Friday, July 21, 2006

Comment modification

As it appears, my blog comments were "auto-spammed" sometime last night with a friendly person wanting to sell you all Viagra. I'm sure your collective genitalia are all pleased. I, however, was not. So I enabled it that if you want to type in a comment, you have to type in one of those little word-image code things. This, supposedly, prevents those auto-spammers. We'll see.

Anyhoo, so I apologize for the annoyance. But now I'll know that when you comment, you really, really mean it.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Wish you were here


I'll have to preface this blog by saying that, in all honesty, I do hope for the safety and well-being of ALL civilians in Lebanon, and that any Americans who are currently within the country find their ways home in one piece.

With that said, what the fuck are you doing in Lebanon? I mean, did you even check a map before traveling to that country? Do you see where it is?

Before this little war erupted, I knew of little about the hostilities between Israel and the Hezbollah. This is because I am American and therefore ignorant of foreign affairs and too arrogant to care. However, had I been planning to travel to a country, I might, uh, read up on some of the, uh, safety issues involved with traveling there. Things like "a major militant political party, sympathetic to the Syrians and Iranians, rules much of Lebanon," might have been a good thing to know about in advance.

Even if you have family in Lebanon, you don't go visiting those people! You do your best to get those people the fuck out of Lebanon and to the U.S. to come visit you! Because here we have things like modern electronics and indoor plumbing. We also do not have Hezbollah, nor do we border highly volatile Middle Eastern countries. Nor are we having "border wars." And if those family members won't leave Lebanon, you start sending them postcards about how great America is. How we all live in mansions and eat like kings and ride to work on unicorns. YOU DON'T GO VISIT THEM.

But let's say you DO go visit them. First step is TOTALLY to take your daughters and baby with you. Because nothing says "kidnap my kid and put her into sex trafficking" like parading your blonde-haired 9-year-old American girl child through an impoverished, semi-desperate chauvanist country.

Look, I understand it was a real shocker to your vacation when Israel began bombing the airports, but what exactly do you expect the embassy to do in seven days? HELLO!?!? YOU ARE IN LEBANON! THIS is why people don't travel to these countries. This exact reason. Because things like bombings happen in these countries and then, guess what? Things go to shit.

America (thankfully) does not run the world. Sure we are rich. Sure we are powerful. Sure we make the finest hamburger. But that doesn't mean we can just barge on into Lebanon and say, "Excuse me, I've come for my people" and pluck out all the Americans and fly them home on golden dragons! THEY BOMBED THE MOTHER FUCKING AIRPORTS! Where the fuck is America going to fly you out of??? Their assholes? There are no American buses, there are no American cars, there are no American planes. Because it's Lebanon, not America. Just because we're a relatively good country and modern and stuff doesn't mean we can just do anything for stupidly stranded citizens. These things will take time.

So -- you know what? You can just calm the fuck down and have some patience. Stop making fantastical media stories about your 'plight.' You chose this fate. You've learned your lesson. Next time, take the kids to the fucking Grand Canyon.

Monday, July 17, 2006

The world's referee

Britain’s Prime Minister, Tony Blair, along with U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan have announced that an international “stabilization” force should be sent to the Israel/Lebanon border to put an end to the fighting.

"The only way we are going to get a cessation of hostilities is the deployment of an international force to stop the bombardment of Israel and get Israel to stop its attacks on Hezbollah," Blair said at a news conference in St. Petersburg at the end of the G-8 summit.

Sooo…the only way to stop the fighting is to…stop the fighting. Got it.

But seriously, this situation is quickly getting out of hand. In an “accidental” leak over an open microphone, reporters heard President Bush say he was sending Condi Rice to the Mid East, evidently believing The Woman That Fun Forgot could help balm the situation.

WHY ARE WE GETTING INVOLVED?

Why can’t we stay out of a single world fight!? We didn’t start this battle, we didn’t initiate the retaliation that continued this battle! I mean, I guess it might be bad if Hezbollah got a lot of power from this struggle, so the issue can’t be ignored completely, but can’t we wait first — just a bit — to see if Israel can shoulder this one on its own?

What I also don’t understand is, why the fuck doesn’t the Lebanese government do something about Hezbollah? Look, I understand they are a powerful political group and even hold a few seats in that country’s government. But it doesn’t take Sherlock Holmes to deduce that this is a quasi-terrorist organization. Any group that thinks sneak-attacking and kidnapping military from a neighboring, far more powerful nation is a good tactic for … whatever it is they are seeking to gain from such a maneuver … is clearly a group in need of a few diplomacy and human decency lessons. Even if the Lebanese government doesn’t think it has the might and power to oust or control Hezbollah, all it has to do is ASK for some help. Somehow I think Israel would be willing to lend a hand to control said organization. And I think it would be mildly beneficial to the people of Lebanon to A.) rid themselves of a terrorist organization and B.) Stop getting bombed by Israel. Just a thought.

I don’t know. I’m no expert on foreign politics, and if anyone can point out the major flaw in my thoughts here, I’d be glad to hear it. But the solution always seems so simple, yet people never seem willing to take the easy way out when it comes to war.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Play nice in the sandbox, children!

Someone commented to me once that anyone who thinks blowing up the entire Middle East is a good solution to the conflicts there is “ignorant.” According to this person, anyone who would say such a thing is “stupid” and “a brain-washed, xenophobic, egotistical, imperialistic American.” “Most of the people who live in the Middle East are just ordinary people like you and me,” this person stated. “How would you like it if someone suggested the greatest solution to the problem of America was bombing it and all its people?” This person went on to add, “Not to mention that other, non-Middle Eastern countries have ties to the Middle East. So you couldn’t bomb that portion of the world without pissing off, say, China or Russia. They would bomb whoever bombed the Mid-East, and then you’d have a huge World War. Instead of solving the world’s problems, you’ve just created an even bigger one with fewer people in it.”

Ok, I guess that person had a point. But I don’t really care. Because being irrational and angry is what this blog is all about.

You know who else is irrational and angry? Those Hezbollah guerrillas. Hey! I know a good idea! Let’s kill a whole bunch of Israeli soldiers! So what does Israel do? Bombs the fucking Lebanese airport. Then Hezbollah is like “Oh — you want to play? You want to get down motherfuckers?” so they bomb some shitacular northern Israeli province. It’s like a practical joke war, only, of course for that pesky side effect of human casualties.

Both groups, of course, are accusing the other of performing “acts of war.” I’d point out that Hezbollah clearly started this one first, but it somehow ceases to matter.

Seriously, I really want to know why the fuck these people are all so violent? The Mid East is a pretty horrendous section of the world to live in, what with its sand and hot and sand and hot and sand. There’s probably not much to do there, or much to take joy in. But Jesus Christ. Why can’t you all just go to work everyday, come home, feed your families, play with your kids, watch bad TV and get fat like the rest of the world? Why can’t they stop attacking everyone around them? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE??

You know, that person who said we shouldn’t bomb the Middle East was probably right. Clearly they are continuing steadfast in their efforts to do that themselves, anyway, so why bother?

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Updates sans anger

In the past few days I've been hired for a new job, quit my old job and become a second-time aunt to a baby boy, 7 lbs. 2 ozs. Needless to say, it has been quite a week. In lieu of that, my blog has been neglected.

Never fear, my friends, for my anger is still with me, and hopefully a new rant is near on the horizon.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Things I Don’t Give a Fuck About



It's Friday, so let’s just get right down into it.


No 1: The diary of the kids who “masterminded” the shootings at Columbine High School. Why the fuck do I want to read the ravings of lunatic children who clearly played too many violent video games while listening to Marilyn Manson? I really don’t care what these fucknuts have to say about anything. If I were, say, a child psychologist writing my thesis on why white trash teens go bonkers and shoot other white trash teens, I might care. But I’m not. And how about this page with “Hell on Earth” written on it? Son, if you think shooting up one, lone high school amongst the 40 bajillion high schools in this country is going to create “Hell on Earth” then you need to get the fuck out of Dodge. Because obviously your worldview has gotten a little small.

No 2: Colin Powell getting a touch of the Pukeys after a dinner with the Clintons. Cool! Was he poisoned by some rogue white-black-people haters? No? Oh…it was just “altitude sickness”? Whatever the fuck that is. Why is it news that some former politician has indigestion? Should we get an update on his next bowel movement? Next!

No 3: The recently aired lost episodes of the Dave Chappelle Show causing a new influx of articles about Dave Chappelle. Look, his show was funny, and for that I was glad. But the dude left the show TWO YEARS AGO. Stop asking him why! Why do you think he’s going to tell you now? And if you still care why, you really need to find a new hobby. Try stamp-collecting, I hear it’s riveting. Also, stop printing stories speculating on whether he’ll come back, or whether he’ll make the show on another network, or whether he’s making a movie. There was life before the Dave Chappelle Show. There will be life after it. Anyway, he’s doing stand-up again if you want to see him make jokes about black people.

No 4: Merriam-Webster has added new words to their dictionary. Woop-de-do! Let’s throw a party to celebrate! Now you can find the definitions of intelligence-elevating words like “himbo” and “unibrow.” Sorry, M-W, but your chance to be cool ended with your initial decision to be the creators of a “dictionary.”

No 5: There was also some article about Bush wanting the world to condemn North Korea for testing its BigFatPenis missiles, or whatever they’re called. I couldn’t even bring myself to read it. BAD KOREA! BAD! NO MORE MISSILES! There, I’ve done my part.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Should I call an orange “Orange”?

Currently, if your kid is fat, you don’t have to tell him he’s “fat.” According to the Center for Disease Control, the correct term for doctors and parents to use with overweight children is “at risk for overweight” if their BMI is in the 85 to 94 percentile, and “overweight” if they are 95 and above. The same percentiles for adults make you “overweight” then “obese.”

The CDC felt that telling a kid he or she was “obese” would have a negative effect, and that a more diplomatic approach would be more effective.

Seems to be working really well. Now that 17 percent of kids have BMIs in the 95th or higher percentile, and 34 percent in the 85 to 94 bracket, perhaps it’s time to stop being “politically correct” and start telling mini-whales that they are, in fact, mini-whales.

Now groups of doctors are seeking to change the terms used to categorize children with weight issues. Of course, parents and fat kids are appalled. Here are some gem quotes from the latter group:

“ ‘Obese sounds mean. It doesn't sound good,’ said Trisha Leu, 17, who thinks the proposed change is a bad idea.

The Wheeling, Illinois, teen has lost 60 pounds since March as part of an adolescent obesity surgery study at the University of Illinois at Chicago.

‘When you're young, you don't understand what obese means,’ Leu said. ‘I still don't understand it.’”

Ok, first of all, you’re fucking SEVENTEEN and have had gastric bypass???

Look, if you’re seventeen and so fat that doctors consider you a viable candidate to get your stomach stapled, you better fucking know “what obese means.” The best part is she says, “I still don’t understand it.”

HOW FUCKING CLEAR DOES IT NEED TO BE? Obese = fat. If you are obese, you are fat. FAT FAT FAT. Look in the MOTHERFUCKING mirror. Do you see how you have no neck, yet three separate chins? Do you see those rolls under your breasts that stick out farther than your breasts? Do you see how rolls of extra oozage are covering your elbows and ankles? THOSE ARE YOU BEING FAT. If you have a LOT of fat, you are obese. If that’s not clear enough, we can weigh you and provide you with a number that you can check against a chart that will tell you whether or not you are OBESE. There is not much to understand here.

Also, how does a child get to the point where she needs gastric bypass? What kind of piece-of-shit lets their child blow up to the point where she could die of heart disease before she is twenty five? There is no possible way she is eating enough food to sustain that weight without you enabling her. Don’t give me that shit that she “eats what every other normal person eats.” It takes nearly 4,000 calories a day to sustain 400 lbs, unless you have a REAL metabolic disorder. Normal people don’t eat 4,000 calories a day! How is this not child abuse?

Here’s another gem quote:

“Maria Bailey of Pompano Beach, Fla., whose 12-year-old daughter, Madison, is self-consciously overweight, opposes the proposed change. She said their pediatrician has told her daughter to exercise more and see a nutritionist, but ‘hasn't told her that she's in a (weight) category.’

‘We're already raising a generation of teenagers who have eating disorders,’ Bailey said. ‘I think it would just perpetuate that.’"

Hey, guess what Maria? Your kid already HAS a fucking eating disorder if she is TWELVE and obese! Believe it or not, eating waaay too much and not exercising is equally as good a way to kill yourself as starving yourself or binging and purging. Being fat or skinny is not just about appearances, though let’s not pretend that being grossly overweight is not going to be a setback socially. It also could cost you a job, or, like, your life.

Chicago pediatrician Rebecca Unger she likes using the term “at risk for overweight” because it gives patients hope that “we can do something about it.”

You know what the term “obese” would give patients? A fucking WAKE UP CALL. Instead of “we can do something about it” how about, “DO something about it, before it starts having consequences.”

Why does everyone in this country want to sugar coat everything? Telling kids they are fat — if they are fat — is not going to “perpetuate the myth that everyone needs to fit into the ‘Hollywood ideal’.” It’s really not difficult to teach your kids what a “healthy” body weight is. Even if you think BMI is a bunch of bilge, you can look at your kid and know if he or she is healthy or too heavy or too skinny. If your kid is technically obese, can you honestly say he or she eats a healthy, moderate calorie, nutritiously balanced diet? How much soda does he or she drink at 200 calories a pop and 10 tablespoons of sugar? How many nights do you eat fast food for dinner, which has an average calorie count of 3,500 PER PERSON. Does he or she get exercise, for at least 30 minutes every day? How many HOURS does he or she spend on the TV, computer or playing video games? Yeah…that’s what I thought.

It’s time to wake up and smell the bacon grease. If it’s hard for your kid to hear she is obese from a doctor, imagine how much harder it is for her to hear, every day at school, the taunts and mockery of her classmates? Because you can sure as hell bet they aren’t worried about being “politically correct” when they address her “weight issue.” Reality isn’t going to go away because you found a nicer term to refer to it by. So just deal with it.