Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Wish you were here

I'll have to preface this blog by saying that, in all honesty, I do hope for the safety and well-being of ALL civilians in Lebanon, and that any Americans who are currently within the country find their ways home in one piece.

With that said, what the fuck are you doing in Lebanon? I mean, did you even check a map before traveling to that country? Do you see where it is?

Before this little war erupted, I knew of little about the hostilities between Israel and the Hezbollah. This is because I am American and therefore ignorant of foreign affairs and too arrogant to care. However, had I been planning to travel to a country, I might, uh, read up on some of the, uh, safety issues involved with traveling there. Things like "a major militant political party, sympathetic to the Syrians and Iranians, rules much of Lebanon," might have been a good thing to know about in advance.

Even if you have family in Lebanon, you don't go visiting those people! You do your best to get those people the fuck out of Lebanon and to the U.S. to come visit you! Because here we have things like modern electronics and indoor plumbing. We also do not have Hezbollah, nor do we border highly volatile Middle Eastern countries. Nor are we having "border wars." And if those family members won't leave Lebanon, you start sending them postcards about how great America is. How we all live in mansions and eat like kings and ride to work on unicorns. YOU DON'T GO VISIT THEM.

But let's say you DO go visit them. First step is TOTALLY to take your daughters and baby with you. Because nothing says "kidnap my kid and put her into sex trafficking" like parading your blonde-haired 9-year-old American girl child through an impoverished, semi-desperate chauvanist country.

Look, I understand it was a real shocker to your vacation when Israel began bombing the airports, but what exactly do you expect the embassy to do in seven days? HELLO!?!? YOU ARE IN LEBANON! THIS is why people don't travel to these countries. This exact reason. Because things like bombings happen in these countries and then, guess what? Things go to shit.

America (thankfully) does not run the world. Sure we are rich. Sure we are powerful. Sure we make the finest hamburger. But that doesn't mean we can just barge on into Lebanon and say, "Excuse me, I've come for my people" and pluck out all the Americans and fly them home on golden dragons! THEY BOMBED THE MOTHER FUCKING AIRPORTS! Where the fuck is America going to fly you out of??? Their assholes? There are no American buses, there are no American cars, there are no American planes. Because it's Lebanon, not America. Just because we're a relatively good country and modern and stuff doesn't mean we can just do anything for stupidly stranded citizens. These things will take time.

So -- you know what? You can just calm the fuck down and have some patience. Stop making fantastical media stories about your 'plight.' You chose this fate. You've learned your lesson. Next time, take the kids to the fucking Grand Canyon.


Blogger Cup said...

"Tony Esseily is Lebanese, and Monika Esseily is American. They made the trip this summer so their 9-month-old son, T.J., could be baptized in Lebanon."

do i need to comment on this?

also, they fucking LIVED there for 12 years. so....if you think it's such a great fucking country, LIVE THERE THEN. and you know what, if you love the country, then put up with the bombing and the beheadings. but you go to the middle east, knowing that it's unstable, and the second that fighting occurs, you cry that America isn't doing enough to get you out, and it's America's fault that you're stuck there. So if i go to a zoo, and jump in the lion's cage while they are sleeping, then i'm in there and they wake up, is it the zoo's fucking fault if i get my face mauled off?

maybe, since people are too dumb to realize on their own, we should start an ad campaign saying "don't go to the middle east unless you ABSOLUTELY FUCKING HAVE TO."

2:07 PM  
Blogger Oedipa Maas said...

I'm not sure, but I think they baptize people right here in America. Let me dig up some research on that and get back to you...

4:22 PM  
Anonymous blizzard said...

shit, so i guess i should cancel my vacation to sunny and happy lebanon, syria and israel? man, i've been planning this for awhile. i guess i must have missed that part of the research!

ummm... HELLO?! are you crazy?! i have no desire to visit there, let alone live anywhere near that area (or bring my kids there for that matter)!!!!!!!!!!!

this is reason number 437,000 that leads me to believe that PEOPLE ARE FUCKING IDIOTS!!!!

9:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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3:35 AM  
Blogger Oedipa Maas said...

Get away from my blog with your fake posting and covert viagra ads.

8:51 AM  
Blogger Ruth Dynamite said...

Yes. Exactly. Amen.

7:08 AM  
Blogger Ruth Dynamite said...

By the way, despite the tragic topic, I laughed my way through this entire post. You slay me.

7:11 AM  
Blogger Bunny ~N~ Early said...

I couldn't have said it better myself! It really isn't very bright.

9:24 PM  

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