Friday, July 07, 2006

Things I Don’t Give a Fuck About



It's Friday, so let’s just get right down into it.


No 1: The diary of the kids who “masterminded” the shootings at Columbine High School. Why the fuck do I want to read the ravings of lunatic children who clearly played too many violent video games while listening to Marilyn Manson? I really don’t care what these fucknuts have to say about anything. If I were, say, a child psychologist writing my thesis on why white trash teens go bonkers and shoot other white trash teens, I might care. But I’m not. And how about this page with “Hell on Earth” written on it? Son, if you think shooting up one, lone high school amongst the 40 bajillion high schools in this country is going to create “Hell on Earth” then you need to get the fuck out of Dodge. Because obviously your worldview has gotten a little small.

No 2: Colin Powell getting a touch of the Pukeys after a dinner with the Clintons. Cool! Was he poisoned by some rogue white-black-people haters? No? Oh…it was just “altitude sickness”? Whatever the fuck that is. Why is it news that some former politician has indigestion? Should we get an update on his next bowel movement? Next!

No 3: The recently aired lost episodes of the Dave Chappelle Show causing a new influx of articles about Dave Chappelle. Look, his show was funny, and for that I was glad. But the dude left the show TWO YEARS AGO. Stop asking him why! Why do you think he’s going to tell you now? And if you still care why, you really need to find a new hobby. Try stamp-collecting, I hear it’s riveting. Also, stop printing stories speculating on whether he’ll come back, or whether he’ll make the show on another network, or whether he’s making a movie. There was life before the Dave Chappelle Show. There will be life after it. Anyway, he’s doing stand-up again if you want to see him make jokes about black people.

No 4: Merriam-Webster has added new words to their dictionary. Woop-de-do! Let’s throw a party to celebrate! Now you can find the definitions of intelligence-elevating words like “himbo” and “unibrow.” Sorry, M-W, but your chance to be cool ended with your initial decision to be the creators of a “dictionary.”

No 5: There was also some article about Bush wanting the world to condemn North Korea for testing its BigFatPenis missiles, or whatever they’re called. I couldn’t even bring myself to read it. BAD KOREA! BAD! NO MORE MISSILES! There, I’ve done my part.

5 Comments:

Blogger Ruth Dynamite said...

You are too damn funny. Two comments (don't feel compelled to answer): 1). Dave Chappelle can be hilarious, but his crackhead imitations seem a little too realistic. Do you think I'm just imagining things, or is he a crackhead-inspired lunatic who got greedy? 2). Those Columbine "masterminds" were very messed up kids. Where the hell were their parents? Why weren't their teachers acting upon their English class essays detailing their thoughts about killing sprees?

10:49 PM  
Blogger Oedipa Maas said...

Yeah, but if you're a crackhead and someone offers you $50 million, I think you just imagine all the crack you can buy with the $50 million instead of running away from it.

And I'd have loved to have been a fly on the wall of the homes of one of those kids. "Honey, I think our son is upstairs sawing off shotguns again." "Oh no, dear. Those are just model cars he's building."

11:19 AM  
Blogger Cup said...

did you see the movie "elephant" it was made by gus van sant. it was disturbing but real. it showed a day in the life of a high school where two kids go nuts and shoot the place up. the interesting thing is, he makes no references to WHY the kids feel compelled to shoot the place up. it's up to you to infer. but one thing is clear. they are disturbed kids, with no parental involvement or supervision. they buy automatic rifles from internet sites, and play with them in their garage. it really makes you think about what would cause someone to do that, and it's interesting that the director doesn't try to attribute it to video games, or a drunk father (actually the kid with the drunk father is one that ends up getting killed, not the one that does the killing), or anything else. but it does make you think that maybe we need to pay more attention to what's going on around us, especially when it comes to your kids.

9:10 AM  
Anonymous blizzard said...

pay attention to our kids? but, isn't that what dvd's, the t.v, and x-boxes are for? to keep kids busy and entertained? i don't have to do anything, just buy them whatever they want and then i'm free to go get my nails done and go out to lunch right?

10:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice! Where you get this guestbook? I want the same script.. Awesome content. thankyou.
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3:35 AM  

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