weapons.

But, oddly enough, something about “Iran” and “nuclear power” sort of unsettles countries like France, Germany, England and the U.S. It’s also mildly upsetting when a country announces it wants to expand its nuclear power, without subjecting itself to the same international inspections and restrictions the rest of the world must follow. So the EU3 and the U.S. have asked that the issue be brought before the U.N. Security Council. All this attention to Iran is fine, and all, as I'm sure no one really wants them to develop nuclear weapons, but I might be a little forward in suggesting that we spend a tiny bit less attention to the 30-or-soo centrifuges Iran has and, perhaps, more attention to the 10-0r-so NUCLEAR FUCKING WEAPONS North Korea already has. Just a thought.

Anyway, let’s say you’re Iran and you want to develop nuclear power for your country. Honestly, you have no desire to build bombs, you just want a cheap, easy alternative to energy to boost power to your growing country, and free up oil reserves so you can make even more profits through exportation. All-in-all, your intentions are golden, and you’re a wee bit tired of the rest of the world thinking that just because your country’s animals *ahem* — people — look like the animals that are blowing themselves up in all the countries around you, that your nuclear intentions must be violent. So, as Iran, perhaps the best way to say, “We don’t want to do anything violent” is to let inspectors in, and agree to follow the international rules regarding nuclear development, and continue on your merry way making nuclear power plants.

What you should not do is threaten “harm and pain” on the U.S. if they make the U.N. Security Council deal with the issue. Because, what that says is, “We are violent.” When you’re trying to convey the image of “not violent,” threatening mass violence is not a great tactic. Just a theory, not sure if you can back me up on that.

On a more important note, I would like to point out how much Condoleeza Rice’s hairstyle looks like Moe from the Three Stooges in this photo. I mean, seriously. What was she thinking?

Story numero tres:

Bonds exposed: New book details superstar slugger’s steroid use

Two San Fran newspaper reporters, Mark Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams, have made it their personal crusade for the past year or so to get to the truth on Barry Bond’s alleged steroid use. It’s long been speculated that Bonds was abusing the performance-enhancing drugs, yet he had always denied it and always passed drug tests in the past. In a new book, Fainaru-Wada and Williams uncover that Bonds has used possibly every steroid known to man.

Now, I’d like you all the look at something for me. Here is a picture of Bonds early in his career:

Ok, now here is an image of him taken only two years ago, well after his alleged steroid use began:

Ok, so … now … someone try and explain to me why it was even a question that Bonds was using steroids. Because you don’t just go from being a healthy, relatively muscular pro athlete to a fucking moose in a few short months without pumping yourself to the gills with big doses of man-hormone. The man went from hitting a home run for every 16-at-bats to hitting a home run for every 8-at-bats in the span of one season, conveniently the season during the Mark McGwire/Sammie Sosa homerun battle and the one after. Either he stumbled across a magical blue genie who granted him his one wish — to have arms thicker than his neck and improve his batting average by double in one season — or he stumbled across a magical blue syringe that felt just great being injected into his ass cheeks.

Now you’ve got people saying he’s “tarnished the image of baseball” and has desecrated an American tradition. I feel bad for people who say this, because they’ve obviously been in a coma for the past few years. As with most professional sports today, there is nothing clean or wholesome about baseball anymore. Professional athletes are vastly a group of celebutante publicity whores who care as much about the fans as they do about a floating turd in the crapper. Today’s sports are: who makes the most money, who has the best agent, who has the hottest girlfriend, who has the biggest house and who has the nicest car. If you make a lot of touchdowns and hit a lot of homeruns, you get more money and can buy more things and more hot girlfriends, so of course you’re going to pump yourself full of drugs to get an advantage. The schmoes who try to behave and treat the sport with honor are never heard of, because the American media doesn’t give a shit about players who work hard and achieve only steady, mediocre success and actually are the ones leading their teams to championships. Nope, they’d rather give press time to people like Bonds and his amazing batting average and his glaringly obvious steroids abuse.

I’m not saying it’s the American people’s fault Bonds took steroids. For that, he only has himself to blame. But it is our fault if we’re kidding ourselves that sports today are anything like sports 50 years ago, or that athletes today are any sort of role models at all. And it’s also our fault if we need a special book to tell us there is something wrong with Barry Bonds. Honestly, if this man had been your hero before this book, you’re probably doomed to die an early death as a result of your own stupidity anyway. Snack on that.

Spreadin' the good word

2006-03-06T15:07:00.000-05:00

Before I start, I’d like to inform you that today’s blog is brought to you by Allah and the letter “F.” The number for the day, 18, was cancelled due to lack of interest.

Here’s the story:

Accused: Campus crash was 'to spread will of Allah'

A UNC student by the name of Mohammed Reza Taheri-azar (hereafter referred to as “Steve” to save myself from having to type such a ridiculous name), decided on Friday that he would take his SUV and drive it through a crowd of students loitering on a popular lawn on UNC’s campus.

“Why did he do this?” you ask? Because he was “spreading the will of Allah.”

That’s what he says anyway, as he’s led smiling into a courtroom to face the nine counts of attempted murder and assault charges he is facing, thanks to his brilliant idea.

Some of you may be confused by Steve’s actions, but I’m not at all. You see, Steve is a very devoted and loyal follower of his peaceful religion, and from his point of view, the students of UNC were desecrating his beliefs and his god. So he asked his god, “God? What should I do to spread your good word and let others know that Muslims should not be feared, killed or hated, but embraced and loved?” And his god said to him, “Steve, the way to deliver the message that Muslims should be accepted is to mow them down with your vehicle.” And Steve said, “Ok.”

You see, what you might not realize is, kids hanging out on a lawn are flagrantly in opposition to the teachings of Islam. For instance, there is a creed hidden deep in the Qur’an that says, “Those who practice the hedonist art of ‘Ultimate Frisbee’ do bite their thumbs at the name and will of Allah!” And don’t forget the famous passage, “If you study sociology while upon the lawns of Allah, you are as sheep to the word of the infidel.”

So Steve thought, if I eliminate these criminals to the ways of Allah, I will free the minds of the rest of the students, and sway their hearts to the goodness of Mohammad’s teachings. And, Steve thought, and what better way to do this than to take the signature American driving machine I purchased and plow them down with a symbol of my own gross excesses?

The frightening thing about Steve is not that he’s said that “truth will be his lawyer” or that he thinks trying to kill some random undergrads is an appropriate and relevant way to avenge Muslims who have died elsewhere in the world, but that he has lived most of his life in America.

Sometimes I excuse those living in the Middle East, because I assume most of those people have grown up with very little access to diverse ideas or open dialogue. I envision them being brainwashed as children to hate the “Western world” and to believe that human life isn’t worth snuff. By the time those people are old enough to really access “reality,” they are too far gone to be swayed. But Steve lived in the U.S. How is it capable to brainwash someone in a country where free thought runs rampant like a naked toddler? How is it someone intelligent enough to get into UNC can’t see that “spreading the word of Allah” is perhaps not best done with mass-killings? How can you live here and still be so callous when it comes to human lives?

The fact is, Islam is a poison and it’s turning mass amounts of people into lunatics. I know Muslims will say, “You cannot judge us all by the actions of one” or “Steve was mentally sick, it was not Islam that led him astray” but, personally, I’m tired of hearing it. And I’m tired of people like Steve turning this country into a fear-fest. How about we strap a nuke to his back and send him to somewhere near the Iraq/Iran border and let him spread our word to the Muslim world? Ka-boom.

The thin-crust of sanity

2006-03-02T15:43:00.000-05:00

I really wasn't feeling a blog on Iraq today, and I'll tell you why: I don't care. Supposedly officials in that country are setting more "curfews" to help stifle the violence that has erupted since the bombing of that mosque last week. You know what? If you need to treat an entire country like a bunch of 11-year-olds who forgot to call home and stayed out with their friends until 2 a.m., then perhaps it's time to say, "Well, this country didn't work out so well, did it?" Then you blow it up, shake your head in sad resignation, and move on.

Anyway, so I found a better story, one closer to all our hearts and one that will effect all of us far more gravely on a daily basis. And that is because it involves pizza, and anything that involves pizza immediately trumps Iraqis killing each other. I'm sure you'll agree.

Here it is:

New Florida town would restrict abortion

Now, I know you're saying, "What does a town restricting abortion have to do with pizza?" Umm..just EVERYTHING. See, this "Town of all Holiness" is the wet-dream of Domino's Pizza founder Thomas S. Monaghan. Thom McGod is taking TWO HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS of his pizza-profits and using them to create this town, centered on the principles of the Roman Catholic Church.

Things you won't find in this town? Porn magazines, birth control, or X-rated TV. Things you will find? A new Catholic University, the "world's largest crucifix" (Ooooh, won't that be pretty? A 65-foot-tall image of a man dying a horrible death! I hope I can see it from my bedroom window!) and a bunch of really boring, really uptight residents. McGod forsees 20,000 residents, which will quickly grow to 180,000 residents in only a few years, thanks to the town's stance on birth control. 155,000 of those new residents, by-the-by, will be born to the teenagers forced to live in a town where condoms are not available and safe-sex is not taught in the local schools.

The town shall be called Ave Maria, as in "Ah, Mother of Mary, this place sure is a shithole." It'll be located somewhere near Naples, Florida and is expected to "open" next year.

Oh yes, ladies and gentlemen. This place is real, and someone actually thinks it's a good idea. Not everyone, though. The ACLU is all in a flutter because they believe the town restricts the constitutional rights of its residents (hola Roe v. Wade). I believe that if you're stupid enough to move into this town, then you deserve to have your freedoms restricted. Obviously you're not capable of making good life decisions on your own. The only thing that makes me hesitate is the fact that these residents will be breeding -- uncontrolled -- and sending their brain-washed progeny into the world. For that, I shudder.

McGod says it's "God's will" that he build this town. He also said that, "I believe all of history is just one big battle between good and evil. I don't want to be on the sidelines." To show God how much of a team-player he is, McGod sold Domino's Pizza in 1998 to "devote himself to doing good works."

All of this makes me very sad. Not so much because someone out there is delusional enough to want to create this town. Not so much that there will be people delusional enough to want to live in it. But more so that for years now, I have enjoyed and eaten Domino's pizza. I probably stopped eating it right around 1999/2000 when I went to Penn State and dedicated myself to consuming Papa John's. But for years prior to that, and -- more importantly -- while McGod was still owner of the company, I was inadvertantly funding this future atrocity. What have I done!? All those nights mindlessly noshing on delicious, thin-crust delights has come back to burn me -- in an ironically similar way those pizzas burned my esophogus through acid reflux.

Refund, please!

Blogettes are fun

2006-03-01T13:44:00.000-05:00

Why is it that one day the news provides absolute dill to blog on, and the next there are nearly 25 stories worth commenting on? I was almost inspired yesterday to write one about this burgeoning “Iraqi Civil War” but then I lost my will to live when forced to attend an office party. You know how it is.

So, since there are so many blog-worthy news snippets today, I thought I’d do little Blogs-In-Brief and just spread my cynicism all over the world. It’s my little way of giving back.

We’ll start out with the most useless one:

Second chance ends with guilty plea

Lionel Tate, the 12-year-old boy who was accused of murder and sent to prison after killing a 6-year-old he claimed to have been “trying out wrestling moves on,” is now going back to prison. For possibly 30 years. Yes, this one-man-crime-wave had been released in 2003 on 10 years probation after a judge overturned his original sentence. Afterall, the boy was only 12 at the time. He needs a chance to show he can live a normal life. That he can overcome what he did and become a productive citizen. That he’s a changed man *ahem* boy. So, to exemplify that, he went out and bought a knife with a four-inch blade, which he was arrested for in 2004. Given “one more chance,” he was released again, at which point he got a brilliant idea. He said to his friends, “Hey, let’s order a pizza, and when the guy comes, I’ll stand behind the door and when he hands us the pizza I’ll wave my GUN in his face and he’ll get scared and run away and we’ll all laugh and hug and share free pizza.” Of course, the pizza deliveryman SAW him do this, led police to him (where they also found the empty pizza boxes with Tate’s fingerprints all over them) and had him dragged back to jail.

Look, if anything is clear here, it’s this: This kid just needs to be killed. No more jail, no more probation, no more “second chances” or shots of his mother sobbing for her “poor boy.” No. Lovely Lionel has made it very clear that he’s just a giant pile of useless crap, that if given the chance he will do everything in his power to fuck it up. He doesn’t care about his life, or others lives, or following rules or laws or basic human decency. He’s an animal, an animal that is wild and out of control and needs to be put to sleep. Kill him, try again with someone else.

Ok, story No. 2:

Bush makes first Afghan visit

Yes, on his way to India Bush said, “Well, heck, since I’m in the neighborhood, I mine as well make a little pit-stop in Afghanistan.” Look, I know he’s the President and all, and that he can’t take undue risks or put himself “in the line of fire” because the country would be sent into turmoil the minute they realized Dick Cheney had just become our leader, but venturing to Afghanistan like five years after the “war” there ended seems a little after-the-fact. It’s not like he’s braving the dark alleyways of downtown Baghdad with a shirt on that reads, “I love to eat Shiite.” And what did he do on this little PR Trip of Fantasy? He met with the dubiously-elected Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai, and discussed with him how merry, fair and jolly democracy is (especially when it’s not democratic or fair at all), and how proud he is of Afghans for recently voting so recently in the recent Parliamentary elections that just happened recently in SEPTEMBER. He also brought up some guy named Osama Bin Laden, whom he said Americans are still searching for, and who will be brought to justice for September 11. If any of you know who this guy is, please let me know. Because for about three years now, I’ve been told it’s Iraq that we hate and Saddam Hussein who we were hunting for for harboring and creating terrorists, so now I’m really confused.

Oh, and his talks in India? Yeah, those are about how we want to give India the methods and means to create wide-spread nuclear energy, and how India wants to do this without signing anything that will promise they won’t use the technology for creating more nuclear weapons. Sounds like a swell idea, I’m sure it’s making our “allies in the war on terror,” the terrorist-harboring, training-camp-funding Pakistanis, really happy.

On to story three:

Saddam calls for Iraqi unity against U.S.

*Sigh* Since a bombing of a golden-domed Shiite Muslim shrine in Samarra, the Sunni and Shiite Muslims have been going at it full-force in Iraq. Nearly 400 have been reported dead, though some journalists in the country think the numbers are far higher and that local officials are covering up some of the destruction. Both U.S. and local forces are trying to calm the uprising by imposing mandatory curfews, some even during the day.

Ok, here’s the thing. What if we just don’t do anything at all and let them kill each other until no one is left? I mean, really, what’s the issue with that? Why are we trying AT ALL to preserve peace amongst people who can’t stop killing each other long enough to kill each other? Some of the attacks are outright stupid — some pissed off Muslim goes into a crowded city area and blows himself up. What the fuck does that do for your religion? How do you even know you killed enemies? These people have made it glaringly obvious — like big, red flashing light with trumpet music obvious — that they can’t be calm, peaceful or civilized. So, stand back and watch as they destroy themselves. When it’s all over, you’ll have a nice patch of land to drill some oil from, if you can find it under all the bullets and shrapnel.

I’m glad Hussein is trying to unite his people against a common evil: us, but even he has to realize Iraqis are a bunch of rabid, mental psychos who can’t unite behind anything without killing it first. Secretly, I’ll bet he wishes troops would just let the whole country kills themselves, too. Then there’d be no one left to testify against him and his war crimes.

Last story:

$1.5 million painting gets 12-year-old’s gum

Not THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is funny. More stories like that, and I wouldn’t even have to make jokes. That kid is a hero to all kids everywhere who were dragged to museums on field trips and forced to stare at horrible works of art without even being educated as to what they are looking at. It doesn’t get much better.

Carnevale of Errors

2006-02-27T10:52:00.000-05:00

Last night's Closing Ceremonies to Torino's 2006 Winter Olympics ended in a flag-waving flurry of acrobatics, ebullient excess and captivating child choral pieces. It left this viewer with a feeling of overwhelming peace and pride in a world where such camaraderie — namely fifty nations swaying together in a mass dance party — seems easily accomplished. It also reminded me that I'm scared of clowns.

It has seemed both an eternal journey and a brief venture these past 14 days, and although we wound up on top of the medal count (falling behind only Germany, which is the right way of things), I'm left wondering if America truly came out as the sparkling, blue-eyed love child it always deems itself to be.

Take, for instance, Golden Boy Bode Miller Machismo — predicted to bring home several medals in alpine skiing events. Why was so much press dedicated to a man who has accomplished nothing more in moral character than some of the worst junkies on the streets of Newark? If his drinking weren't bad enough, his loud-mouthed attitude and unsubstantiated opinions sure close the gap. I mean, this is a man who doesn't just have fans — he has a following. People who purport his "beliefs" as something to aspire to. What he makes me aspire to is never to home school my kids, because clearly they turn out to be socially inept and have bad attitudes. I'm sorry, but I don't think it embodies the "Olympic spirit" to say, "I don't care what others think or if I win, I'm just here to have fun." Then you go drink yourself silly and come to events hung over. The reason this doesn't embody the Olympic spirit is because it makes you lose, a theory Bode proved throughout Torino. Golden Boy Machismo will be coming home medal-free. A national disappointment. But I guess he doesn't care, because Johnnie Walker will always love him anyway. Way to represent the U.S.

Then we have Sasha Cohen, the freak imp child who told reporters that some day she hopes to be a fashion designer and model. Has she seen her face? I wonder if she'll succeed at that as well as she has at ice-skating, and fall off the runway at every big show. When Michelle Kwan announced she couldn't perform at these Olympics, the American media was in a panicked, rabid, froth-mouthed frenzy to find another American lady to push us to love (and push the NBC ratings back where they belonged). After all, we need someone to don a Wheaties box, and we need that someone NOW. But the press couldn't really decide if we should love Hughes version 2.1 or Sasha. The press treated them like two mistresses, giving a little lovin' to each, but never really making a commitment to either. When Cohen grabbed first place after the short program, it was all-Sasha-love, all-the-time. But two nights later, God remembered that Sasha Cohen had aspirations to be a model. He also remembered that she's supposed to choke under any sort of pressure. So he made her drop on her face to remind her that she'll always be a failure, and always be ugly. This is the way of things.

Or how about the feud between Shani David and Chad Hedrick? You know what really says "Olympic spirit" to me? Opting out of a team race where you could potentially lead your country to a gold because you want to "save yourself" for a personal-gold-medal-opportunity the following night. For one, how the hell would you still be tired from a race 24 hours previously, and enough so that it would effect your race the next night? You're a goddamn Olympic athlete. Shouldn't your legs be able to handle two races in a row? Have you never skated on back-to-back nights before? Second, as the first black athlete to win a gold medal in the games, shouldn’t you be acting as a role model for blacks throughout the states? As a role model, perhaps you might not want to embody the very definition of “selfish” when teaching young, black boys and girls what it means to succeed despite adversity. Maybe you could deliver the message: “Being a team-player is important” to a group of Americans who are more at war with each other and the rest of the country than any other race. And Hedrick was no upstanding citizen in all this either. I still don’t know why he felt it was his personal responsibility to call David out on his selfishness. Because the best way to inspire someone else to be a team player is probably not to single him or her out. At the press conference after the 1,500 I half expected these two to start bitch-slapping each other. "You're a bastard!" "No, you're a bastard!" Nothing says "America in the Olympics" like a bitch-slapping feud. It makes me reminiscent of a good knee-whacking, hit-man style.

I could always point out the U.S. Hockey team as a failure, as well, but I won't acknowledge they exist anymore, so I can't. I can say this, though. In the future, it might behoove us to send players who actually want to be at the Olympics, as opposed to a bunch of hot-shot "Me Me Me!" pros who don't give a shit about much more than how padded their wallets are and how much air-time they are getting.

For many American athletes, these events seemed to be more about having drunken fights with friends in alleyways, or choking at the last minute due to showboating rather than coming out, being disciplined and kicking foreign ass. Did the U.S. Olympics Committee get confused and accidentally send a bunch of 20-year-old frat brothers in place of the true athletes? Athletes are supposed to be people we admire, the types who work past limitations, beyond naysayers and above drawbacks. The types who come back from horrific falls on their hips to win the Giant Slalom, not opt out of them. The types who take their medal earnings and donate them to worthy causes. The types who "do it for mom" who is back at home, hooked up to a dialysis machine. And though those types were, of course, present, there were few and far between with American blood, and those who stood up and made us proud always seemed to be in the shadow of taint left by their fellow teammates. Once again I feel like we haven't shown the world that we're any sort of "golden boys and girls," but really just a group of loud-mouthed clowns with too little sense and too much attitude. We come in with a lot of bravado, but in the end everyone knows it’s all talk.

Hoo-rah.

Gee, that didn't work the last time. Let's do it again!

2006-02-23T11:46:00.000-05:00

Katrina report calls for urgent changes

White House study finds pervasive failures through government

The Katrina report I referred to yesterday (see previous blog) was released earlier today, providing us all a glimpse of what our government thinks it can do to improve disaster response after the dismal efforts in New Orleans.

I was joking around when I said Recommendation No. 4 should be: “Don’t just not do things when a hurricane hits,” but basically, that was the gist of the entire report.

WASHINGTON (AP) -- A White House report concluded Thursday that inexperienced disaster response managers and a lack of planning, discipline and leadership contributed to vast federal failures during Hurricane Katrina.

Sooo…basically what you’re saying is, everything contributed to the failures during Hurricane Katrina? I mean, you can’t lack much more than planning, discipline and leadership. Well, I suppose you could lack foresight and, say, purposely crash rescue helicopters into the ocean in the belief that doing so would be really fun and you won’t need them later anyway … but barring that, there really isn’t much more that can be lacking.

Here’s my next favorite “recommendation” in the report:

The 228-page report by White House homeland security adviser Frances Fragos Townsend urges changes in 11 key areas -- mainly in better disaster relief coordination among federal agencies -- before the next hurricane season begins June 1.

Hmm…yes, better coordination. Good idea, but I feel like I’ve heard this all before. Like, those exact ideas. Gosh, I wish I could remember where I heard them — darn short-term memory loss.

OH! I know! It was that little event that happened a couple of years ago. You may remember it as SEPTEMBER FUCKING ELEVENTH. Who did the government decide to blame for that one? Oh, that’s right — the CIA, NSA and the FBI for NOT COMMUNICATING BETTER. Funny, because, I remember their solution to that being the HOMELAND SECURITY DIRECTOR. That dude from Pennsylvania (and now his successorette) who were supposed to IMPROVE COMMUNICATION AND MAKE US BETTER PREPARED FOR DISASTERS. Instead, all they’ve seemed to have done is develop a pretty color system to tell us all how scared we should be, and perfected their Snood skills.

Good job. You know, if I had done half as well in college as the government has at Homeland Security, I might be aspiring to burger-flipper at McDonalds right now.

In fact, the CNN article goes on to say:

Townsend's review cites failures at a half-dozen federal agencies, and singles out Homeland Security in particular for lacking fast communication with emergency responders and the public, and an inadequate system for stockpiling supplies before a disaster hits.

…

Like, seriously, what the fuck is Homeland Security even doing? Because clearly it’s not anything to do with Homeland Security. For an office that should have been under the highest scrutiny (afterall, Bush’s administration has put the ‘War on Terror’ as a top priority and would have us all think that terror attacks are possible every minute, every day, every where), no one seems to know that everyday, the entire office just goes to work and has dance-offs to “Oooh baby baby (Push it).”

So here’s what Bushie had to say on the whole thing and the response by his pet H.S. department: "We will learn from the lessons of the past to better protect the American people." You know what? How about, for the future, we try to plan things so that, say, thousands of people don’t have to die for our government to get their goddamn asses in gear? That’s why the government is there — to prevent disasters, or at least mitigate their damage, not just feel bad about them after.

Bushie then followed up his genius statement with this one, “"I wasn't satisfied with the federal response,” after which he was handed the award for the No Shit Comment of the Year. Congrats.

A special House committee also ran its own investigation of the response efforts, and found that it might have helped had Bush gotten involved a little earlier. I don’t know what this report is talking about. I mean, he was there like a week after the hurricane hit, and even left his vacation a few days early to get there and tell Brownie how good of a job he was doing. How much earlier did they want him to get there? Isn’t five days soon enough for a man who has access to aerial transport any minute of the day he requests it? And anyway, he had to compete for vacation time with Cheney, who was off fly-fishing, and probably busy working out the fish-hooks he'd gotten in his friends' eyes.

But my favorite part of the CNN article comes at the end, where the House committee cites its solution to the entire problem:

It called for establishing a National Operations Center to coordinate disaster response at all levels of government for future crises.

It’s good to see our representatives thinking outside the box and coming up with solutions that work. Because based on “what we’ve learned in the past” we’ve seen that creating departments to coordinate offices is extremely effective. In fact, it worked so well last time that now we need an office to coordinate the office that we created the first time to coordinate offices. I just wish my wardrobe could be that coordinated. I’d look like Screech on acid.

Here’s my solution, let’s see if it’s too complicated. How about, instead of spending billions of dollars on, say, a war no one wants or sending money to governments that sponsor terrorism, we take that money and put it away for a “rainy day.” (No pun intended). We can call that account the “Disaster Relief Fund.” It could contain money that we WOULDN’T have to steal from the poor and elderly at the last minute. Then, we get someone to make a clear and accessible account of how many rescue helicopters, planes, ships and vehicles there are in the country — both Federal-owned and local-owned. Then we can, you know, coordinate with local governments if Anywheretown, Tx. needs 30 ambulances and Nexttoanywheretown, Tx. has 15 to spare. If you’re afraid Jihad Muslimite will use that information to try to suicide-bomb some of our rescue copters and “sabotage” us, keep the files on a “Need to Know” basis. Last, we designate specific places in each area of the country where mass amounts of people can be sent if the area they are living in must be evacuated. We somehow found a nice big plot of land when we wanted to inter all the Japanese on the West Coast, I think we could do it again for the sake of our people. Have easily-constructed trailers, stockpiled food and water and meds ready in warehouses across the country near these places. I mean, jesus christ people — is it really that difficult?

The fact is — and you all know it — nothing is going to happen as a result of Katrina. Bushie will say what he has to to look good for right now, but he doesn’t really care if half the country slides slowly into a tar pit and dies. He doesn’t. He’s equally unconcerned if the U.S. is ready to handle another disaster. So all they’re going to do is create some new committee, Bushie will promote one of his big-money cronies to run it, and the next time something big hits the U.S. everyone involved will try to find the most creative way to blame everyone else for the poor response as hundreds of American citizens die. Woo-hoo. Progress is so exciting.

125 ways not to be a fuck-up of a government

2006-02-22T16:25:00.000-05:00

Katrina report: 125 ways to fix disaster response White House study to be released Thursday

WASHINGTON (AP) -- The White House will make 125 recommendations for how the government could have reacted better to Hurricane Katrina in a report to be released Thursday on the catastrophe and the Bush administration's response to it.

Oh. Only 125 ways? Well, it’s good to see that the room for improvement is not too large.

I’ll bet I know ways Nos. 1-5

1.) Stop being stupid.
2.) When lots of scientists say, “The levee is going to break, we need more funds,” next time, give them more funds instead of cutting them.
3.) Try to hire people for FEMA who have something on their resumes related to — in any way — disaster management.
4.) Don’t just not do things when a hurricane hits.
5.) Maybe spend a little less protecting unpopulated farmland and nonsense in Bumblefuck, America, and a little more on things we actually need for Homeland Security.

These are just theories, of course. The actual recommendations might be worded somewhat differently.

Well, at least he has our best interests at heart ...

2006-02-22T13:35:00.000-05:00

Ok, so this story is a few days old, but it clearly deserves comment. In fact, maybe more than a comment. Maybe something like an extended scream.

Bush, Congress clash over ports deal

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- President Bush is defending a deal that would let a United Arab Emirates-based company run some key U.S. seaports, telling reporters that he would veto any bill to hold up the agreement.

So, basically, the British company that formerly held control of these ports has been bought out by Dubai Ports World, the UAE-based company.

The deal is set to go through March 2, when the UAE company would be able to set standards at the five ports the British company currently runs: New York and New Jersey; Philadelphia, Pennsylvania; Baltimore, Maryland; Miami, Florida; and New Orleans, Louisiana. Basically, the company will “control operations” — provide and run the equipment needed to run a port, provide some staff, etc.

Initially, the deal was approved by the “Federal Committee on Foreign Investments in the United States, which includes representatives of the FBI, Pentagon and Treasury, Commerce and Homeland Security departments.” ~ CNN.com. You know, the same group that approved the sale of Unocal to the Chinese and has watched as the U.S. Trade deficit has soared to record heights. When Congress found out about the deal, there was some disconcertion, and several Reps and Senate members decided they would try to block it.

So what does our President decide to do? He comes out saying he will “veto” any bills that block the deal. He’s pulling the “racist” card on Congress, saying it’s unfair to hold an Arab-based company to a higher standard than a British one.

You know, I have to agree with Bushey on this one. Afterall, it’s not like any Arab nations have ever done anything to us to make us not trust them. It’s not like we’re at war with one. It’s not like the UAE was a source for 9/11 terrorist bank accounts, or the homeland for two hijackers. It’s not like the leader of the Emirates is connected with Osama bin laden. It’s not like the UAE is being questioned internationally for shoddy business practices, discrimination, or human rights violations. I don’t see why we’d want to hold them up to a different standard.

Plus, the UAE is the third-largest oil producer in the Persian Gulf, a fact that blue-blood, white-bread Americans need to keep in mind when it comes to their precious tax dollars. Afterall, without dipping into the pockets of rich oil barrens, how would we ever afford tax breaks for the top one percent of the country? How else could we fund Bush-the-Oil-Sheik’s philanthropic efforts to find us alternative energy sources when his own budgets have cut funding to that area since he took office?

And of course, White House officials are assuring us that having an Arab-based company will not affect the safety and security of our ports.

“It's critically important for your viewers to understand that port security in the United States is charged to the U.S. Coast Guard and the United States customs office," Presidential adviser Dan Bartlett told CNN's "American Morning."

Yes, yes. Of course. The U.S. will still police our own ports — how relieving. Don’t worry about that man behind the curtain, Dorothy, just keep your eyes focused on the pyrotechnic display in front of you and you’ll be fine.

As a friend of mine so aptly pointed out, we elected President Bush to represent us — the people. You know, U.S. citizens. The outcry against this Dubai company taking over our ports has been loud-and-clear, with Sen. Charles Schumer, D-New York saying he has had more phone calls to his office on this issue than any other in his 14 years on Congress (as quoted in the original CNN article).

THE AMERICAN PEOPLE NO-LIKEY. So why is it that our President is fighting against the will of both Congress and the people?

Hmmm…is it because elephant-walking with oil-barren Arabs has always been a practice of the Bush family? Is it because Bush is in his second term and is showing, now more than ever, that he really doesn’t give a flying fuck about the American people when his wealth and power is at stake?

All I have to say is, “Good job, red states!” Way to elect someone who has your values at heart. We can be assured no more boobs will make an appearance on prime-time, but that’s probably because we’ll all be dead when the UAE starts importing biological weapons in Newark this March.

Maybe God hates you, and that's why he made you retarded.

2006-02-21T16:06:00.000-05:00

Ok, I know I've already posted today, but I just could not pass this one up. I mean, it's priceless. Really.

The headline from CNN.com:

Bikers roll to military funerals to oppose anti-gay protests

You know kids, you just can't make this stuff up.

Yes, there is a man out there, by the name of Rev. Fred Phelps, leading protests across the nation at FUNERALS for SOLDIERS WHO DIED IN IRAQ. Why? Because Phelps and his believers all think that God is killing soldiers in Iraq because the soldiers are defending a country — The U.S. — that harbors homosexuals.

Here is a lovely quote from Phelps' daughter, who is also an attorney for the 'church':

"The scriptures are crystal clear that when God sets out to punish a nation, it is with the sword. An IED is just a broken-up sword," Phelps-Roper said. "Since that is his weapon of choice, our forum of choice has got to be a dead soldier's funeral."

Oh, I can totally see the logic there. This is the same church, of course, that also cheered during 9/11 and after last year's Tsunami disaster. Oh, and did you know that God also smote New Orleans with Hurricane Katrina? It's true. And it's because of gays. I don't know why San Fran is still standing, to tell you the truth. You can read all about that, and other genius ideas, at www.godhatesfags.com.

I never thought I would ever say, "I applaud bikers" but...I applaud bikers. Well, the ones who have formed the "Patriot Guard Riders" anyway, as their main focus is to ride out to soldiers' funerals and carry so many flags and shout so many patriotic phrases that the protests of Phelps' church are drowned out. If I were a biker (and thankfully, I am not) I'd ride right along with them.

You can't even call Phelps' group a "church" anyway, since it is mainly comprised of his "extended family." Basically, it's a small group of in-bred retards who have taken their collective mental illnesses and directed them toward one goal: hatred. But I'm glad to see them finally making a good-PR move. There's no better way to gain membership for your church than to protest at the funerals of young men and women who died servicing our country.

What I would like is to know how these people have the time to dedicate so much energy and hatred to a group of people who effect their lives...well...not at all. If they could find a way to bottle that free time, I'd like to buy some. That's all I have to say.

You're a monkey — deal with it.

2006-02-21T10:31:00.000-05:00

You know, if you're ever feeling short on a good rant, read an article about religion. The sheer stupidity of what will be said should be more than enough to inspire you to lose your cool. Well, anyway, it works for me.

Here's my pick from CNN.com today:

Scientists enlist clergy in evolution battle

Here's why this is news: It seems that in several school districts across the country, small groups of people were fighting (unsuccessfully) to get "Intelligent Design" and "Creationism" included as theories taught alongside evolution in science classes.

The groups, of course, were not directly asking for “Creationism” or “Intelligent Design” to be taught, because this is an obvious breech of the First Amendment. Instead they vaguely requested that “alternative theories” be taught, ones that questioned the validity of Darwin’s.

Soooo…the Boards of Education, surprisingly not being complete morons, saw through this plan and voted against teaching “alternative theories” in science classes. Why? Because “alternative theories” are FUCKING RELIGIOUS. It also probably helped that more than 40,000 scientists and teachers (you know, people with brains), part of a group called the Campaign to Defend the Constitution outright protested the entire idea from the beginning.

Who the hell are these people fighting for Creationism and Intelligent Design in the classroom? Have they completely lost track of “no government established religion?” Do they need to go read about the goddamn Scopes-Monkey Trial like the rest of us did in fourth grade?

The funny thing about the CNN.com article I headlined above is that scientists are now trying to pit the two groups against each other: Creationists vs. Intelligent Designers. I think that’s sort of like a wheelchair-bound kid with autism battling a kid with a bad stutter and leg braces. Namely, someone might win, but they’ll both still be retarded cripples.

See, here’s the basic theory behind intelligent design: Life is too complex to be random. That’s like me making a theory: Intelligent designers are too stupid to have evolved from monkeys. Gee…that works! Let’s go with it. Come on now, though — what the fuck does that even mean? “Life is too complex.” Complex how? Like you can’t figure out the difference between a “Venti” and a “Tall” at Starbucks? Like that mountain over there has a lot of plants on it? How about life is too complex for some omnipotent old dude to have created it all? How about that? No one is creative enough to have thought of both the aardvark and the platypus. How about the fact that life on Earth came about due to a random, lucky course of events and the billions upon billions of different organisms that took advantage of those events?

And Creationism? Don’t even get me started on that one. Sooo, what you’re saying is, we all came from two people, and we’re now living in one big incest-fest? And, correct me if I’m wrong, but I’ve always seen Adam and Eve pictured as two brunette or blond white folks. So explain to me how that accounts for, say, BLACK people or ASIANS or the guys who work at my local 7-Eleven? Also, no Christian has been able to successfully explain to me where the mysterious women come from who mate with Cain and Abel. None of it makes any sense, because it’s downright stupid to think God made some garden, plopped down a dude, told him not to touch a certain tree, then ripped out his rib and made him a chick from it (who had to be submissive and “watched”) who then ate from the forbidden tree, which made them sad to be naked and got them thrown out in the cold and made child birth a bitch. See how stupid that sounds?

Here’s the thing. With evolution, scientists have discovered tiny things called “facts” that prove it is a viable theory. Things like “fossils.” You may have heard about them, I assure you they are real. I’ve been to the Smithsonian. I’ve seen them myself. Ironically, there are no “facts” supporting either Creationism or Intelligent Design. That’s why, if you want your kid to be a fucking moron and believe in those theories, you have every right to teach them in your home, but not in state-sanctioned schools. I don’t even know what I would have done in grammar school if my science teacher, upon finishing her lesson on evolution, had said, “Oh, and by the way, it’s possible that nothing I just said ever occurred and actually some dude up in the sky just clapped his hands and BOOM — there we were. You decide what you want to believe.” The fact is, you have 18 years to influence your children by dragging them to church and making mandatory Bible readings on Thursday nights. The school system can’t do everything for you. If you want to brainwash the future leaders of America, do it yourself.

If you're eating french fries, you deserve to die anyway.

2006-02-20T10:56:00.000-05:00

Ok, as my first "true" blogspot rant (the other blog was cut-and-paste from my former MySpace profile blogs) I thought, "What better a topic than little deep-fried sticks of death?" I'm sure that's what you were thinking as well.

CNN.com was a little dry in the rant-worthy well of new stories today, but I discovered this little gem hidden amongst the links toward the bottom of the page:

McDonald's sued over fries ingredients

CHICAGO, Illinois (AP) — McDonald's Corp. faces at least threee lawsuits claiming the fast-food giant misled the public after it acknowledged earlier this week its french fries contain milk and wheat ingredients.

Now, the first part of this that makes me a bit confused is whya french fry would contain milk or wheat products in the first place. McDonalds claims it is to aid in flavor, which makes me worry: How fucking awful are your potatoes that you need to add random shit to disguise the taste? See, I was always taught that a french fry was just a potato. This potato was cut into little string-sized slices (unless you're making "steak fries," which are lazy-person french fries that are cut into wedges), then cooked in a big vat of bubbling grease until crispy on the outside. A little salt and a little kethcup and you're good to go. You know — "Ding, fries are done!" Pretty simple stuff. So when you get around to adding things like milk or — even more inexplicably — wheat, you're starting to make a simple thing far too complicated. This is where you get yourself into trouble.

So, of course some folks with Celiac disease ate some fries and became sick. Why this hasn't happened before, since McDonald's has been selling the same fries for decades, is beyond me.

Okay, for one, celiac disease is stupid. How did that one survive the Darwinist-days of caveman times? Anyone who could not process a major staple in our diet should have died off long before they could reproduce. And if it's not genetic, you should just be killed at birth anyway to save us all the trouble of having to accomodate your disability. You probably force people to go to special restaurants that serve wheat-free food products made with nasty non-glutens and other freak wheat substitutes. These strange substitutes probably help cause cancer in everyone around you. Therefore, you're a cancer. Therefore, you should kill yourself and stop spreading un-wellness.

Secondly, you're eating fucking McDonald's french fries. If you said to yourself, "Hey, today I'd like to go buy myself a big, ol' container of 'The Worst Thing You Can Eat'" then you deserve to die anyway. I don't want to hear your whiney, pathetic, "Oooohhh...I can't eat wheat! Boo hoo! Now I am sick and am going to sue you!" No. You're probably an obese, sedentary greaseball who decided that your strange wheat disease wasn't enough to kill you, so you needed to ingest a food product high in sat fats, sodium and easily-processed sugars. Sorry if I don't feel bad for you. Perhaps I should sue you for making my health insurance higher when you get heart disease and hypertension.

Oh, and don't worry — I saved the best for last. Apparently, someone also figured out the fries contained milk products. But the person sueing over this is not lactose intolerant, perhaps because having the shits for a few hours is not really grounds for a $1.2 million payout (unless you argue having the shits left you emotionaly damaged, which is understandable). No, the person sueing over the milk products is a VEGAN, who is arguing that she is emotionally distraught because she has made a personal resolve never to eat animal products, and has now done so without realizing it. Holy. Fucking. Shit. You know what? I hope those fries give that person some serious illness, because the sooner they die the sooner the world will be a better place.

It goes without saying that we're superior.

2006-02-20T10:30:00.000-05:00

I'm a bit confused. And it's not just because I was dropped on my head as a child — though that does explain many things. See, for the first time ever, really, I've been following the Olympics. They're actually quite exciting and fun to watch, even if I don't understand half of the sports (what the fuck is the Skeleton?).

CNN, my favorite website as I'm sure you've all noticed by now, has a lovely little "Medal Tracker" feature that shows which countries are in the lead for overall medals, and who has the most gold, silver and bronze.

What confuses me is that goddamn Norway has been in the lead since the start. Today I see they have a total of 13 medals, while the U.S. has a measly nine.

Nine!!?

What the hell are we doing letting Norway beat us in overall medals? And not just beat us, but beat us by FOUR! We were almost catching up yesterday, when it was nine vs. eleven, but then we let those fools get another silver and bronze.

This leads me to only one just conclusion, that Norway is a bunch of goddamn cheaters who all need to be disqualified from competing. There's no way in hell they won a Snowboarding medal without paying off a judge. It's probably those deviant French judges again. Weren't they the ones responsible for the mess in Salt Lake? The only ones judging snowboarding should be Americans, anyway, since we invented the sport and are the only ones who actually know what the hell it's about. Actually, the U.S. should be the only ones judging all the sports, since the rest of the world is a bunch of heads-up-their-asses morons who don't even know how to make a proper hamburger. We also need to get rid of the Biathalon, where the Norwegians accrued FOUR metals. The Americans apparantly suck at all events Biathalon, so nixing it altogether would benefit the entire world. Or just us. Whatever, we're all that matters anyway.

I am happy to report, however, that we have the most overall gold. This, at least, confirms the righteous way of the world — namely, that Americans are superior to everyone. Germans are tied with us for overall medals, another no-brainer, since Germans are also a superior race. Well, at least the German athletes with blond hair and blue eyes are. They are the only athletes Germany allows to compete anyway because any brunette athlete who shows promise in that country is immediately killed. Except that one male figure skater who did the pairs competition. I think he might have been partially black, and therefore probably killed the real German athlete in the locker room, then took his place hoping no one would notice. I did, though, and I'm going to tell.

The last thing I'm somewhat concerned about is our hockey team. Our Olympic hockey team is supposed to pave an easy path to the championship game against Canada. We're supposed to go home with an easily-won silver or gold. Sometimes we have to lose to the Canadians. It's a sad state of affairs, but if we didn't let Canada win at their national sport sometimes, they might just all get so depressed that the entire country would kill themselves. I mean, they have to live in Canada, that in itself is enough to make you want to kill yourself. So sometimes you need something to be happy about. Anyway, last night the U.S. Olympic hockey team -- made up of 23 NHL professional players -- TIED to LATVIA with a 3-3 score.

They tied.

With LATVIA.

LATVIA! Latvia only has three pros on its team, one of which is a craptacular goalie who sucked up the ice in the NHL, yet was able to stop like 39 shots last night.

Who, other than the Italians, who don't even know what hockey is, ties with Latvia? I mean, what is Latvia? Is that even a country? How are they even allowed to play hockey? You would think that 23 pro-athletes would beat the living shit out of a team mostly comprised of amateurs. You would think that Latvian blood and teeth would have made a nice border around the sideboards of the rink. You would think we would have won with a nice, non-aggressive score of 16-1.

But no. We tied.

Some actually decent teams are awaiting us next, like the countries that actually play hockey. Skeptics are saying the U.S. is lucky if we get a medal at all this year, let alone a silver or gold.

If those fucks can't bring us home a medal, I say they don't come home at all. That's like....like...the U.S. losing at basketball in the Olympics! It just doesn't happen!!!

What?

What's that?

The U.S. basketball team did lose in the last Olympics? But what about the "Dream Team"? What about the fact that we're the only country to play it professionally? What about...?

Well, fuck it all, then.