Things I Don’t Give a Fuck About
It's Friday, so let’s just get right down into it.
No 1: The diary of the kids who “masterminded” the shootings at Columbine High School. Why the fuck do I want to read the ravings of lunatic children who clearly played too many violent video games while listening to Marilyn Manson? I really don’t care what these fucknuts have to say about anything. If I were, say, a child psychologist writing my thesis on why white trash teens go bonkers and shoot other white trash teens, I might care. But I’m not. And how about this page with “Hell on Earth” written on it? Son, if you think shooting up one, lone high school amongst the 40 bajillion high schools in this country is going to create “Hell on Earth” then you need to get the fuck out of Dodge. Because obviously your worldview has gotten a little small.
No 2: Colin Powell getting a touch of the Pukeys after a dinner with the Clintons. Cool! Was he poisoned by some rogue white-black-people haters? No? Oh…it was just “altitude sickness”? Whatever the fuck that is. Why is it news that some former politician has indigestion? Should we get an update on his next bowel movement? Next!
No 3: The recently aired lost episodes of the Dave Chappelle Show causing a new influx of articles about Dave Chappelle. Look, his show was funny, and for that I was glad. But the dude left the show TWO YEARS AGO. Stop asking him why! Why do you think he’s going to tell you now? And if you still care why, you really need to find a new hobby. Try stamp-collecting, I hear it’s riveting. Also, stop printing stories speculating on whether he’ll come back, or whether he’ll make the show on another network, or whether he’s making a movie. There was life before the Dave Chappelle Show. There will be life after it. Anyway, he’s doing stand-up again if you want to see him make jokes about black people.
No 4: Merriam-Webster has added new words to their dictionary. Woop-de-do! Let’s throw a party to celebrate! Now you can find the definitions of intelligence-elevating words like “himbo” and “unibrow.” Sorry, M-W, but your chance to be cool ended with your initial decision to be the creators of a “dictionary.”
No 5: There was also some article about Bush wanting the world to condemn North Korea for testing its BigFatPenis missiles, or whatever they’re called. I couldn’t even bring myself to read it. BAD KOREA! BAD! NO MORE MISSILES! There, I’ve done my part.